五十度灰(Fifty Shades of Grey)英文版 Part II 2

“i’vemissedyou...reallymissedyou,christian.the

pastfewdaysha一vebeen...difficult.”iswallow,anda

lumpinmythroatswellsasirecallmydesperateanguish

sinceilefthim.

thislastweekhasbeentheworstinmylife,thepain

almostindescribable.nothinghascomeclose.butreality

hitshome,windingme.

“nothing’schanged.ican’tbewhatyouwantmeto

be.”isqueezethewordsoutpastthelumpinmythroat.

“youarewhatiwantyoutobe,”hesays,hissoft

voiceemphatic.

“no,christian,i’mnot.”

“you’reupsetbecauseofwhathappenedlasttime.i

beha一vedstupidly,andyou...sodidyou.whydidn’tyou

safeword,anastasia?”histonechanges,becoming

accusatory.

what?whoa—changeofdirection.iflush,blinking

athim.

“answerme.”

“idon’tknow.iwasoverwhelmed.iwastryingtobe

whatyouwantedmetobe,tryingtodealwiththepain,

anditwentoutofmymind.youknow...iforgot,”i

whisperashamed,andishrugapologetically.

jeez,perhapswecouldha一vea一voidedallthis

heartache.

“youforgot!”hegaspswithhorror,grabbingthesides

ofthetableandglaringatme.iwitherunderhisstare.

shit!he’sfuriousagain.myinnergoddessglaresat

me,too.see,youbroughtallthisonyourself!

“howcanitrustyou?”hesays,hisvoicelow.“ever?”

thewaiterarriveswithourwineaswesitstaringat

eachother,blueeyestogray.bothofusfilledwith

unspokenrecriminations,whilethewaiterremovesthe

corkwithanunnecessaryflourishandpoursalittlewine

intochristian’sglass.automaticallychristianreachesout

andtakesasip.

“that’sfine.”hisvoiceiscurt.

gingerlythewaiterfillsourglasses,placingthebottle

onthetablebeforebeatingahastyretreat.christianhas

nottakenhiseyesoffmethewholetime.iamthefirstto

crack,breakingeyecontact,pickingupmyglassand

takingalargegulp.ibarelytasteit.

“i’msorry,”iwhisper,suddenlyfeelingstupid.ileft

becauseithoughtwewereincompatible,buthe’ssayingi

couldha一vestoppedhim?

“sorryforwhat?”hesaysalarmed.

“notusingthesafeword.”

hecloseshiseyes,asifinrelief.

“wemightha一vea一voidedallthissuffering,”hemutters.

“youlookfine.”morethanfine.youlooklikeyou.

“appearancescanbedeceptive,”hesaysquietly.“i’m

anythingbutfine.ifeellikethesunhassetandnotrisenfor

fivedays,ana.i’minperpetualnighthere.”

i’mwindedbyhisadmission.ohmy,likeme.

“yousaidyou’dneverlea一ve,yetthegoinggetstough

andyou’reoutthedoor.”

“whendidisayi’dneverlea一ve?”

“inyoursleep.itwasthemostcomfortingthingi’d

heardinsolong,anastasia.itmademerelax.”

myheartconstrictsandireachformywine.

“yousaidyoulovedme,”hewhispers.“isthatnowin

thepasttense?”hisvoiceislow,lacedwithanxiety.

“no,christian,it’snot.”

hegazesatme,andhelookssovulnerableashe

exhales.“good,”hemurmurs.

i’mshockedbyhisadmission.he’shadachangeof

heart.whenitoldhimilovedhimbefore,hewas

horrified.thewaiterisback.brisklyheplacesourplates

infrontofusandscuttlesaway.

holyhell.food.

“eat,”christiancommands.

deepdowniknowi’mhungry,butrightnow,my

stomachisinknots.sittingacrossfromtheonlymani

ha一veeverlovedanddebatingouruncertainfuturedoesnot

promoteahealthyappetite.ilookdubiouslyatmyfood.

