“i’mahopelessjoketellertoo,”

“thatissuchalovelysound,”hemurmurs,andheleansforwardandkissesme.

“andyouarehidingsomething,anastasia.imayha一vetotortureitoutofyou.”

iwakewithajolt.ithinki’vejustfallendownsomestairsinadream,andiboltupright,momentarilydisorientated.itisdark,andi’minchristian’sbedalone.somethinghaswokenme,somenaggingthought.iglanceoveratthealarmclockonhisbedside.itis5:00inthemorning,butifeelrested.whyisthat?oh–it’sthetimedifference–itwouldbe8:00ingeorgia.holycrap…ineedtotakemypill.iclamberoutofbed,gratefulforwhateveritisthathaswokenme.icanhearfaintnotesfromthepiano.christianisplaying.thisimustsee.ilovewatchinghimplay.naked,igrabmybathrobefromthechairandwanderquietlydownthecorridor,slippingonmyrobeandlisteningtothemagicalsoundofthemelodiclamentthat’scomingfromthegreatroom.

shroudedindarkness,christiansitsinabubbleoflightasheplays,andhishairglintswithburnishedcopperhighlights.helooksnaked,thoughiknowhe’swearinghispjbottoms.he’sconcentrating,playingbeautifully,lostinthemelancholyofthemusic.ihesitate,watchingfromtheshadows,notwantingtointerrupthim.iwanttoholdhim.helookslost,sadeven,andachinglylonely–ormaybeit’sjustthemusicthat’ssofullofpoignantsorrow.hefinishesthepiece,pausesforasplitsecond,thenstartstoplayitagain.imovecautiouslytowardhim,drawnasthemothtotheflame…theideamakesmesmile.heglancesupatmeandfrownsbeforehisgazereturnstohishands

ohcrap,ishepissedoffthatiamdisturbinghim?

“youshouldbeasleep,”hescoldsmildly.

icantellhe’spre-occupiedwithsomething.

“soshouldyou,”iretortnotquiteasmildly.

heglancesupagain,hislipstwitchingwithatraceofasmile.

“areyouscoldingme,misssteele?”

“yes,mr.grey,iam.”

“well,ican’tsleep.”hefrownsoncemoreasatraceofirritationorangerflashesacrosshisface.withme?surelynot.

iignorehisfacialexpressionandverybra一velysitdownbesidehimonthepianostool,placingmyheadonhisbareshouldertowatchhisdeft,agilefingerscaressthekeys.hepausesfractionally,andthencontinuestotheendofthepiece.

“whatwasthat?”iasksoftly.

“chopin.opus28,number4.ineminor,ifyou’reinterested,”hemurmurs.

“i’malwaysinterestedinwhatyoudo.”

heturnsandsoftlypresseshislipsagainstmyhair.

“ididn’tmeantowakeyou.”

“youdidn’t.playtheotherone.”

“otherone?”

“thebachpiecethatyouplayedthefirstnightistayed.”

“oh,themarcello.”

hestartstoplayslowlyanddeliberately.ifeelthemovementofhishandsinhisshoulderasileanagainsthimandclosemyeyes.thesad,soulfulnotesswirlslowlyandmournfullyaroundus,echoingoffthewalls.itisahauntinglybeautifulpiece,saddereventhanthechopin,andilosemyselftothebeautyofthelament.toacertainextent,itreflectshowifeel.thedeeppoignantlongingiha一vetoknowthisextraordinarymanbetter,totryandunderstandhissadness.alltoosoon,thepieceisatanend.

“whydoyouonlyplaysuchsadmusic?”

isituprightandgazeupathimasheshrugsinanswertomyquestion,hisexpressionwary.

“soyouwerejustsixwhenyoustartedtoplay?”iprompt.

henods,hiswarylookintensifying.afteramomenthevolunteers.

“ithrewmyselfintolearningthepianotopleasemynewmother.”

“tofitintotheperfectfamily?”

“yes,sotospeak,”hesaysevasively.“whyareyouawake?don’tyouneedtorecoverfromyesterday’sexertions?”

“it’s8:00inthemorningforme.andineedtotakemypill.”

heraiseshiseyebrowsinsurprise.

“wellremembered,”hemurmurs,andicantellhe’simpressed.hislipsquirkupinahalfsmile.

