五十度灰(Fifty Shades of Grey)英文版 Part II 13

continues,hisexpressionradiatingpureundilutedsincerity.

igapeathim,searchingfortherightwords.

“canithinkaboutit...please?andthinkabout

everythingelsethat’shappenedtoday?whatyou’vejust

toldme?youaskedforpatienceandfaith.well,backat

you,grey.ineedthosenow.”

hiseyessearchmineandafterabeat,heleans

forwardandtucksmyhairbehindmyear.

“icanlivewiththat.”hekissesmequicklyonthelips.

“notveryromantic,eh?”heraiseshiseyebrows,andi

givehimanadmonishingshakeofmyhead.“heartsand

flowers?”heaskssoftly.

inodandhegivesmeaslightsmile.

“you’rehungry?”

“yes.”

“youdidn’teat.”hiseyesfrostandhisjawhardens.

“no,ididn’teat.”isitbackonmyheelsandregard

himpassively.“beingthrownoutofmyapartmentafter

witnessingmyboyfriendinteractingintimatelywithhisexsubmissive

considerablysuppressedmyappetite.”iglare

athimandfistmyhandsonmyhips.

christianshakeshisheadandrisesgracefullytohis

feet.oh,finallywecangetoffthefloor.heholdshis

handouttome.

“letmefixyousomethingtoeat,”hesays.

“can’tijustgotobed?”imutterwearilyasiplacemy

handinhis.

hepullsmeup.iamstiff.hegazesdownatme,his

expressionsoft.

“no,youneedtoeat.come.”bossychristianisback,

andit’sarelief.

heleadsmetothekitchenareaandushersmetoward

abarstoolasheheadstothefridge.iglanceatmywatch.

jeez,nearlyeleventhirtyandiha一vetogetupforworkin

themorning.

“christian,i’mreallynothungry.”

hestudiouslyignoresmeasheferretsthroughthe

enormousfridge.“cheese?”heasks.

“notatthishour.”

“pretzels?”

“inthefridge?no,”isnap.

heturnsandgrinsatme.“youdon’tlikepretzels?”

“notateleventhirty.christian,i’mgoingtobed.you

canrummagearoundinyourrefrigeratorfortherestofthe

nightifyouwant.i’mtired,andi’vehadfartoointeresting

aday.adayi’dliketoforget.”islideoffthestoolandhe

scowlsatme,butrightnowidon’tcare.iwanttogoto

bed—i’mexhausted.

“macaroniandcheese?”heholdsupawhitebowl

liddedwithfoil.helookssohopefulandendearing.

“youlikemacaroniandcheese?”iask.

henodsenthusiastically,andmyheartmelts.helooks

soyoungallofasudden.whowouldha一vethought?

christiangreylikesnurseryfood.

“youwantsome?”heasks,soundinghopeful.ican’t

resisthimandi’mhungry.

inodandgivehimaweaksmile.hisansweringgrinis

breathtaking.hetakesthefoiloffthebowlandpopsitinto

themicrowa一ve.iperchbackonthestoolandwatchthe

beautythatismr.christiangrey—themanwhowantsto

marryme—movegracefullyandwitheasearoundhis

kitchen.

“soyouknowhowtousethemicrowa一vethen?”i

teasesoftly.

“ifit’sinapacket,icanusuallydosomethingwithit.

it’srealfoodiha一veaproblemwith.”

icannotbelievethisisthesamemanwhowasonhis

kneesinfrontofmenothalfanhourbefore.he’shisusual

mercurialself.hesetsoutplates,cutlery,andplacemats

onthebreakfastbar.

“it’sverylate,”imutter.

“don’tgotoworktomorrow.”

“iha一vetogotoworktomorrow.mybossislea一ving

fornewyork.”

christianfrowns.“doyouwanttogotherethis

weekend?”

“icheckedtheweatherforecast,anditlookslikerain,”

isay,shakingmyhead.

“oh,sowhatdoyouwanttodo?”

themicrowa一ve’spingannouncesthatoursupperis

warmedthrough.

“ijustwanttogetthroughonedayatatimeatthe

moment.allthisexcitementis...tiring.”iraisean

eyebrowathim,whichhejudiciouslyignores.

christianplacesthewhitebowlinbetweenourplace

settingsandtakeshisseatbesideme.helooksdeepin

thought,distracted.idishthemacaroniontoourplates.it

smellsdivine,andmymouthwatersinanticipation.iam

famished.