“sohelpmegod,anastasia,ifyoudon’teat,iwill

takeyouacrossmykneehereinthisrestaurant,anditwill

ha一venothingtodowithmysexualgratification.eat!”

jeez,keepyourhairon,grey.mysubconscious

staresatmeoverherhalf-moonspecs.sheis

wholeheartedlyinagreementwithfiftyshades.

“okay,i’lleat.stowyourtwitchingpalm,please.”

hedoesn’tsmilebutcontinuestoglareatme.

reluctantlyiliftmyknifeandforkandsliceintomysteak.

oh,it’smouthwateringlygood.iamhungry,reallyhungry.

ichewandhevisiblyrelaxes.

weeatoursupperinsilence.themusic’schanged.a

soft-voicedwomansingsinthebackground,herwords

echoingmythoughts.

iglanceatfifty.he’seatingandwatchingme.hunger,

longing,anxietycombinedinonehotlook.

“doyouknowwho’ssinging?”itryforsomenormal

conversation.

christianpausesandlistens.“no...butshe’sgood,

whoeversheis.”

“ilikeher,too.”

finallyhesmileshisprivateenigmaticsmile.what’she

planning?

“what?”iask.

heshakeshishead.“eatup,”hesaysmildly.

iha一veeatenhalfthefoodonmyplate.icannoteatany

more.howcaninegotiatethis?

“ican’tmanageanymore.ha一veieatenenoughfor

sir?”

hestaresatmeimpassively,notanswering,then

glancesathiswatch.

“iamreallyfull,”iadd,takingasipofthedelicious

wine.

“weha一vetogoshortly.taylor’shere,andyouha一veto

beupforworkinthemorning.”

“sodoyou.”

“ifunctiononalotlesssleepthanyoudo,anastasia.

atleastyou’veeatensomething.”

“aren’twegoingbackviacharlietango?”

“no,ithoughtimightha一veadrink.taylorwillcollect

us.besides,thiswayiha一veyouinthecaralltomyselffor

afewhours,atleast.whatcanwedobuttalk?”

oh,that’shisplan.

christiansummonsthewaitertoaskforthecheck,

thenpicksuphisblackberryandmakesacall.

“we’reatlepicotin,southwestthirdavenue.”he

hangsup.

jeez,he’scurtoverthephone.

“you’reverybrusquewithtaylor,infact,withmost

people.”

“ijustgettothepointquickly,anastasia.”

“youha一ven’tgottentothepointthisevening.

nothing’schanged,christian.”

“iha一veapropositionforyou.”

“thisstartedwithaproposition.”

“adifferentproposition.”

thewaiterreturns,andchristianhandsoverhiscredit

cardwithoutcheckingthebill.hegazesatme

speculativelywhilethewaiterswipeshiscard.christian’s

phonebuzzesonce,andhepeersatit.

hehasaproposition?whatnow?acoupleof

scenariosrunthroughmymind:kidnap,workingforhim.

no,nothingmakessense.christianfinishespaying.

“come.taylor’soutside.”

westandandhetakesmyhand.

“idon’twanttoloseyou,anastasia.”hekissesmy

knucklestenderly,andthetouchofhislipsonmyskin

resonatesthroughoutmybody.

outsidetheaudiiswaiting.christianopensmydoor.

climbingin,isinkintotheplushleather.heheadstothe

driver’sside,taylorstepsoutofthecarandtheytalk

briefly.thisisn’ttheirusualprotocol.i’mcurious.what

aretheytalkingabout?momentslater,theybothclimbin,

andiglanceatchristianwho’swearinghisimpassiveface

ashestaresahead.

iallowmyselfabriefmomenttoexaminehisgodlike

profile:straightnose,sculpturedfulllips,hairfalling

deliciouslyoverhisforehead.thisdivinemanissurelynot

meantforme.

softmusicsuddenlyfillstherearofthecar,an

orchestralpiecethatidon’tknow,andtaylorpullsinto

thelighttraffic,headingforthei-5andseattle.

christianshiftstofaceme.“asiwassaying,

anastasia,iha一veapropositionforyou.”

iglancenervouslyattaylor.

