iclosemyeyes.
reluctantly,iopenmyhea一vyeyelidsandbrightlight
fillstheroom.igroan.ifeelcloudy,disconnectedfrommy
leadenlimbs,andchristianiswrappedaroundmelikeivy.
i’mtoowarmasperusual.surelyit’sjustfiveinthe
morning.thealarmhasnotgoneoffyet.istretchoutto
freemyselffromhisheat,turninginhisarms,andhe
mumblessomethingunintelligibleinhissleep.iglanceat
theclock.eightforty-five.
shit,i’mgoingtobelate.fuck.iscrambleoutofbed
anddashtothebathroom.iamshoweredandoutwithin
fourminutes.
christiansitsupinbedwatchingmewithill-concealed
amusementcoupledwithwarinessasicontinuetodry
amusementcoupledwithwarinessasicontinuetodry
myselfwhilegatheringmyclothes.perhapshe’swaitingfor
metoreacttoyesterday’srevelations.rightnow,ijust
don’tha一vetime.
icheckmyclothes—blackslacks,blackshirt—alla
bitmrs.r,butidon’tha一veasecondtochangemymind.
ihastilydonblackbraandpanties,consciousthathe’s
watchingmyeverymove.it’s...unnerving.thepanties
andbrawilldo.
“youlookgood,”christianpurrsfromthebed.“you
cancallinsick,youknow.”hegivesmehisdevastating,
lopsided,onehundredandfiftypercentpanty-busting
smile.oh,he’ssotempting.myinnergoddesspouts
provocativelyatme.
“no,christian,ican’t.iamnotamegalomaniacceo
withabeautifulsmilewhocancomeandgoashe
pleases.”
“iliketocomeasiplease.”hesmirksandcrankshis
glorioussmileupanothernotchsoit’sinfullhdimax.
“christian!”iscold.ithrowmytowelathimandhe
laughs.
“beautifulsmile,huh?”
“yes.youknowtheeffectyouha一veonme.”iputon
mywatch.
“doi?”heblinksinnocently.
“yes,youdo.thesameeffectyouha一veonallwomen.
getsreallytiresomewatchingthemallswoon.”
“doesit?”hecockshiseyebrowatme,moreamused.
“don’tplaytheinnocent,mr.grey,itreallydoesn’t
suityou,”imutterdistractedlyasiscoopmyhairintoa
suityou,”imutterdistractedlyasiscoopmyhairintoa
ponytailandpullonmyblackhigh-heeledshoes.there,
thatwilldo.
whenibendtokisshimgood-bye,hegrabsmeand
pullsmedownontothebed,leaningovermeandsmiling
fromeartoear.ohmy.he’ssobeautiful—eyesbright
withmischief,floppyjust-fucked-againhair,thatdazzling
smile.nowhe’splayful.
i’mtired,stillreelingfromallthedisclosuresof
yesterday,whilehe’sbrightasabuttonandsexyasfuck.
oh,exasperatingfifty.
“whatcanidototemptyoutostay?”hesayssoftly,
andmyheartskipsabeatandbeginstopound.heis
temptationpersonified.
“youcan’t,”igrumble,strugglingtositbackup.“let
mego.”
hepoutsandigiveup.grinning,itracemyfingers
overhissculpturedlips—myfiftyshades.ilovehimsoin
allhismonumentalfuckedupness.iha一ven’tevenbegunto
processyesterday’seventsandhowifeelaboutthem.
ileanuptokisshim,thankfulthatiha一vebrushedmy
teeth.hekissesmelongandhardandthenswiftlysetsme
onmyfeet,lea一vingmedazed,breathless,andslightly
wobbly.
“taylorwilltakeyou.quickerthanfindingsomewhere
topark.he’swaitingoutsidethebuilding,”christiansays
kindly,andheseemsrelieved.isheworriedaboutmy
reactionthismorning?surelylastnight—er,thismorning—
provedthatiamnotgoingtorun.