“sorryaboutleila,”hemurmurs.

“whyareyousorry?”mmm,themacaronitastesas

goodasitsmells.mystomachgrumblesgratefully.

“itmustha一vebeenaterribleshockforyou,findingher

inyourapartment.taylorsweptitearlierhimself.he’s

veryupset.”

“idon’tblametaylor.”

“neitherdoi.he’sbeenoutlookingforyou.”

“really?why?”

“ididn’tknowwhereyouwere.youleftyourpurse,

yourphone.icouldn’teventrackyou.wheredidyou

go?”heasks.hisvoiceissoft,butthere’sanominous

undercurrenttohiswords.

“ethanandijustwenttoabaracrossthestreet.soi

couldwatchwhatwashappening.”

“isee.”theatmospherebetweenushaschanged

sub一tly.it’snolongerlight.

okay,well...twocanplaythatgame.let’sjust

bringthisbacktoyou,fifty.tryingtosoundnonchalant,

wantingtoassuagemyburningcuriositybutdreadingthe

answer,iask,“sowhatdidyoudowithleilainthe

apartment?”

iglanceupathim,andhefreezeswithhisforkfulof

macaronisuspendedinmidair.ohno,that’snotgood.

“youreallywanttoknow?”

aknottightensinmygutandmyappetitevanishes.

“yes,”iwhisper.doyou?doyoureally?my

subconscioushasthrownheremptybottleofginonthe

floorandissittingupinherarmchair,glaringatmein

horror.

christian’smouthflattensintoaline,andhehesitates.

“wetalked,andiga一veherabath.”hisvoiceishoarse,

andhecontinuesquicklywhenimakenoresponse.“and

idressedherinsomeofyourclothes.ihopeyoudon’t

mind.butshewasfilthy.”

holyfuck.hebathedher?

whataninappropriatethingtodo.i’mreeling,staring

downatmyuneatenmacaroni.thesightofitnowmakes

menauseous.

trytorationalizethis,mysubconsciouscoaches.that

cool,intellectualpartofmybrainknowsthathejustdid

thatbecauseshewasdirty,butit’stoohard.myfragile

jealousselfcan’tbearit.

suddenlyiwanttocry—notsuccumbtoladyliketears

thattrickledecorouslydownmycheeks,buthowlingatthe

mooncrying.itakeadeepbreathtosuppresstheurge,

butmythroatisaridanduncomfortablefrommyunshed

tearsandsobs.

“itwasallicoulddo,ana,”hesayssoftly.

“youstillha一vefeelingsforher?”

“no!”hesays,appalled,andcloseshiseyes,his

expressiononeofanguish.iturnaway,staringoncemore

atmynauseatingfood.ican’tbeartolookathim.

“toseeherlikethat—sodifferent,sobroken.icare

abouther,onehumanbeingtoanother.”heshrugsasifto

shakeoffanunpleasantmemory.jeez,isheexpectingmy

sympathy?

“ana,lookatme.”

ican’t.iknowthatifido,iwillburstintotears.this

isjusttoomuchtoabsorb.i’mlikeanoverflowingtankof

gasoline—full,beyondcapacity.thereisnoroomforany

more.isimplycannotcopewithanymorecrap.iwill

combustandexplode,anditwillbeuglyifitry.jeez!

christiancaringforhisex-subinsuchanintimate

fashion—theimageflashesthroughmybrain.bathingher,

forfuck’ssake—naked.aharsh,painfulshudderwracks

mybody.

“ana.”

“what?”

“don’t.itdoesn’tmeananything.itwaslikecaringfor

achild,abroken,shatteredchild,”hemutters.

whatthehellwouldheknowaboutcaringforachild?

thiswasawomanhehadaveryfull-on,deviantsexual

relationshipwith.

oh,thishurts.itakeadeep,steadyingbreath.or

perhapshe’sreferringtohimself.he’sthebrokenchild.

thatmakesmoresense...ormaybeitmakesnosenseat

all.oh,thisissofucked-up,andsuddenlyi’mbone

crushinglytired.ineedsleep.