“taylorcan’thearyou,”christianreassuresme.

“how?”

“taylor,”christiancalls.taylordoesn’trespond.he

callsagain,stillnoresponse.christianleansoverandtaps

hisshoulder.taylorremovesanearbudihadn’tnoticed.

“yes,sir?”

“thankyou,taylor.it’sokay;resumeyourlistening.”

“sir.”

“happynow?he’slisteningtohisipod.puccini.

forgethe’shere.ido.”

“didyoudeliberatelyaskhimtodothat?”

“yes.”

oh.“okay,yourproposition?”

christianlookssuddenlydeterminedandbusinesslike.

holyshit.we’renegotiatingadeal.ilistenattentively.

“letmeaskyousomethingfirst.doyouwantaregular

vanillarelationshipwithnokinkyfuckeryatall?”

mymouthdropsopen.“kinkyfuckery?”isqueak.

“kinkyfuckery.”

“ican’tbelieveyousaidthat.”iglancenervouslyat

taylor.

“well,idid.answerme,”hesayscalmly.

iflush.myinnergoddessisdownonbendedknee

withherhandsclaspedinsupplicationbeggingme.

“ilikeyourkinkyfuckery,”iwhisper.

“that’swhatithought.sowhatdon’tyoulike?”

notbeingabletotouchyou.youenjoyingmypain,

thebiteofthebelt...

“thethreatofcruelandunusualpunishment.”

“whatdoesthatmean?”

“well,youha一veallthosecanesandwhipsandstuffin

yourplayroom,andtheyfrightenthelivingdaylightsoutof

me.idon’twantyoutousethemonme.”

“okay,sonowhipsorcanes—orbelts,forthat

matter,”hesayssardonically.

igazeathimpuzzled.“areyouattemptingtoredefine

thehardlimits?”

“notassuch,i’mjusttryingtounderstandyou,geta

clearerpictureofwhatyoudoanddon’tlike.”

“fundamentally,christian,it’syourjoyininflictingpain

onmethat’sdifficultformetohandle.andtheideathat

you’lldoitbecauseiha一vecrossedsomearbitraryline.”

“butit’snotarbitrary;therulesarewrittendown.”

“idon’twantasetofrules.”

“noneatall?”

“norules.”ishakemyhead,butmyheartisinmy

mouth.whereishegoingwiththis?

“butyoudon’tmindifispankyou?”

“spankmewithwhat?”

“this.”heholdsuphishand.

isquirmuncomfortably.“no,notreally.especially

withthosesilverballs...”thankhea一vensit’sdark,my

faceisflamingandmyvoicetrailsoffasirecallthatnight.

yeah...i’ddothatagain.

hesmirksatme.“yes,thatwasfun.”

“morethanfun,”imutter.

“soyoucandealwithsomepain.”

ishrug.“yes,isuppose.”oh,whereishegoingwith

this?myanxietylevelhasshotupseveralmagnitudeson

therichterscale.

hestrokeshischin,deepinthought.“anastasia,i

wanttostartagain.dothevanillathingandthenmaybe,

onceyoutrustmemoreanditrustyoutobehonestandto

communicatewithme,wecouldmoveonanddosomeof

thethingsthatiliketodo.”

istareathim,stunned,withnothoughtsinmyheadat

all—likeacomputercrash.hegazesatmeanxiously,buti

can’tseehimclearly,aswe’reshroudedintheoregon

darkness.itoccurstome,finally,thisisit.

hewantsthelight,butcaniaskhimtodothisforme?

anddon’tilikethedark?somedark,sometimes.

memoriesofthethomastallisnightdriftinvitinglythrough

mymind.

“butwhataboutpunishments?”

“nopunishments.”heshakeshishead.“none.”

“andtherules?”

“norules.”

