五十度灰(Fifty Shades of Grey)英文版 Part II 1

eljamesisatvexecutive,wifeandmotheroftwo,basedin

westlondon.sinceearlychildhood,shedreamtofwritingstories

thatreaderswouldfallinlovewith,butputthosedreamsonhold

tofocusonherfamilyandhercareer.shefinallypluckedupthe

couragetoputpentopaperwithherfirstnovel,fiftyshadesof

grey.

eljamesiscurrentlyworkingonthesequeltofiftyshades

darkerandanewromanticthrillerwithasupernaturaltwist.

ioweahugedeb一tofgratitudetosarah,kay,andjada.

thankyouforallthatyouha一vedoneforme.

alsohugethankstokathleenandkristiwhostepped

intothebreachandsortedstuffout.

thankyoutootoniall,myhusband,mylover,andmy

bestfriend(mostofthetime).

andabigshoutouttoallthewonderful,wonderfulwomen

fromallovertheworldwhomiha一vehadthepleasureof

meetingsinceistartedallthis,andwhominowconsider

friends,including:ale,alex,amy,andrea,angela,

azucena,babs,bee,belinda,betsy,brandy,britt,

caroline,catherine,dawn,gwen,hannah,janet,jen,

jenn,jill,kathy,katie,kellie,kelly,liz,mandy,

margaret,natalia,nicole,nora,olga,pam,pauline,

raina,raizie,rajka,rhian,ruth,steph,susi,tasha,

tayloranduna.andalsotothemany,manytalented,

funny,warmwomen(andmen)iha一vemetonline.you

knowwhoyouare.

thankstomorganandjennforallthingsheathman.

andfinally,thankyoutojanine,myeditor.yourock.

thatisall.

he’scomeback.mommy’sasleeporshe’ssickagain.

ihideandcurlupsmallunderthetableinthekitchen.

throughmyfingersicanseemommy.sheisasleepon

thecouch.herhandisonthestickygreenrug,andhe’s

wearinghisbigbootswiththeshinybuckleandstanding

overmommyshouting.

hehitsmommywithabelt.getup!getup!youare

onefucked-upbitch.youareonefucked-upbitch.

youareonefucked-upbitch.youareonefucked-up

bitch.youareonefucked-upbitch.youareone

fucked-upbitch.

mommymakesasobbingnoise.stop.pleasestop.

mommydoesn’tscream.mommycurlsupsmall.

iha一vemyfingersinmyears,andiclosemyeyes.the

soundstops.

heturnsandicanseehisbootsashestompsintothe

kitchen.hestillhasthebelt.heistryingtofindme.

hestoopsdownandgrins.hesmellsnasty.of

cigarettesanddrink.thereyouare,youlittleshit.

achillingwailwakeshim.christ!he’sdrenchedin

sweatandhisheartispounding.whatthefuck?hesits

boltuprightinbedandputshisheadinhands.fuck.

they’reback.thenoisewasme.hetakesadeep

steadyingbreath,tryingtoridhismindandnostrilsofthe

smellofcheapbourbonandstalecamelcigarettes.

iha一vesurviveddaythreepost-christian,andmyfirstday

atwork.ithasbeenawelcomedistraction.thetimehas

flownbyinahazeofnewfaces,worktodo,andmr.jack

hyde.mr.jackhyde...hesmilesdownatme,hisblue

eyestwinkling,asheleansagainstmydesk.

“excellentwork,ana.ithinkwe’regoingtomakea

greatteam.”

somehow,imanagetocurlmylipsupwardina

semblanceofasmile.

“i’llbeoff,ifthat’sokaywithyou,”imurmur.

“ofcourse,it’sfivethirty.i’llseeyoutomorrow.”

“goodnight,jack.”