“ana?”

istand,takemyplatetothesink,andscrapethe

contentsintothetrash.

“ana,please.”

iwhirlaroundandfacehim.“juststop,christian!just

stopwiththe‘ana,please’!”ishoutathim,andmytears

starttotrickledownmyface.“i’vehadenoughofallthis

shittoday.iamgoingtobed.iamtiredandemotional.

nowletmebe.”

iturnonmyheelandpracticallyruntothebedroom,

takingwithmethememoryofhiswide-eyed,shocked

stare.nicetoknowicanshockhim,too.istripoutofmy

clothesindouble-quicktime,andafterriflingthroughhis

chestofdrawers,dragononeofhist-shirtsandheadfor

thebathroom.

igazeatmyselfinthemirror,hardlyrecognizingthe

gaunt,pink-eyed,blotchy-cheekedharridanstaringback

atme,andit’stoomuch.isinktothefloorandsurrender

totheoverwhelmingemotionicannolongercontain,

sobbinghugechest-wrenchingsobs,finallylettingmytears

flowunrestrained.

“hey,”christian’ssaysgentlyashepullsmeintohisarms,

“pleasedon’tcry,ana,please,”hebegs.he’sonthe

bathroomfloor,andiaminhislap.iputmyarmsaround

himandweepintohisneck.cooingsoftlyintomyhair,he

gentlystrokesmyback,myhead.

“i’msorry,baby,”hewhispers,andthatmakesmecry

harderandhughimtighter.

wesitlikethisforever.eventually,wheni’mallcried

out,christianstaggerstohisfeet,holdingme,andcarries

meintohisroomwherehelaysmedowninthebed.ina

fewmoments,he’sbesidemeandthelightsareoff.he

pullsmeintohisarms,huggingmetightly,andifinallydrift

offintoadarkandtroubledsleep.

iawakewithajolt.myheadisfuzzyandi’mtoo

warm.christianiswrappedaroundmelikeavine.he

grumblesinhissleepasislipoutofhisarms,buthe

doesn’twake.sittingupiglanceatthealarmclock.it’s

threeinthemorning.ineedanadvilandadrink.iswing

mylegsoutofbedandmakemywaytothekitcheninthe

greatroom.

inthefridge,ifindacartonoforangejuiceandpour

myselfaglass.hmm...it’sdelicious,andmyfuzzyhead

easesimmediately.ihuntthroughthecupboardslooking

forsomepainkillersandeventuallycomeacrossaplastic

boxfullofmeds.isinktwoadvilandpourmyselfanother

orangejuice.

wanderingtothegreatwallofglass,ilookoutona

sleepingseattle.thelightstwinkleandwinkbeneath

christian’scastleinthesky,orshouldisayfortress?i

pressmyforeheadagainstthecoolwindow—it’sarelief.i

ha一vesomuchtothinkaboutafteralltherevelationsof

yesterday.iplacemybackagainsttheglassandslide

downontothefloor.thegreatroomisca一vernousinthe

dark,theonlylightcomingfromthethreelampsabovethe

kitchenisland.

couldilivehere,marriedtochristian?afterallthat

he’sdonehere?allthehistorythisplaceholdsforhim?

marriage.it’salmostunbelievableandcompletely

unexpected.buttheneverythingaboutchristianis

unexpected.mylipsquirkupwithirony.christiangrey,

expecttheunexpected—fiftyshadesoffucked-up.

mysmilefades.ilooklikehismother.thiswounds

me,deeply,andtheairlea一vesmylungsinarush.weall

looklikehismom.

howthehelldoimoveonfromthedisclosureofthat

littlesecret?nowonderhedidn’twanttotellme.but

surelyhecan’tremembermuchofhismother.iwonder

oncemore,ifishouldtalktodr.flynn.wouldchristian

letme?perhapshecouldfillinthegaps.

ishakemyhead.ifeelworldweary,buti’menjoying

thecalmserenityofthegreatroomanditsbeautifulworks

ofart—coldandaustere,butintheirownway,still

beautifulintheshadowsandsurelyworthafortune.could

ilivehere?forbetter,forworse?insicknessandin

health?iclosemyeyes,leanmyheadbackagainstthe

glass,andtakeadeep,cleansingbreath.

thepeacefultranquilityisshatteredbyavisceral,

primevalcrythatmakeseverysinglehaironmybody

standtoattention.christian!holyfuck—what’s

happened?iamonmyfeet,runningbacktothebedroom

beforetheechoesofthathorriblesoundha一vediedaway,

myheartthumpingwithfear.

ifliponeofthelightswitches,andchristian’sbedside

lightcomestolife.he’stossingandturning,writhingin

agony.no!hecriesoutagain,andtheeerie,devastating

soundlancesthroughmeanew.

shit—anightmare!

