onthebalconytwolighteddoorswereopennow—eileen’sandhis.herroomwasempty.therewasasoundofstrugglingfromhisandicamethroughthedoorinajumptofindherbendingoverthebedwrestlingwithhim.theblackgleamofagunshotupintotheair,twohands,alargemalehandandawoman’ssmallhandwerebothholdingit,neitherbythebutt.rogerwassittingupinbedandleaningforwardpushing.shewasinapalebluehousecoat,oneofthosequiltedthings,herhairwasalloverherfaceandnowshehadbothhandsonthegunandwithaquickjerkshegotitawayfromhim.iwassurprisedthatshehadthestrength,evendopeyashewas.hefellbackglaringandpantingandshesteppedawayandbumpedintome.

shestoodthereleaningagainstme,holdingthegunwithbothhandspressedhardagainstherbody.shewasrackedwithpantingsobs.ireachedaroundherbodyandputmyhandonthegun.

shespunaroundasifittookthattomakeherrealizeiwasthere.hereyeswidenedandherbodysaggedagainstme.sheletgoofthegun.itwasaheavyclumsyweapon,awebleydouble-actionhammerless.thebarrelwaswarm.iheldherwithonearm,droppedtheguninmypocket,andlookedpastherheadathim.nobodysaidanything.

thenheopenedhiseyesandthatwearysmileplayedonhislips.「nobodyhurt,」hemuttered.「justawildshotintotheceiling.」

ifelthergostiff.thenshepulledaway.hereyeswerefocusedandclear.ilethergo.

「roger,」shesaidinavoicenotmuchmorethanasickwhisper,「didithavetobethat?」

hestaredowlishly,lickedhislip,andsaidnothing.shewentandleanedagainstthedressingtable.herhandmovedmechanicallyandthrewthehairbackfromherface.sheshudderedoncefromheadtofoot,shakingherheadfromsidetoside.「roger,」shewhisperedagain.「poorroger.poormiserableroger.」

hewasstaringstraightupattheceilingnow.「ihadanightmare,」hesaidslowly.「somebodywithaknifewasleaningoverthebed.idon’tknowwho.lookedalittlelikecandy.couldn’tofbeencandy.」

「ofcoursenot,darling,」shesaidsoftly.sheleftthedressingtableandsatdownonthesideofthebed.sheputherhandoutandbegantostrokehisforehead.「candyhasgonetobedlongago.andwhywouldcandyhaveaknife?」

「he’samex.theyallhaveknives,」rogersaidinthesameremoteimpersonalvoice.「theylikeknives.andhedoesn’tlikeme.」

「nobodylikesyou,」isaidbrutally.

sheturnedherheadswiftly.「please—pleasedon’ttalklikethat.hedidn’tknow.hehadadream—」

「wherewasthegun?」igrowled,watchingher,notpayinganyattentiontohim.

「nighttable.inthedrawer.」heturnedhisheadandmetmystare.therehadn’tbeenanyguninthedrawer,andheknewiknewit.thepillshadbeeninthereandsomeoddsandends,butnogun.

「orunderthepillow,」headded.「i’mvagueaboutit.ishotonce—」heliftedaheavyhandandpointed—「upthere.」

ilookedup.thereseemedtobeaholeintheceilingplasterallright.iwentwhereicouldlookupatit.yes.thekindofholeabulletmightmake.fromthatgunitwouldgoonthrough,intotheattic.iwentbackclosetothebedandstoodlookingdownathim,givinghimthehardeye.

「nuts.youmeanttokillyourself.youdidn’thaveanynightmare.youwereswimminginaseaofself-pity.youdidn’thaveanyguninthedrawerorunderyourpilloweither.yougotupandgotthegunandgotbackintobedandthereyouwereallreadytowipeoutthewholemessybusiness.butidon’tthinkyouhadthenerve.youfiredashotnotmeanttohitanything.andyourwifecamerunning—that’swhatyouwanted.justpityandsympathy,pal.nothingelse.eventhestrugglewasmostlyfake.shecouldn’ttakeagunawayfromyouifyoudidn’twantherto.」

「i’msick,」hesaid.「butyoucouldberight.doesitmatter?」

「itmatterslikethis.they’dputyouinthepsychoward,andbelieveme,thepeoplewhorunthatplaceareaboutassympatheticasgeorgiachain-gangguards.」

eileenstoodupsuddenly.「that’senough,」shesaidsharply.「heissick,andyouknowit.」

「hewantstobesick.i’mjustremindinghimofwhatitwouldcosthim.」

「thisisnotthetimetotellhim.」

「goonbacktoyourroom.」

herblueeyesflashed.「howdareyou—」

「goonbacktoyourroom.unlessyouwantmetocallthepolice.thesethingsaresupposedtobereported.」

healmostgrinned.「yeah,callthepolice,」hesaid,「likeyoudidonterrylennox.」

ididn’tpayanyattentiontothat.iwasstillwatchingher.shelookedexhaustednow,andfrail,andverybeautiful.themomentofflashingangerwasgone.iputahandoutandtouchedherarm.「it’sallright,」isaid.「hewon’tdoitagain.gobacktobed.」

shegavehimalonglookandwentoutoftheroom.whentheopendoorwasemptyofherisatdownonthesideofthebedwhereshehadbeensitting.

「morepills?」

「nothanks.itdoesn’tmatterwhetherisleep.ifeelalotbetter.」

「didihitrightaboutthatshot?itwasjustacrazybitofacting?」

「moreorless.」heturnedhisheadaway.「iguessiwaslightheaded.」

「nobodycanstopyoufromkillingyourself,ifyoureallywantto.irealizethat.sodoyou.」

「yes.」hewasstilllookingaway.「didyoudowhatiaskedyou—thatstuffinthetypewriter?」

「uhhuh.i’msurprisedyouremember.it’sprettycrazywriting.funnything,it’sclearlytyped.」

「icanalwaysdothat—drunkorsober—uptoapointanyway.」

「don’tworryaboutcandy,」isaid.「you’rewrongabouthisnotlikingyou.andiwaswrongtosaynobodydid.iwastryingtojareileen,makehermad.」

「why?」