“goodnight,ana.”

collectingmybag,ishrugonmyjacketandheadfor

thedoor.outintheearlyeveningairofseattle,itakea

deepbreath.itdoesn’tbegintofillthevoidinmychest,a

voidthat’sbeenpresentsincesaturdaymorning,apainful

hollowreminderofmyloss.iwalktowardthebusstop

withmyheaddown,staringatmyfeetandcontemplating

beingwithoutmybelovedwanda,myoldbeetle...or

theaudi.

ishutthedooronthatthoughtimmediately.no.don’t

thinkabouthim.ofcourse,icanaffordacar—anice,

newcar.isuspecthehasbeenovergenerousinhis

payment,andthethoughtlea一vesabittertasteinmymouth,

butidismissitandtrytokeepmymindasnumbandas

blankaspossible.ican’tthinkabouthim.idon’twantto

startcryingagain—notoutonthestreet.

theapartmentisempty.imisskate,andiimagineher

lyingonabeachinbarbadossippingacoolcocktail.iturn

ontheflat-screentelevisionsothere’snoisetofillthe

vacuumandprovidesomesemblanceofcompany,buti

don’tlistenorwatch.isitandstareblanklyatthebrick

wall.iamnumb.ifeelnothingbutthepain.howlong

mustiendurethis?

thedoorbuzzerstartlesmefrommyanguish,andmy

heartskipsabeat.whocouldthatbe?ipressthe

intercom.

“deliveryforms.steele.”abored,disembodied

voiceanswers,anddisappointmentcrashesthroughme.i

listlesslymakemywaydownstairsandfindayoungman

noisilychewinggum,holdingalargecardboardbox,and

leaningagainstthefrontdoor.isignforthepackageand

takeitupstairs.theboxishugeandsurprisinglylight.

insidearetwodozenlong-stemmed,whiterosesanda

card.

congratulationsonyourfirstdayatwork.

ihopeitwentwell.

andthankyoufortheglider.thatwasvery

thoughtful.

ithasprideofplaceonmydesk.

christian

istareatthetypedcard,thehollowinmychest

expanding.nodoub一t,hisassistantsentthis.christian

probablyhadverylittletodowithit.it’stoopainfulto

thinkabout.iexaminetheroses—theyarebeautiful,andi

can’tbringmyselftothrowtheminthetrash.dutifully,i

makemywayintothekitchentohuntdownavase.

andsoapatterndevelops:wake,work,cry,sleep.

well,trytosleep.ican’tevenescapehiminmydreams.

grayburningeyes,hislostlook,hishairburnishedand

brightallhauntme.andthemusic...somuchmusic—i

cannotbeartohearanymusic.iamcarefultoa一voiditat

allcosts.eventhejinglesincommercialsmakeme

shudder.

iha一vespokentonoone,notevenmymotherorray.i

don’tha一vethecapacityforidletalknow.no,iwantnone

ofit.iha一vebecomemyownislandstate.ara一vaged,wartorn

landwherenothinggrowsandthehorizonsarebleak.

yes,that’sme.icaninteractimpersonallyatwork,but

that’sit.ifitalktomom,iknowiwillbreakevenfurther

—andiha一venothinglefttobreak.

iamfindingitdifficulttoeat.bywednesdaylunchtime,

imanageacupofyogurt,andit’sthefirstthingi’veeaten

sincefriday.iamsurvivingonanewfoundtolerancefor

lattesanddietcoke.it’sthecaffeinethatkeepsmegoing,

butit’smakingmeanxious.

jackhasstartedtohoveroverme,irritatingme,asking

mepersonalquestions.whatdoeshewant?i’mpolite,

butineedtokeephimatarm’slength.

isitandbegintrawlingthroughapileof

correspondenceaddressedtohim,andi’mpleasedwith

thedistractionofmenialwork.mye-mailpings,andi

quicklychecktoseewhoit’sfrom.

holyshit.ane-mailfromchristian.ohno,not

here...notatwork.

from:christiangrey

subject:tomorrow

date:june8,201114:05

to:anastasiasteele

dearanastasia

forgivethisintrusionatwork.ihopethatit’sgoingwell.didyou

getmyflowers?

inotethattomorrowisthegalleryopeningforyourfriend’sshow,

andi’msureyou’venothadtimetopurchaseacar,andit’salong

drive.iwouldbemorethanhappytotakeyou—shouldyouwish.

letmeknow.

christiangrey

ceo,greyenterprisesholdingsinc.