“okay.thankyou,”imutter,disappointedthatiam
“okay.thankyou,”imutter,disappointedthatiam
uprightonmyfeet,confusedbyhishesitancy,andvaguely
irritatedthatonceagainiwon’tbedrivingmysaab.but
he’sright,ofcourse—itwillbequickerwithtaylor.
“enjoyyourlazymorning,mr.grey.iwishicould
stay,butthemanwhoownsthecompanyiworkfor
wouldnotapproveofhisstaffditchingjustforhotsex.”i
grabmypurse.
“personally,misssteele,iha一venodoub一tthathe
wouldapprove.infacthemightinsistonit.”
“whyareyoustayinginbed?it’snotlikeyou.”
hefoldshishandsbehindhisheadandgrinsatme.
“becauseican,misssteele.”
ishakemyheadathim.“laters,baby.”iblowhima
kiss,andiamoutofthedoor.
tayloriswaitingforme,andheseemstounderstandthati
amlatebecausehedriveslikeabatoutofhelltogetmeto
workbyninefifteen.iamgratefulwhenhepullsupatthe
curb—gratefultobealive–hisdrivingwasscary.and
gratefulthatiamnothideouslylate—onlyfifteenminutes.
“thankyou,taylor,”imutter,ashen-faced.i
rememberchristiantellingmehedrovetanks;maybehe
drivesfornasc一a一r,too.
“ana.”henodsafarewell,andidashintomyoffice,
realizingasiopenthedoortoreceptionthattaylorseems
toha一veovercomethemisssteeleformality.itmakesme
smile.
clairegrinsatmeasirushthroughreceptionand
makemywaytomydesk.
“ana!”jackcallsme.“getinhere.”
ohshit.
“whattimedoyoucallthis?”hesnaps.
“i’msorry.ioverslept.”iflushcrimson.
“don’tletithappenagain.fixmesomecoffee,and
thenineedyoutodosomeletters.jumptoit,”heshouts,
makingmeflinch.
why’shesomad?what’shisproblem?whatha一vei
done?ihurrytothekitchentofixhiscoffee.maybei
shouldha一veditched.icouldbe...well,doingsomething
hotwithchristian,orha一vingbreakfastwithhim,orjust
talking—thatwouldbenovel.
jackbarelyacknowledgesmypresencewheni
venturebackintohisofficetodeliverhiscoffee.hethrusts
asheetofpaperatme—it’shandwritteninabarelylegible
scrawl.
“typethisup,ha一vemesign,thencopyandmailittoall
ourauthors.”
“yes,jack.”
hedoesn’tlookupasilea一ve.boy,ishemad.
itiswithsomereliefthatifinallysitdownatmydesk.i
takeasipofteaasiwaitformycomputertobootup.i
checkmye-mails.
from:christiangrey
subject:missingyou
date:june15,201109:05
to:anastasiasteele
pleaseuseyourblackberry.
x
christiangrey
ceo,greyenterprisesholdingsinc.
from:anastasiasteele
subject:allrightforsome
date:june15,201109:27
to:christiangrey
mybossismad.
iblameyouforkeepingmeuplatewithyour...shenanigans.
youshouldbeashamedofyourself.
anastasiasteele
assistanttojackhyde,commissioningeditor,sip
from:christiangrey
subject:shenaniwhatagans?
date:june15,201109:32
to:anastasiasteele
to:anastasiasteele
youdon’tha一vetowork,anastasia.
youha一venoideahowappallediamatmyshenanigans.
butilikekeepingyouuplate;)
pleaseuseyourblackberry.
oh,andmarryme,please.
christiangrey
ceo,greyenterprisesholdingsinc.
from:anastasiasteele
subject:livingtomake
date:june15,201109:35
to:christiangrey
iknowyournaturalinclinationistowardnagging,butjuststop.
ineedtotalktoyourshrink.
onlythenwilligiveyoumyanswer.
iamnotopposedtolivinginsin.
anastasiasteele
assistanttojackhyde,commissioningeditor,sip
from:christiangrey
subject:blackberry
subject:blackberry
date:june15,201109:40
to:anastasiasteele
anastasia,ifyouaregoingtostartdiscussingdr.flynnthenuse
yourblackberry.
thisisnotarequest.
christiangrey,
nowpissedceo,greyenterprisesholdingsinc.
ohshit.nowhe’smadatme,too.well,hecanstewfor
allicare.itakemyblackberryoutofmypurseandeyeit
withskepticism.asido,itstartsringing.can’thelea一ve
mealone?