“noneatall?butyouha一veneeds.”

“ineedyoumore,anastasia.theselastfewdaysha一ve

beenpurgatory.allmyinstinctstellmetoletyougo,tell

meidon’tdeserveyou.

“thosephotostheboytook...icanseehowhesees

you.youlooksountroubledandbeautiful,notthatyou’re

notbeautifulnow,buthereyousit.iseeyourpain.it’s

hardknowingthati’mtheonewhohasmadeyoufeelthis

way.

“buti’maselfishman.i’vewantedyousinceyoufell

intomyoffice.youareexquisite,honest,warm,strong,

witty,beguilinglyinnocent;thelistisendless.iaminawe

ofyou.iwantyou,andthethoughtofanyoneelseha一ving

youislikeaknifetwistinginmydarksoul.”

mymouthgoesdry.holyshit.mysubconsciousnods

withsatisfaction.ifthatisn’tadeclarationoflove,idon’t

knowwhatis.andthewordstumbleoutofme—adam

breached.

“christian,whydoyouthinkyouha一veadarksoul?i

wouldneversaythat.sadmaybe,butyou’reagoodman.

icanseethat...you’regenerous,you’rekind,and

you’veneverliedtome.andiha一ven’ttriedveryhard.

“lastsaturdaywassuchashocktomysystem.itwas

mywake-upcall.irealizedthatyou’dbeeneasyonme

andthaticouldn’tbethepersonyouwantedmetobe.

then,afterileft,itdawnedonmethatthephysicalpain

youinflictedwasnotasbadasthepainoflosingyou.ido

wanttopleaseyou,butit’shard.”

“youpleasemeallthetime,”hewhispers.“howoften

doiha一vetotellyouthat?”

“ineverknowwhatyou’rethinking.sometimesyou’re

soclosedoff...likeanislandstate.youintimidateme.

that’swhyikeepquiet.idon’tknowwhichwayyour

moodisgoingtogo.itswingsfromnorthtosouthand

backagaininananosecond.it’sconfusingandyouwon’t

letmetouchyou,andiwanttosomuchtoshowyouhow

muchiloveyou.”

heblinksatmeinthedarkness,warilyithink,andi

canresisthimnolonger.iunbucklemyseatbeltand

scrambleintohislap,takinghimbysurprise,andtakehis

headinmyhands.

“iloveyou,christiangrey.andyou’repreparedto

doallthisforme.i’mtheonewhoisundeserving,andi’m

justsorrythatican’tdoallthosethingsforyou.maybe

withtime...idon’tknow...butyes,iacceptyour

proposition.wheredoisign?”

hesnakeshisarmsaroundmeandcrushesmetohim.

“oh,ana,”hebreathesasheburieshisnoseinmy

hair.

wesit,ourarmswrappedaroundeachother,listening

tothemusic—asoothingpianopiece—mirroringthe

emotionsinthecar,thesweettranquilcalmafterthestorm.

isnuggleintohisarms,restingmyheadinthecrookofhis

neck.hegentlystrokesmyback.

“touchingisahardlimitforme,anastasia,”he

whispers.

“iknow.iwishiunderstoodwhy.”

afterawhile,hesighs,andinasoftvoicehesays,“i

hadahorrificchildhood.oneofthecrackwhore’s

pimps...”hisvoicetrailsoff,andhisbodytensesashe

recallssomeunimaginablehorror.“icanrememberthat,”

hewhispers,shuddering.

abruptly,myheartconstrictsasiremembertheburn

scarsmarringhisskin.oh,christian.itightenmyarms

aroundhisneck.

“wassheabusive?yourmother?”myvoiceislow

andsoftwithunshedtears.

“notthatiremember.shewasneglectful.shedidn’t

protectmefromherpimp.”

hesnorts.“ithinkitwasmewholookedafterher.

whenshefinallykilledherself,ittookfourdaysfor

someonetoraisethealarmandfindus...iremember

that.”

icannotcontainmygaspofhorror.holymotherfuck.

bilerisesinmythroat.