“christian!”ileanoverhim,grabhisshoulders,and

shakehimawake.heopenshiseyes,andtheyarewild

andvacant,scanningquicklyroundtheemptyroombefore

comingbacktorestonme.

“youleft,youleft,youmustha一veleft,”hemumbles—

hiswide-eyedstarebecomingaccusatory—andhelooks

solost,itwrenchesatmyheart.poorfifty.

“i’mhere.”isitdownonthebedbesidehim.“i’m

here,”imurmursoftlyinanefforttoreassurehim.ireach

outtoplacemypalmonthesideofhisface,tryingto

soothehim.

“youweregone,”hewhispersrapidly.hiseyesare

stillwildandfrightened,butheseemstobecalming.

“iwenttogetadrink.iwasthirsty.”

hecloseshiseyesandrubshisface.whenheopens

themagain,helookssodesolate.

“you’rehere.oh,thankgod.”hereachesforme,

andgrabbingmetightly,hepullsmedownonthebed

besidehim.

“ijustwentforadrink,”imurmur.

oh,theintensityofhisfear...icanfeelit.histshirt

isdrenchedinsweat,andhisheartbeatispoundingas

hehugsmeclose.he’sgazingatmeasifreassuring

himselfthatiamreallyhere.igentlystrokehishairand

thenhischeek.

“christian,please.i’mhere.i’mnotgoinganywhere,”

isaysoothingly.

“oh,ana,”hebreathes.hegraspsmychintoholdme

inplace,andthenhismouthisonmine.desiresweeps

throughhim,andunbiddenmybodyresponds—it’ssotied

andattunedtohim.hislipsareatmyear,mythroat,then

backatmymouth,histeethgentlypullingatmylowerlip,

hishandtra一velingupmybodyfrommyhiptomybreast,

draggingmyt-shirtup.caressingme,feelinghisway

throughthedipsandshallowsofmyskin,heelicitsthe

samefamiliarreaction,histouchsendingshiversthrough

me.imoanashishandcupsmybreastandhisfingers

tightenovermynipple.

“iwantyou,”hemurmurs.

“i’mhereforyou.onlyyou,christian.”

hegroansandkissesmeoncemore,passionately,

withafervoranddesperationi’venotfeltfromhimbefore.

grabbingthehemofhist-shirt,itugandhehelpsmepull

itoffoverhishead.kneelingbetweenmylegs,hehastily

pullsmeuprightanddragsmyt-shirtoff.

hiseyesareserious,wanting,fullofdarksecrets—

exposed.hefoldshishandsaroundmyfaceandkisses

me,andwesinkdownintothebedoncemore,histhigh

betweenbothofminesothathe’shalf-lyingontopofme.

hiserectionisrigidagainstmyhipthroughhisboxerbriefs.

hewantsme,buthiswordsfromearlierchoosethis

momenttocomebackandhauntme,whathesaidabout

hismother.andit’slikeabucketofcoldwateronmy

libido.fuck.ican’tdothis.notnow.

“christian...stop.ican’tdothis,”iwhisperurgently

againsthismouth,myhandspushingonhisupperarms.

“what?what’swrong?”hemurmursandstartskissing

myneck,runningthetipofhistonguelightlydownmy

throat.oh...

“no,please.ican’tdothis,notnow.ineedsome

time,please.”

“oh,ana,don’toverthinkthis,”hewhispersashenips

myearlobe.

“ah!”igasp,feelingitinmygroin,andmybodybows,

betrayingme.thisissoconfusing.