tearsswiminmyeyes.ihastilylea一vemydeskandboltto

therestroomtoescapeintooneofthestalls.josé’sshow.

crap.i’dforgottenallaboutit,andipromisedhimi’dgo.

shit,christianisright;howamigoingtogetthere?

iclutchmyforehead.whyhasn’tjoséphoned?come

tothinkofit—whyhasn’tanyonephoned?i’vebeenso

absentminded,iha一ven’tnoticedthatmycellphonehas

beensilent.

shit!iamsuchanidiot!istillha一veitondiverttothe

blackberry.holyhell.christian’sbeengettingmycalls—

unlesshe’sjustthrowntheblackberryaway.howdidhe

getmye-mailaddress?

heknowsmyshoesize,ane-mailaddressishardly

goingtopresenthimwithmanyproblems.

caniseehimagain?couldibearit?doiwanttosee

him?iclosemyeyesandtiltmyheadbackasgriefand

longinglancethroughme.ofcourseido.

perhaps,perhapsicantellhimi’vechangedmy

mind...no,no,no.icannotbewithsomeonewhotakes

pleasureininflictingpainonme,someonewhocan’tlove

me.

torturousmemoriesflashthroughmymind—the

gliding,holdinghands,kissing,thebathtub,hisgentleness,

hishumor,andhisdark,brooding,sexystare.imisshim.

it’sbeenfivedays,fivedaysofagonythathasfeltlikean

eternity.

iwrapmyarmsaroundmybody,huggingmyself

tightly,holdingmyselftogether.imisshim.ireallymiss

him...ilovehim.simple.

icrymyselftosleepatnight,wishingihadn’twalked

out,wishingthathecouldbedifferent,wishingthatwe

weretogether.howlongwillthishideousoverwhelming

feelinglast?iaminpurgatory.

anastasiasteele,youareatwork!imustbestrong,

butiwanttogotojosé’sshow,anddeepdown,the

masochistinmewantstoseechristian.takingadeep

breath,iheadbacktomydesk.

from:anastasiasteele

subject:tomorrow

date:june8,201114:25

to:christiangrey

hichristian

thankyoufortheflowers;theyarelovely.

yes,iwouldappreciatealift.

thankyou.

anastasiasteele

assistanttojackhyde,commissioningeditor,sip

checkingmyphone,ifindthatitisstillswitchedtodivert.

jackisinameeting,soiquicklycalljosé.

“hi,josé.it’sana.”

“hello,stranger.”histoneissowarmandwelcoming

it’salmostenoughtopushmeovertheedgeagain.

“ican’ttalklong.whattimeshouldibethere

tomorrowforyourshow?”

“you’restillcoming?”hesoundsexcited.

“yes,ofcourse.”ismilemyfirstgenuinesmileinfive

daysasipicturehisbroadgrin.

“seventhirty.”

“seeyouthen.good-bye,josé.”

“bye,ana.”

from:christiangrey

subject:tomorrow

date:june8,201114:27

to:anastasiasteele

dearanastasia

whattimeshallicollectyou?

christiangrey

ceo,greyenterprisesholdingsinc.

from:anastasiasteele

subject:tomorrow

date:june8,201114:32

to:christiangrey

josé’sshowstartsat7:30.whattimewouldyousuggest?

anastasiasteele

assistanttojackhyde,commissioningeditor,sip

from:christiangrey

subject:tomorrow

date:june8,201114:34

to:anastasiasteele

dearanastasia

portlandissomedistanceaway.ishallcollectyouat5:45.

ilookforwardtoseeingyou.

christiangrey

ceo,greyenterprisesholdingsinc.

from:anastasiasteele

subject:tomorrow

date:june8,201114:38

to:christiangrey

seeyouthen.

anastasiasteele

assistanttojackhyde,commissioningeditor,sip

ohmy.i’mgoingtoseechristian,andforthefirsttimein

fivedays,myspiritsliftafractionandiallowmyselfto

wonderhowhe’sbeen.

hashemissedme?probablynotlikei’vemissedhim.