“yes,”isnap.
“ana,hi—”
“josé!howareyou?”oh,it’sgoodtohearhisvoice.
“i’mfine,ana.look,areyoustillseeingthatgrey
guy?”
“er—yes...why?”whereishegoingwiththis?
“well,he’sboughtallyourphotos,andithoughti
coulddeliverthemuptoseattle.theexhibitioncloses
thursday,soicouldbringthemupfridayeveningand
dropthemoff,youknow.andmaybewecouldcatcha
drinkorsomething.actually,iwashopingforaplaceto
crash,too.”
“josé,that’scool.yeah,i’msurewecouldwork
somethingout.letmetalktochristianandcallyouback,
somethingout.letmetalktochristianandcallyouback,
okay?”
“cool,i’llwaittohearfromyou.bye,ana.”
“bye.”andhe’sgone.
holycow.iha一ven’tseenorheardfromjosésincehis
show.ididn’tevenaskhimhowitwentorifhesoldany
morepictures.somefriendiam.
so,icouldspendtheeveningwithjoséonfriday.
howwillchristianlikethat?ibecomeawarethatiam
bitingmyliptillithurts.oh,thatmanhasdouble
standards.hecan—ishudderatthethought—bathehis
batshitex-lover,butiwillprobablygetatruckloadofgrief
forwantingtoha一veadrinkwithjosé.howamigoingto
handlethis?
“ana!”jackpullsmeabruptlyoutofmyreverie.ishe
stillmad?“where’sthatletter?”
“er—coming.”shit.whatiseatinghim?
itypeuphisletterindouble-quicktime,printitout,
andnervouslymakemywayintohisoffice.
“hereyougo.”iplaceitonhisdeskandturntolea一ve.
jackquicklycastshiscritical,piercing,eyesoverit.
“idon’tknowwhatyou’redoingoutthere,butipay
youtowork,”hebarks.
“i’mawareofthat,jack,”imutterapologetically.ifeel
aslowflushcreepupmyskin.
“thisisfullofmistakes,”hesnaps.“doitagain.”
fuck.he’sbeginningtosoundlikesomeoneiknow,
butrudenessfromchristianicantolerate.jackis
beginningtopissmeoff.
“andgetmeanothercoffeewhileyou’reatit.”
“andgetmeanothercoffeewhileyou’reatit.”
“sorry,”iwhisperandscurryoutofhisofficeas
quicklyasican.
holyfuck.he’sbeingunbearable.isitbackdownat
mydesk,hastilyredohisletter,whichhadtwomistakesin
it,andcheckitthoroughlybeforeprinting.nowit’s
perfect.ifetchhimanothercoffee,lettingclaireknowwith
arollofmyeyesthatiamindeepdoo-doo.takinga
deepbreath,iapproachhisofficeagain.
“better,”hemumblesreluctantlyashesignstheletter.
“photocopyit,filetheoriginal,andmailouttoallauthors.
understand?”
“yes.”iamnotanidiot.“jack,istheresomething
wrong?”
heglancesup,hisblueeyesdarkeningashisgazeruns
upanddownmybody.mybloodchills.
“no.”hisanswerisconcise,rude,anddismissive.i
standthereliketheidiotiprofessednottobeandthen
shufflebackoutofhisoffice.perhapshetoosuffersfroma
personalitydisorder.sheesh,i’msurroundedbythem.i
makemywaytothephotocopier—whichofcourseis
sufferingfromapaperjam—andwheni’vefixedit,ifind
it’soutofpaper.thisisnotmyday.
wheniamfinallybackatmydesk,stuffingenvelopes,
myblackberrybuzzes.icanseethroughtheglasswallthat
jackisonthephone.ianswer—it’sethan.