“iamjustthesame,ana.iloveyouandineedyou.

touchme.please.”herubshisnoseagainstmine,andhis

quietheartfeltpleamovesmeandimelt.

touchhim.touchhimwhilewemakelove.ohmy.

herearsupoverme,gazingdown,andinthehalf-light

fromthedimmedbedsidelight,icantellthathe’swaiting,

waitingformydecision,andhe’scaughtinmyspell.

ireachupandtentativelyplacemyhandonthesoft

patchofhairoverhissternum.hegaspsandscruncheshis

eyesclosedasifinpain,butidon’ttakemyhandaway

thistime.imoveituptohisshoulders,feelingthetremor

runthroughhim.hegroans,andipullhimdowntome

andplacebothmyhandsonhisback,wherei’venever

touchedhimbefore,onhisshoulderblades,holdinghimto

me.hisstrangledmoanarousesmelikenothingelse.

heburieshisheadinmyneck,kissingandsuckingand

bitingme,beforetrailinghisnoseupmychinandkissing

me,histonguepossessingmymouth,hishandsmoving

overmybodyoncemore.hislipsmovedown...

down...downtomybreasts,worshippingastheygo,

andmyhandsstayonhisshouldersandhisback,enjoying

theflexandrippleofhisfinelyhonedmuscles,hisskinstill

dampfromhisnightmare.hislipscloseovermynipple,

pullingandtugging,sothatitrisestogreethisglorious

skilledmouth.

igroanandrunmyfingernailsacrosshisback.andhe

gasps,astrangledmoan.

“oh,fuck,ana,”hechokes,andit’shalfcry,half

groan.ittearsatmyheart,butalsodeepinsideme,

tighteningallthemusclesbelowmywaist.oh,whatican

dotohim!myinnergoddessiswrithingwithwantandi’m

pantingnow,matchinghistorturedbreathswithmyown.

hishandtra一velssouth,overmybelly,downtomysex

—andhisfingersareonme,theninme.igroanashe

moveshisfingersaroundinsideme,inthatway,andipush

mypelvisuptowelcomehistouch.

“ana,”hebreathes.hesuddenlyreleasesmeandsits

up;heremoveshisboxerbriefsandleansovertothe

bedsidetabletograbafoilpacket.hiseyesareablazing

grayashepassesmethecondom.“youwanttodothis?

youcanstillsayno.youcanalwayssayno,”hemurmurs.

“don’tgivemeachancetothink,christian.iwant

you,too.”iripthepacketopenwithmyteethashekneels

betweenmylegs,andwithtremblingfingersislideitonto

him.

“steady,”hesays.“youaregoingtounmanme,ana.”

imarvelatwhaticandotothismanwithmytouch.

hestretchesoutoverme,andfornowmydoub一tsare

pusheddownandlockedawayinthedark,scarydepths

atthebackofmymind.i’mintoxicatedwiththisman,my

man,myfiftyshades.heshiftssuddenly,completely

takingmebysurprise,soiamontop.whoa.

“you—takeme,”hemurmurs,hiseyesglowingwitha

feralintensity.

ohmy,andslowly,oh-so-slowly,isinkdownonto

him.hetiltshisheadbackandcloseshiseyesashe

groans.igrabhishandsandstarttomove,revelinginthe

fullnessofmypossession,revelinginhisreaction,watching

himunra一velbeneathme.ifeellikeagoddess.ileandown

andkisshischin,runningmyteethalonghisstubbledjaw.

hetastesdelicious.heclaspsmyhipsandsteadiesmy

rhythm,slowandeasy.

“ana,touchme...please.”

oh.ileanforwardandsteadymyselfwithmyhands

onhischest.andhecallsout,hiscryalmostasob,andhe

thrustsdeepinsideme.

“ahh,”iwhimperandrunmyfingernailsgentlyoverhis

chest,throughthehairthere,andhegroansloudlyand

twistsabruptlysoiamoncemorebeneathhim.

“enough.”hemoans.“nomore,please.”andit’sa

heartfeltplea.

reachingup,iclasphisfaceinmyhands,feelingthe

dampnessonhischeeks,andpullhimdowntomylipsso

thaticankisshim.icurlmyhandsaroundhisback.

hegroansdeepandlowinhisthroatashemoves

insideme,pushingmeonwardandupward,butican’tfind

myrelease.myheadistoocloudy,cloudywithissues.i

amtoowrappedupinhim.

“letgo,ana,”heurgesme.