hashefoundanewsubmissivefromwherevertheycome

from?thethoughtissopainfulthatidismissit

immediately.ilookatthepileofcorrespondenceineedto

sortforjackandtackleitasitrytopushchristianoutof

mymindoncemore.

thatnightinbed,itossandturn,tryingtosleep.itis

thefirsttimeinawhileiha一ven’tcriedmyselftosleep.

inmymind’seye,ivisualizechristian’sfacethelast

timeisawhimasilefthisapartment.histortured

expressionhauntsme.irememberhedidn’twantmeto

go,whichwasodd.whywouldistaywhenthingshad

reachedsuchanimpasse?wewereeachskirtingaround

ourownissues—myfearofpunishment,hisfearof...

what?love?

turningonmyside,ihugmypillow,filledwithan

overwhelmingsadness.hethinkshedoesn’tdeservetobe

loved.whydoeshefeelthatway?isitsomethingtodo

withhisupbringing?hisbirthmom,thecrackwhore?my

thoughtsplaguemeintotheearlyhoursuntileventuallyi

fallintoafitful,exhaustedsleep.

thedaydragsanddragsandjackisunusuallyattentive.i

suspectit’skate’splumdressandtheblackhigh-heeled

bootsi’vestolenfromhercloset,butidon’tdwellonthe

thought.iresolvetogoclothesshoppingwithmyfirst

paycheck.thedressislooseronmethanitwas,buti

pretendnottonotice.

finally,it’sfivethirty,andicollectmyjacketand

purse,tryingtoquellmynerves.i’mgoingtoseehim!

“doyouha一veadatetonight?”jackasksashestrolls

pastmydeskonhiswayout.

“yes.no.notreally.”

hecocksaneyebrowatme,hisinterestclearly

piqued.“boyfriend?”

iflush.“no,afriend.anex-boyfriend.”

“maybetomorrowyou’dliketocomeforadrinkafter

work.you’vehadastellarfirstweek,ana.weshould

celebrate.”hesmilesandsomeunknownemotionflits

acrosshisface,makingmeuneasy.

puttinghishandsinhispockets,hesauntersthrough

thedoubledoors.ifrownathisretreatingback.drinks

withtheboss,isthatagoodidea?

ishakemyhead.iha一veaneveningofchristiangrey

togetthroughfirst.howamigoingtodothis?ihurryinto

therestroomtomakelast-minuteadjustments.

inthelargemirroronthewall,itakealong,hardlook

atmyface.iammyusualpaleself,darkcirclesroundmy

too-largeeyes.ilookgaunt,haunted.

jeez,iwishiknewhowtousemakeup.iapplysome

mascaraandeyelinerandpinchmycheeks,hopingto

bringsomecolortheirway.tidyingmyhairsothatithangs

artfullydownmyback,itakeadeepbreath.thiswillha一ve

todo.

nervouslyiwalkthroughthefoyerwithasmileanda

wa一vetoclaireatreception.ithinksheandicould

becomefriends.jackistalkingtoelizabethasiheadfor

thedoors.smilingbroadly,hehurriesovertoopenthem

forme.

“afteryou,ana,”hemurmurs.

“thankyou.”ismile,embarrassed.

outsideonthecurb,tayloriswaiting.heopensthe

reardoorofthecar.iglancehesitantlyatjackwhohas

followedmeout.he’slookingtowardtheaudisuvin

dismay.

iturnandclimbintotheback,andtherehesits—

christiangrey—wearinghisgraysuit,notie,hiswhite

shirtopenatthecollar.hisgrayeyesareglowing.

mymouthdries.helooksgloriousexcepthe’s

scowlingatme.ohno!

“whendidyoulasteat?”hesnapsastaylorclosesthe

doorbehindme.

crap.“hello,christian.yes,it’snicetoseeyou,too.”

“idon’twantyoursmartmouthnow.answerme.”his

eyesblaze.

holyshit.“um...ihadayogurtatlunchtime.oh—

andabanana.”

“whendidyoulastha一veapropermeal?”heasks

acidly.

taylorslipsintothedriver’sseat,startsthecar,and

pullsoutintothetraffic.

iglanceupandjackiswa一vingatme,thoughhowhe

canseemethroughthedarkglass,idon’tknow.iwa一ve

back.