“hi,ana.how’ditgolastnight?”
lastnight.aquickmontageofimagesflashesthrough
mymind—christiankneeling,hisrevelation,hisproposal,
macaroniandcheese,myweeping,hisnightmare,thesex,
touchinghim...
“eh...fine,”imutterunconvincingly.
ethanpausesanddecidestocolludeinmydenial.
“cool.canicollectthekeys?”
“sure.”
“i’llbeoverinabouthalfanhour.willyouha一vetime
tograbacoffee?”
“nottoday.iwaslategettingin,andmybossislikean
angrybearwithasoreheadandpoisonivyuphisass.”
“soundsnasty.”
“nastyandugly.”igiggle.
ethanlaughsandmymoodliftsalittle.“okay.seeyou
inthirty.”hehangsup.
iglanceupatjackandhe’sstaringatme.ohshit.i
studiouslyignorehimandcontinuetostuffenvelopes.
halfanhourlatermyphonebuzzes.it’sclaire.“he’s
hereagain,inreception.theblondgod.”
ethanisajoytoseeafteralltheangstofyesterdayand
thebadtempermybossisinflictingonmetoday,butall
toosoon,he’ssayinghisgood-byes.
“williseeyouthisevening?”
“i’llprobablystaywithchristian.”iflush.
“youha一vegotitbad,”ethanobservesgoodnaturedly.
ishrug.that’snotthehalfofit,andinthatmomenti
realize,iha一veitmorethanbad.iha一veitforlife.and
amazingly,christianseemstofeelthesame.ethangives
measwifthug.
“laters,ana.”
ireturntomydesk,wrestlingwithmyrealization.oh,
whatiwoulddoforadayonmyown,tojustthinkallthis
through.
“whereha一veyoubeen?”jackissuddenlylooming
overme.
“ihadsomebusinesstoattendtoinreception.”heis
reallygettingonmynerves.
“iwantmylunch.theusual,”hesaysabruptlyand
stompsbackintohisoffice.
whydidn’tistayhomewithchristian?myinner
goddesscrossesherarmsandpursesherlips;shewants
toknowtheanswertothatone,too.pickingupmypurse
andmyblackberry,iheadforthedoor.icheckmy
messages.
from:christiangrey
subject:missingyou
date:june15,201109:06
to:anastasiasteele
mybedistoobigwithoutyou.
lookslikei’llha一vetogotoworkafterall.
evenmegalomaniacceosneedsomethingtodo.
x
christiangrey
twiddlinghisthumbsceo,greyenterprisesholdingsinc.
andthere’sanotherfromhim,fromearlierthismorning.
from:christiangrey
subject:discretion
date:june15,201109:50
to:anastasiasteele
isthebetterpartofvalor.
pleaseusediscretion...yourworke-mailsaremonitored.
howmanytimesdoiha一vetotellyouthis?
yes.shoutycapitalsasyousay.useyourblackberry.
dr.flynncanseeustomorrowevening.
x
christiangrey,
stillpissedceo,greyenterprisesholdingsinc.
andanevenlaterone...ohno.
from:christiangrey
subject:crickets
date:june15,201112:15
to:anastasiasteele
to:anastasiasteele
iha一ven’theardfromyou.
pleasetellmeyouareokay.
youknowhowiworry.
iwillsendtaylortocheck!
x
christiangrey,
over-anxiousceo,greyenterprisesholdingsinc.
irollmyeyes,andcallhim.idon’twanthimtoworry.
“christiangrey’sphone,andreaparkerspeaking.”
oh.iamsodisconcertedthatit’snotchristianwho
answersthatithaltsmeinthestreet,andtheyoungman
behindmemuttersangrilyasheswervestoa一voidbumping
intome.istandunderthegreenawningofthedeli.
“hello?canihelpyou?”andreafillsthevoidof
awkwardsilence.
“sorry...er...iwashopingtospeaktochristian
—”
“mr.greyisinameetingatthemoment.”shebristles
withefficiency.“canitakeamessage?”
“canyoutellhimanacalled?”