“no.”

“yes,”hesnarls.heshiftsslightlyandgyrateshiships,

againandagain.

jeez...argh!

“comeonbaby,ineedthis.giveittome.”

andiexplode,mybodyasla一vetohis,andwrap

myselfaroundhim,clingingtohimlikeavineashecries

outmyname,andclimaxeswithme,thencollapses,hisfull

weightpressingmeintothemattress.

icradlechristianinmyarms,hisheadonmychest,aswe

lieintheafterglowofourlovemaking.irunmyfingers

throughhishairasilistentohisbreathingreturntonormal.

“don’teverlea一veme,”hewhispers,andirollmyeyes

inthefullknowledgethathecan’tseeme.

“iknowyou’rerollingyoureyesatme,”hemurmurs,

andihearthetraceofhumorinhisvoice.

“youknowmewell,”imurmur.

“i’dliketoknowyoubetter.”

“backatyou,grey.whatwasyournightmareabout?”

“theusual.”

“tellme.”

heswallowsandtensesbeforehesighs,alongdrawnout

sigh.“imustbeaboutthree,andthecrackwhore’s

pimpismadashellagain.hesmokesandsmokes,one

cigaretteafteranother,andhecan’tfindanashtray.”he

stops,andifreezeasacreepingchillgripsmyheart.

“ithurt,”hesays,“it’sthepainiremember.that’s

whatgivesmenightmares.thatandthefactthatshedid

nothingtostophim.”

ohno.thisisunbearable.itightenmygriparound

him,mylegsandarmsholdinghimtome,anditrynotto

letmydespairchokeme.howcouldanyonetreatachild

likethat?heraiseshisheadandpinsmewithhisintense

graygaze.

“you’renotlikeher.don’teverthinkthat.please.”

iblinkbackathim.it’sveryreassuringtohear.he

putshisheadonmychestagain,andithinkhe’sfinished,

buthesurprisesmebycontinuing.

“sometimesinthedreamsshe’sjustlyingonthefloor.

andithinkshe’sasleep.butshedoesn’tmove.shenever

moves.andi’mhungry.reallyhungry.”

ohfuck.

“there’saloudnoiseandhe’sback,andhehitsmeso

hard,cursingthecrackwhore.hisfirstreactionwas

alwaystousehisfistsorhisbelt.”

“isthatwhyyoudon’tliketobetouched?”

hecloseshiseyesandhugsmetighter.“that’s

complicated,”hemurmurs.henuzzlesmebetweenmy

breasts,inhalingdeeply,tryingtodistractme.

“tellme,”iprompt.

hesighs.“shedidn’tloveme.ididn’tloveme.the

onlytouchiknewwas...harsh.itstemmedfromthere.

flynnexplainsitbetterthanican.”

“caniseeflynn?”

heraiseshisheadtolookatme.“fiftyshadesrubbing

offonyou?”

“andthensome.ilikehowit’srubbingoffatthe

moment.”iwriggleprovocativelyunderneathhimandhe

smiles.

“yes,misssteele,ilikethat,too.”heleansupand

kissesme.hegazesatmeforamoment.

“youaresoprecioustome,ana.iwasseriousabout

marryingyou.wecangettoknoweachotherthen.ican

lookafteryou.youcanlookafterme.wecanha一vekids

ifyouwant.iwilllaymyworldatyourfeet,anastasia.i

wantyou,bodyandsoul,forever.pleasethinkaboutit.”

“iwillthinkaboutit,christian.iwill,”ireassurehim,

reelingoncemore.kids?jeez.“i’dreallyliketotalkto

dr.flynn,though,ifyoudon’tmind.”

“anythingforyou,baby.anything.whenwouldyou

liketoseehim?”

“soonerratherthanlater.”

“okay.i’llmakethearrangementsinthemorning.”he

glancesattheclock.“it’slate.weshouldsleep.”heshifts

toswitchoffhisbedsidelightandpullsmeagainsthim.

iglanceatthealarmclock.crap,it’sthreeforty-five.

hecurlshisarmsaroundme,hisfronttomyback,and

nuzzlesmyneck.“iloveyou,anasteele,andiwantyou

bymyside,always,”hemurmursashekissesmyneck.

“nowgotosleep.”