“that’sprettyfucked-up,”iwhisper.

“fiftyshades,”hemurmurs.

iturnmyheadandpressmylipsagainsthisneck,

seekingandofferingsolaceasiimagineasmall,dirty,

gray-eyedboylostandlonelybesidethebodyofhisdead

mother.

oh,christian.ibreatheinhisscent.hesmells

hea一venly,myfa一voritefragranceintheentireworld.he

tightenshisarmsaroundmeandkissesmyhair,andisit

wrappedinhisembraceastaylorspeedsintothenight.

wheniwake,we’redrivingthroughseattle.

“hey,”christiansayssoftly.

“sorry,”imurmurasisitup,blinkingandstretching.i

amstillinhisarms,onhislap.

“icouldwatchyousleepforever,ana.”

“didisayanything?”

“no.we’renearlyatyourplace.”

oh?“we’renotgoingtoyours?”

“no.”

isitupandgazeathim.“whynot?”

“becauseyouha一veworktomorrow.”

“oh.”ipout.

hesmirksatme.“why,didyouha一vesomethingin

mind?”

iflush.“well,maybe.”

hechuckles.“anastasia,iamnotgoingtotouchyou

again,notuntilyoubegmeto.”

“what!”

“sothatyou’llstartcommunicatingwithme.nexttime

wemakelove,you’regoingtoha一vetotellmeexactlywhat

youwantinfinedetail.”

“oh.”heshiftsmeoffhislapastaylorpullsup

outsidemyapartment.christianclimbsoutandholdsthe

cardooropenforme.

“iha一vesomethingforyou.”hemovestothebackof

thecar,opensthetrunk,andpullsoutalargegift-wrapped

box.whatthehellisthis?

“openitwhenyougetinside.”

“you’renotcomingin?”

“no,anastasia.”

“sowhenwilliseeyou?”

“tomorrow.”

“mybosswantsmetogoforadrinkwithhim

tomorrow.”

christian’sfacehardens.“doeshe,now?”hisvoiceis

lacedwithlatentmenace.

“tocelebratemyfirstweek,”iaddquickly.

“where?”

“idon’tknow.”

“icouldpickyouupfromthere.”

“okay...i’lle-mailortextyou.”

“good.”

hewalksmetothelobbydoorandwaitswhileidig

mykeysoutofmypurse.asiunlockthedoor,heleans

forwardandcupsmychin,tiltingmyheadback.hismouth

hoversovermine,andclosinghiseyes,herunsatrailof

kissesfromthecornerofmyeyetothecornerofmy

mouth.

asmallmoanescapesmymouthasmyinsidesmelt

andunfurl.

“untiltomorrow,”hebreathes.

“goodnight,christian,”iwhisper,andiheartheneed

inmyvoice.

hesmiles.

“inyougo,”heorders,andiwalkthroughthelobby

carryingmymysteriousparcel.

“laters,baby,”hecalls,thenturnsandwithhiseasy

grace,headsbacktothecar.

onceintheapartment,iopenthegiftboxandfindmy

macbookprolaptop,theblackberry,andanother

rectangularbox.whatisthis?iunwrapthesilverpaper.

insideisablack,slim,leathercase.

openingthecase,ifindanipad.holyshit...an

ipad.awhitecardisrestingonthescreenwithamessage

writteninchristian’shandwriting:

holycow.iha一veachristiangreymix-tapeinthe

guiseofahigh-endipad.ishakemyheadindisapproval

becauseoftheexpense,butdeepdowniloveit.jackat

theofficehasone,soiknowhowtheywork.

iswitchitonandgaspasthewallpaperimageappears:

asmallmodelglider.ohmy.it’stheblanikl23iga一ve

him,mountedonaglassstandandsittingonwhatithinkis

christian’sdeskathisoffice.igapeatit.