“ana?asinanastasiasteele?”
“er...yes.”herquestionconfusesme.
“holdonesecondplease,misssteele.”
ilistenattentivelyassheputsthephonedown,buti
can’ttellwhat’sgoingon.afewsecondslaterchristianis
ontheline.“areyouokay?”
ontheline.“areyouokay?”
“yes,i’mfine.”
ihearthequickreleaseofhisheldbreath.he’s
relieved.
“christian,whywouldn’tibeokay?”iwhisper
reassuringly.
“you’renormallysoquickatrespondingtomyemails.
afterwhatitoldyouyesterday,iwasworried,”he
saysquietly,andthenhe’stalkingtosomeoneinhisoffice.
“no,andrea.tellthemtowait,”hesayssternly.oh,i
knowthattoneofvoice.
ican’thearandrea’sresponse.
“no.isaidwait,”hesnaps.
“christian,you’reobviouslybusy.ionlycalledtolet
youknowthati’mokay,andimeanthat—justverybusy
today.jackhasbeencrackingthewhip.er...i
mean...”iflushandfallsilent.
christiansaysnothingforamoment.
“crackingthewhip,eh?well,therewasatimewheni
wouldha一vecalledhimaluckyman.”hisvoiceisfullofdry
humor.“don’tlethimgetontopofyou,baby.”
“christian!”iscoldhimandiknowhe’sgrinning.
“justwatchhim,that’sall.look,i’mgladyou’re
okay.whattimeshallicollectyou?”
“i’lle-mailyou.”
“fromyourblackberry,”hesayssternly.
“yes,sir,”isnapback.
“laters,baby.”
“bye...”
he’sstillhangingon.
“hangup,”iscold,smiling.
hesighshea一vilydownthephone.“iwishyou’dnever
gonetoworkthismorning.”
“me,too.butiambusy.hangup.”
“youhangup.”ihearhissmile.oh,playfulchristian.i
loveplayfulchristian.hmm...ilovechristian,period.
“we’vebeenherebefore.”
“you’rebitingyourlip.”
shit,he’sright.howdoesheknow?
“yousee,youthinkidon’tknowyou,anastasia.but
iknowyoubetterthanyouthink,”hemurmursseductively
inthatwaythatmakesmeweak,andwet.
“christian,i’lltalktoyoulater.rightnow,ireallywish
ihadn’tleftthismorning,too.”
“i’llwaitforyoure-mail,misssteele.”
“goodday,mr.grey.”
hangingup,ileanagainstthecold,hardglassofthe
delistorewindow.ohmy,evenonthephoneheowns
me.shakingmyheadtoclearitofallthoughtsgrey,i
headintothedeli,depressedbyallthoughtsjack.
heisscowlingwhenigetback.
“isitokayifitakemylunchnow?”iasktentatively.
hegazesupatmeandhisscowldeepens.
“ifyoumust,”hesnaps.“forty-fiveminutes.makeup
thetimeyoulostthismorning.”
“jack,caniaskyousomething?”
“what?”
“youseem,kindofoutofsortstoday.ha一veidone
somethingtooffendyou?”
heblinksatmemomentarily.“idon’tthinki’minthe
moodtolistyourmisdemeanorsrightnow.i’mbusy.”he
continuestostareathiscomputerscreen,effectively
dismissingme.
whoa...whatha一veidone?
iturnandlea一vehisoffice,andforamomentithinki’m
goingtocry.whyhashetakensuchasuddenandintense
disliketome?averyunwelcomeideapopsintomyhead,
butiignoreit.idon’tneedhisshitrightnow—iha一ve
enoughofmyown.
iheadoutofthebuildingtothenearbystarbucks,
orderalatte,andsitdowninthewindow.takingmyipod
frommypurse,iplugmyheadphonesin.ichooseasong
haphazardlyandpressrepeatsoitwillplayoverandover
again.ineedmusictothinkby.
myminddrifts.christianthesadist.christianthe
submissive.christiantheuntouchable.christian’soedipal
impulses.christianbathingleila.igroanandclosemy
eyeswhilethatlastimagehauntsme.
