themoon’sfourdaysoffthefullandthere’sasquarepatchofmoonlightonthewallandit’slookingatmelikeabigblindmilkyeye,awalleye.joke.goddamsillysimile.writers.everythinghastobelikesomethingelse.myheadisasfluffyaswhippedcreambutnotassweet.moresimiles.icouldvomitjustthinkingaboutthelousyracket.icouldvomitanyway.iprobablywill.don’tpushme.givemetime.thewormsinmysolarplexuscrawlandcrawlandcrawl.iwouldbebetteroffinbedbuttherewouldbeadarkanimalunderneaththebedandthedarkanimalwouldcrawlaroundrustlingandhumphimselfandbumptheundersideofthebed,theniwouldletoutayellthatwouldn’tmakeanysoundexcepttome.adreamyell,ayellinanightmare.thereisnothingtobeafraidofandiamnotafraidbecausethereisnothingtobeafraidof,butjustthesameiwaslyinglikethatonceinbedandthedarkanimalwasdoingittome,bumpinghimselfagainsttheundersideofthebed,andihadanorgasm.thatdisgustedmemorethananyotherofthenastythingsihavedone.

i’mdirty.ineedashave.myhandsareshaking.i’msweating.ismellfoultomyself.theshirtundermyarmsiswetandonthechestandback.thesleevesarewetinthefoldsoftheelbows.theglassonthetableisempty.itwouldtakebothhandstopourthestuffnow.icouldgetoneoutofthebottlemaybetobraceme.thetasteofthestuffissickening.anditwouldn’tgetmeanywhere.intheendiwon’tbeabletosleepevenandthewholeworldwillmoaninthehorroroftorturednerves.goodstuff,huh,wade?more.

it’sallrightforthefirsttwoorthreedaysandthenitisnegative.yousufferandyoutakeadrinkandforalittlewhileitisbetter,butthepricekeepsgettinghigherandhigherandwhatyougetforitislessandlessandthenthereisalwaysthepointwhereyougetnothingbutnausea.thenyoucallverringer.allright,verringer,hereicome.thereisn’tanyverringeranymore.he’sgonetocubaorheisdead.thequeenhaskilledhim.pooroldverringer,whatafate,todieinbedwithaqueen—thatkindofqueen.comeon,wade,let’sgetupandgoplaces.placeswherewehaven’teverbeenandaren’tevergoingbacktowhenwehavebeen.doesthissentencemakesense?no.okay,i’mnotaskinganymoneyforit.ashortpausehereforalongcommercial.

well,ididit.igotup.whataman.iwentovertothecouchandhereiamkneelingbesidethecouchwithmyhandsdownonitandmyfaceinmyhands,crying.theniprayedanddespisedmyselfforpraying.gradethreedrunkdespisinghimself.whatthehellareyouprayingto,youfool?ifawellmanprays,that’sfaith.asickmanpraysandheisjustscared.nutstoprayer.thisistheworldyoumadeandyoumakeitallbyyourselfandwhatlittleoutsidehelpyougot—wellyoumadethattoo.stoppraying,youjerk.getuponyourfeetandtakethatdrink.it’stoolateforanythingelsenow.

well,itookit.bothhands.poureditintheglasstoo.hardlyspilledadrop.nowificanholditwithoutvomiting.betteraddsomewater.nowliftitslow.easy,nottoomuchatatime.itgetswarm.itgetshot.ificouldstopsweating.theglassisempty.it’sdownonthetableagain.

there’sahazeoverthemoonlightbutisetthatglassdowninspiteofit,carefully,carefully,likeasprayofrosesinatallvase.therosesnodtheirheadswithdew.maybei’marose.brother,haveigotdew.nowtogetupstairs.maybeashortonestraightforthejourney.no?okay,whateveryousay.takeitupstairswhenigetthere.ifigetthere,somethingtolookforwardto.ifimakeitupstairsiamentitledtocompensation.atokenofregardfrommetome.ihavesuchabeautifulloveformyself—andthesweetpartofit—norivals.