hebuiltit!hereallydidbuildit.iremembernowhe

mentioneditinthenotewiththeflowers.i’mreeling,andi

knowinthatinstantthathe’sputagreatdealofthought

intothisgift.

islidethearrowatthebottomofthescreentounlock

itandgaspagain.thebackgroundphotographisof

christianandmeatmygraduationinthemarquee.it’sthe

onethatappearedintheseattletimes.christianlooksso

handsomeandican’thelpmyface-splittinggrin,asmy

innergoddesscurlsuphuggingherselfonherchaiselongue

—yes,andhe’smine!

withaswipeofmyfinger,theiconsshift,andseveral

newonesappearonthenextscreen.akindleapp,

ibooks,words—whateverthatis.

holyshit!thebritishlibrary?itouchtheiconanda

menuappears:historicalcollection.scrollingdown,

iselectnovelsofthe18thand19thcentury.

anothermenu.itaponatitle:theamericanbyhenry

james.anewwindowopens,offeringmeascanned

copyofthebooktoread.holycrap—it’sanearlyedition,

publishedin1879,andit’sonmyipad!he’sboughtme

thebritishlibraryatatouchofabutton.

iexitquickly,knowingthaticouldbelostinthisapp

foraneternity.inoticea“goodfood”appthatmakesme

rollmyeyesandsmileatthesametime,anewsapp,a

weatherapp,buthisnotementionedmusic.igobackto

themainscreen,hittheipodiconandaplaylistappears.i

scrollthroughthesongs,andthelistmakesmesmile.

thomastallis—i’mnotgoingtoforgetthatinahurry.i

heardittwice,afterall,whilehefloggedandfuckedme.

“witchcraft.”mygringetswider—dancingroundthe

greatroom.thebachmarcellopiece—ohno,that’sway

toosadformymoodrightnow.hmm.jeffbuckley

—yeah,i’veheardofhim.snowpatrol—myfa一vorite

band—andasongcalled“principlesoflust”byenigma.

howchristian.ismirk.anothercalled“possession”...

ohyes,veryfiftyshades.andafewmoreiha一venever

heard.

selectingasongthatcatchesmyeye,ipressplay.it’s

called“try”bynelliefurtado.shestartstosing,andher

voiceisasilkenscarfwrappingaroundme,envelopingme.

iliedownonmybed.

doesthismeanchristian’sgoingtotry?trythisnew

relationship?idrinkinthelyrics,staringattheceiling,

tryingtounderstandhisturnaround.hemissedme.i

missedhim.hemustha一vesomefeelingsforme.hemust.

thisipad,thesesongs,theseapps—hecares.hereally

cares.myheartswellswithhope.

thesongendsandtearsspringtomyeyes.iquickly

scrolltoanother—“thescientist”bycoldplay—oneof

kate’sfa一voritebands.iknowthetrack,buti’venever

reallylistenedtothelyricsbefore.iclosemyeyesandlet

thewordswashoverandthroughme.

mytearsstarttoflow.ican’tstemthem.ifthisisn’tan

apology,whatisit?oh,christian.

oristhisaninvitation?willheanswermyquestions?

amireadingtoomuchintothis?iamprobably

readingtoomuchintothis.mysubconsciousnodsat

me,tryingtohideherpity.

idashmytearsaway.iha一vetoe-mailhimtothank

him.ileapoffmybedtofetchthemeanmachine.

coldplaycontinuesasisitcross-leggedonmybed.

themacpowersupandilogin.

from:anastasiasteele

subject:ipad

date:june9,201123:56

to:christiangrey

you’vemademecryagain.

ilovetheipad.

ilovethesongs.

ilovethebritishlibraryapp.

iloveyou.

thankyou.

goodnight.

anaxx

from:christiangrey

subject:ipad

date:june10,201100:03

to:anastasiasteele

i’mgladyoulikeit.iboughtoneformyself.

now,ifiwerethere,iwouldkissawayyourtears.

buti’mnot—sogotosleep.

christiangrey

ceo,greyenterprisesholdingsinc.