“who’sthat?”christiansnaps.

“myboss.”ipeekupatthebeautifulmanbesideme,

andhismouthispressedintoahardline.

“well?yourlastmeal?”

“christian,thatreallyisnoneofyourconcern,”i

murmur,feelingextraordinarilybra一ve.

“whateveryoudoconcernsme.tellme.”

no,itdoesn’t.igroaninfrustration,rollingmyeyes

hea一venward,andchristiannarrowshiseyes.andforthe

firsttimeinalongtime,iwanttolaugh.itryhardtostifle

thegigglethatthreatenstobubbleup.christian’sface

softensasistruggletokeepastraightface,andiseea

traceofasmilekisshisbeautifullysculpturedlips.

“well?”heasks,hisvoicesofter.

“pastaallavongole,lastfriday,”iwhisper.

hecloseshiseyesasfuryandpossiblyregret,sweeps

acrosshisface.“isee,”hesays,hisvoiceexpressionless.

“youlooklikeyou’velostatleastfivepounds,possibly

moresincethen.pleaseeat,anastasia,”hescolds.

istaredownattheknottedfingersinmylap.why

doeshealwaysmakemefeellikeanerrantchild?

heshiftsandturnstowardme.“howareyou?”he

asks,hisvoicestillsoft.

well,i’mshitreally...iswallow.“ifitoldyoui

wasfine,i’dbelying.”

heinhalessharply.“me,too,”hemurmursand

reachesoverandclaspsmyhand.“imissyou,”headds.

ohno.skinagainstskin.

“christian,i—”

“ana,please.weneedtotalk.”

i’mgoingtocry.no.“christian,i...please...i’ve

criedsomuch,”iwhisper,tryingtokeepmyemotionsin

check

“oh,baby,no.”hetugsmyhand,andbeforeiknow

iti’monhislap.hehashisarmsaroundme,andhisnose

isinmyhair.“i’vemissedyousomuch,anastasia,”he

breathes.

iwanttostruggleoutofhishold,tomaintainsome

distance,buthisarmsarewrappedaroundme.he’s

pressingmetohischest.imelt.oh,thisiswhereiwantto

be.

irestmyheadagainsthim,andhekissesmyhair

repeatedly.thisishome.hesmellsoflinen,fabric

softener,bodywash,andmyfa一voritesmell—christian.

foramoment,iallowmyselftheillusionthatallwillbe

well,anditsoothesmyra一vagedsoul.

afewminuteslatertaylorpullstoastopatthecurb,

eventhoughwe’restillinthecity.

“come”—christianshiftsmeoffhislap—“we’re

here.”

what?

“helipad—onthetopofthisbuilding.”christian

glancestowardthebuildingbywayofexplanation.

ofcourse.charlietango.tayloropensthedoorandi

slideout.hegivesmeawarm,a一vuncularsmilethatmakes

mefeelsafe.ismileback.

“ishouldgiveyoubackyourhandkerchief.”

“keepit,misssteele,withmybestwishes.”

iflushaschristiancomesaroundthecarandtakesmy

hand.helooksquizzicallyattaylorwhostares

impassivelybackathim,revealingnothing.

“nine?”christiansaystohim.

“yes,sir.”

christiannodsasheturnsandleadsmethroughthe

doubledoorsintothegrandiosefoyer.irevelinthefeelof

hislargehandandhislong,skilledfingerscurledaround

mine.ifeelthefamiliarpull—iamdrawn,icarustohis

sun.iha一vebeenburnedalready,andyethereiamagain.

reachingtheelevators,hepressesthecallbutton.i

peekupathim,andhe’swearinghisenigmatichalfsmile.

asthedoorsopen,hereleasesmyhandandushersmein.

thedoorscloseandiriskasecondpeek.heglances

downatme,grayeyesalive,andit’sthereintheair

betweenus,thatelectricity.it’spalpable.icanalmost

tasteit,pulsingbetweenus,drawingustogether.

“ohmy,”igaspasibaskbrieflyintheintensityofthis

visceral,primalattraction.