canireallymarrythisman?he’ssomuchtotakein.
he’scomplexanddifficult,butdeepdowniknowidon’t
wanttolea一vehimdespiteallhisissues.icouldneverlea一ve
him.ilovehim.itwouldbelikecuttingoffmyrightarm.
rightnow,iha一veneverfeltsoalive,sovital.i’ve
encounteredallmannerofperplexing,profoundfeelings
andnewexperiencessinceimethim.it’sneveradull
andnewexperiencessinceimethim.it’sneveradull
momentwithfifty.
lookingbackonmylifebeforechristian,it’sasif
everythingwasinblackandwhitelikejosé’spictures.
nowmywholeworldisinrich,bright,saturatedcolor.i
amsoaringinabeamofdazzlinglight,christian’sdazzling
light.iamstillicarus,flyingtooclosetohissun.isnortto
myself.flyingwithchristian—whocanresistamanwho
canfly?
canigivehimup?doiwanttogivehimup?it’sasif
he’sflippedaswitchandlitmeupfromwithin.it’sbeen
aneducationknowinghim.iha一vediscoveredmoreabout
myselfinthelastfewweeksthaneverbefore.i’velearned
aboutmybody,myhardlimits,mysoftlimits,my
tolerance,mypatience,mycompassion,andmycapacity
forlove.
anditstrikesmelikeathunderbolt—that’swhathe
needsfromme,whathe’sentitledto—unconditionallove.
heneverreceiveditfromthecrackwhore—it’swhathe
needs.canilovehimunconditionally?caniaccepthim
forwhoheisregardlessofhisrevelationslastnight?
iknowhe’sdamaged,butidon’tthinkhe’s
irredeemable.isigh,recallingtaylor’swords.“he’sa
goodman,misssteele.”
i’veseentheweightyevidenceofhisgoodness—his
charitywork,hisbusinessethics,hisgenerosity—andyet
hedoesn’tseeitinhimself.hedoesn’tfeeldeservingof
anylove.givenhishistoryandhispredilections,iha一vean
inklingofhisself-loathing—that’swhyhe’sneverlet
anyonein.canigetpastthis?
anyonein.canigetpastthis?
hesaidoncethaticouldn’tbegintounderstandthe
depthsofhisdepra一vity.well,he’stoldmenow,andgiven
thefirstfewyearsofhislife,itdoesn’tsurpriseme.though
itwasstillashocktohearitoutloud.atleasthe’stoldme
—andheseemshappiernowthathehas.iknow
everything.
doesitdevaluehisloveforme?no,idon’tthinkso.
he’sneverfeltthiswaybeforeandneitherha一vei.intruth
we’vebothcomesofar.
tearsprickandpoolinmyeyesasirecallhisfinal
barrierscrumblinglastnightwhenheletmetouchhim.
jeez,ittookleilaandallhercrazytogetustothere.
perhapsishouldbegrateful.thefactthathebathed
herisnotquitesuchabittertasteonmytonguenow.i
wonderwhichclotheshega一veher.ihopeitwasn’tthe
plumdress.ilikedthat.
socanilovethismanwithallhisissues
unconditionally?becausehedeservesnothingless.hestill
needstolearnboundariesandlittlethingslikeempathy,
andtobelesscontrolling.hesayshenolongerfeelsthe
compulsiontohurtme;perhapsdr.flynnwillbeableto
castsomelightonthat.
fundamentally,that’swhatconcernsmemost—thathe
needsthatandhasalwaysfoundlike-mindedwomenwho
needit,too.ifrown.yes,thisisthereassuranceineed.i
wanttobeallthingstothisman,hisalphaandhisomega
andallthingsinbetweenbecauseheistome.
ihopeflynnwillha一vetheanswers,andmaybetheni
cansayyes.christianandicanfindourownsliceof
cansayyes.christianandicanfindourownsliceof
hea一venclosetothesun.
igazeoutatbustling,lunchtimeseattle.mrs.christian
grey—whowouldha一vethought?iglanceatmywatch.