doublespace.beenupandcamedown.didn’tlikeitupstairs.thealtitudemakesmyheartflutter.butikeephittingthesetypewriterkeys.whatamagicianisthesubconscious.ifonlyitwouldworkregularhours.therewasmoonlightupstairstoo.probablythesamemoon.novarietyaboutthemoon.itcomesandgoeslikethemilkmanandthemoon’smilkisalwaysthesame.themilk’smoonisalways—holditchum.you’vegotyourfeetcrossed.thisisnotimetogetinvolvedinthecasehistoryofthemoon.yougotenoughcasehistorytotakecareofthewholedamnvalley.

shewassleepingonhersidewithoutsound.herkneesdrawnup.toostillithought.youalwaysmakesomesoundwhenyousleep.maybenotasleep,maybejusttryingtosleep.ifiwentcloseriwouldknow.mightfalldowntoo.oneofhereyesopened—ordidit?shelookedatmeordidshe?no.wouldhavesatupandsaid,areyousick,darling?yes,iamsick,darling.butdon’tgiveitathought,darling,becausethissickismysickandnotyoursick,andletyousleepstillandlovelyandneverrememberandnoslimefrommetoyouandnothingcomenearyouthatisgrimandgrayandugly.

you’realouse,wade.threeadjectives,youlousywriter.can’tyouevenstream-of-consciousnessyoulousewithoutgettingitinthreeadjectivesforchrissake?icamedownstairsagainholdingontotherail.mygutslurchedwiththestepsandiheldthemtogetherwithapromise.imadethemainfloorandimadethestudyandimadethecouchandiwaitedformyhearttoslowdown.thebottleishandy.onethingyoucansayaboutwade’sarrangementsthebottleisalwayshandy.nobodyhidesit,nobodylocksitup.nobodysays,don’tyouthinkyou’vehadenough,darling?you’llmakeyourselfsick,darling.nobodysaysthat.justsleeponsidesoftlylikeroses.

igavecandytoomuchmoney.mistake.shouldhavestartedhimwithabagofpeanutsandworkeduptoabanana.thenalittlerealchange,slowandeasy,alwayskeephimeager.yougivehimabigslugofthestufftobeginwithandprettysoonhehasastake.hecanliveinmexicoforamonth,livehighwideandnasty,onwhatitcostshereforaday.sowhenhegetsthatstake,whatdoeshedo?well,doesamaneverhaveenoughmoney,ifhethinkshecangetmore?maybeit’sallright.maybeioughttokilltheshiny-eyedbastard.agoodmandiedformeonce,whynotacockroachinawhitejacket?

forgetcandy.there’salwaysawaytobluntaneedle.theotherishallneverforget.it’scarvedonmyliveringreenfire.

bettertelephone.losingcontrol.feelthemjumping,jumping,jumping.bettercallsomeonequickbeforethepinkthingscrawlonmyface.bettercall,call,call.callsiouxcitysue.hello,operator,givemelongdistance.hello,longdistance,getmesiouxcitysue.what’shernumber?nohavenumber,justname,operator.you’llfindherwalkingalongtenthstreet,ontheshadyside,underthetallcorntreeswiththeirspreadingears...allright,operator,allright.justcancelthewholeprogramandletmetellyousomething,imean,askyousomething.who’sgoingtopayforallthosesnazzypartiesgiffordisthrowinginlondon,ifyoucancelmylongdistancecall?yeah,youthinkyourjobissolid.youthink.here,ibettertalktogifforddirect.gethimontheline.hisvaletjustbroughtinhistea.ifhecan’ttalkwe’llsendoversomebodythatcan.

nowwhatdidiwritethatfor?whatwasitryingnottothinkabout?telephone.bettertelephonenow.gettingverybad,very,very...

thatwasall.ifoldedthesheetsupsmallandpushedthemdownintomyinsidebreastpocketbehindthenotecase.iwentovertothefrenchwindowsandopenedthemwideandsteppedoutontotheterrace.themoonlightwasalittlespoiled.butitwassummerinidlevalleyandsummerisneverquitespoiled.istoodtherelookingatthemotionlesscolorlesslakeandthoughtandwondered.theniheardashot.