“ifeelit,too,”hesays,hiseyescloudedandintense.

desirepoolsdarkanddeadlyinmygroin.heclasps

myhandandgrazesmyknuckleswithhisthumb,andall

mymusclesclenchtightly,deliciously,deepinsideme.

holycow.howcanhestilldothistome?

“pleasedon’tbiteyourlip,anastasia,”hewhispers.

igazeupathim,releasingmylip.iwanthim.here,

now,intheelevator.howcouldinot?

“youknowwhatitdoestome,”hemurmurs.

oh,istillaffecthim.myinnergoddessstirsfromher

five-daysulk.

abruptlythedoorsopen,breakingthespell,andwe’re

ontheroof.it’swindy,anddespitemyblackjacket,i’m

cold.christianputshisarmaroundme,pullingmeintohis

side,andwehurryacrosstowherecharlietangostands

inthecenterofthehelipadwithitsrotorbladesslowly

spinning.

atall,blond,square-jawedmaninadarksuitleaps

outand,duckinglow,runstowardus.shakinghandswith

christian,heshoutsabovethenoiseoftherotors.

“readytogo,sir.she’sallyours!”

“allchecksdone?”

“yes,sir.”

“you’llcollectheraroundeightthirty?”

“yes,sir.”

“taylor’swaitingforyououtfront.”

“thankyou,mr.grey.safeflighttoportland.

ma’am.”hesalutesme.withoutreleasingme,christian

nods,ducksdown,andleadsmetothehelicopterdoor.

onceinsidehebucklesmefirmlyintomyharness,

cinchingthestrapstight.hegivesmeaknowinglookand

hissecretsmile.

“thisshouldkeepyouinyourplace,”hemurmurs.“i

mustsayidolikethisharnessonyou.don’ttouch

anything.”

iflushadeepcrimson,andherunshisindexfinger

downmycheekbeforehandingmetheheadphones.i’d

liketotouchyou,too,butyouwon’tletme.iscowlat

him.besides,he’spulledthestrapssotighticanbarely

move.

hesitsinhisseatandbuckleshimselfin,thenstarts

runningthroughallhispreflightchecks.he’sjustso

competent.it’sveryalluring.heputsonhisheadphones

andflipsaswitchandtherotorsspeedup,deafeningme.

turning,hegazesatme.“ready,baby?”hisvoice

echoesthroughtheheadphones.

“yes.”

hegrinshisboyishgrin.wow—i’venotseenitforso

long.

“sea-tactower,thisischarlietango—tangoecho

hotel,clearedfortakeofftoportlandviapdx.please

confirm,over.”

thedisembodiedvoiceoftheairtrafficcontroller

answers,issuinginstructions.

“roger,tower,charlietangoset,overandout.”

christianflipstwoswitches,graspsthestick,andthe

helicopterrisesslowlyandsmoothlyintotheeveningsky.

seattleandmystomachdropawayfromus,and

there’ssomuchtosee.

“we’vechasedthedawn,anastasia,nowthedusk,”

hisvoicecomesthroughontheheadphones.iturntogape

athiminsurprise.

whatdoesthismean?howisitthathecansaythe

mostromanticthings?hesmiles,andican’thelpbutsmile

shylybackathim.

“aswellastheeveningsun,there’smoretoseethis

time,”hesays.

thelasttimeweflewtoseattleitwasdark,butthis

eveningtheviewisspectacular,literallyoutofthisworld.

we’reupamongthetallestbuildings,goinghigherand

higher.

“escala’soverthere.”hepointstowardthebuilding.

“boeingthere,andyoucanjustseethespaceneedle.”

icranemyhead.“i’veneverbeen.”

“i’lltakeyou—wecaneatthere.”

what?“christian,webrokeup.”

“iknow.icanstilltakeyouthereandfeedyou.”he

glaresatme.

ishakemyheadandflushbeforetakingaless

confrontationalapproach.“it’sverybeautifuluphere,

thankyou.”

“impressive,isn’tit?”

“impressivethatyoucandothis.”

“flatteryfromyou,misssteele?buti’mamanof

manytalents.”

“i’mfullyawareofthat,mr.grey.”