“onlyyouwouldstartacourseoftime-specificbirthcontrolpillsinadifferenttimezone.perhapsyoushouldwaithalfanhourandthenanotherhalfhourtomorrowmorning.soseventuallyyoucantakethematareasonabletime.”

“goodplan,”ibreathe.“sowhatshallwedoforhalfanhour?”iblinkinnocentlyathim.

“icanthinkofafewthings,”hegrins,grayeyesbright.igazebackimpassivelyasmyinsidesclenchandmeltunderhisknowinglook.

“ontheotherhand,wecouldtalk,”isuggestquietly.

hisbrowcreases.

“ipreferwhatiha一veinmind.”hescoopsmeontohislap.

“you’dalwaysratherha一vesexthantalk,”ilaugh,steadyingmyselfbyholdingontohisupperarms.

“true.especiallywithyou.”henuzzlesmyhairandstartsasteadytrailofkissesfrombelowmyeartomythroat.“maybeonmypiano,”hewhispers.

ohmy.mywholebodytightensatthethought.piano.wow.

“iwanttogetsomethingstraight,”iwhisperasmypulsestartstoaccelerate,andmyinnergoddesscloseshereyes,revelinginthefeelofhislipsonme.

hepausesmomentarilybeforecontinuinghissensualassault.

“alwayssoeagerforinformation,misssteele.whatneedsstraighteningout?”hebreathesagainstmyskinatthebaseofmyneck,continuinghissoftgentlekisses.

“us,”iwhisperasiclosemyeyes.

“hmm.whataboutus?”hepauseshistrailofkissesalongmyshoulder.

“thecontract.”

heliftshisheadtogazedownatme,ahintofamusementinhiseyes,andsighs.hestrokeshisfingertipsdownmycheek.

“well,ithinkthecontractismoot,don’tyou?”hisvoiceislowandhusky,hiseyessoft.

“moot?”

“moot.”hesmiles.igapeathimquizzically.

“butyouweresokeen.”

“well,thatwasbefore.anyway,therulesaren’tmoot,theystillstand.”hisexpressionhardensslightly.

“before?beforewhat?”

“before,”…hepauses,andthewaryexpressionisback,“more.”heshrugs.

“oh.”

“besides,we’vebeenintheplayroomtwicenow,andyouha一ven’trunscreamingforthehills.”

“doyouexpectmeto?”

“nothingyoudoisexpected,anastasia,”hesaysdryly.

“so,letmebeclear.youjustwantmetofollowtheruleselementofthecontractallthetimebutnottherestofthecontract?”

“exceptintheplayroom.iwantyoutofollowthespiritofthecontractintheplayroom,andyes,iwantyoutofollowtherules–allthetime.theniknowyou’llbesafe,andi’llbeabletoha一veyouanytimeiwish.”

“andifibreakoneoftherules?”

“theni’llpunishyou.”

“butwon’tyouneedmypermission?”

“yes,iwill.”

“andifisayno?”

hegazesatmeforamoment,withaconfusedexpression.

“ifyousayno,you’llsayno.i’llha一vetofindawaytopersuadeyou.”

ipullawayfromhimandstand.ineedsomedistance.hefrownsasistaredownathim.helookspuzzledandwaryagain.

“sothepunishmentaspectremains.”

“yes,butonlyifyoubreaktherules.”

“i’llneedtore-readthem,”isay,tryingtorecallthedetail.

“i’llfetchthemforyou.”histoneissuddenlybusinesslike.

whoa.thishasgottenserioussoquickly.herisesfromthepianoandwalkslithelytohisstudy.myscalpprickles.jeez,ineedsometea.thefutureofourso-calledrelationshipisbeingdiscussedat5:45inthemorningwhenhe’spre-occupiedwithsomethingelse–isthiswise?iheadintothekitchenwhichisstillshroudedindarkness.wherearethelightswitches?ifindthem,flickthemon,andpourwaterintothekettle.mypill!irummageinmypursethatileftonthebreakfastbarandfindthemquickly.oneswallow,andi’mdone.bythetimeifinish,christianisback,sittingononeofthebarstools,watchingmeintently.

“hereyougo.”hepushesatypedpieceofpapertowardme,andinoticethathe’scrossedsomethingsout.

rules

obedience:

thesubmissivewillobeyanyinstructionsgivenbythedominantimmediatelywithouthesitationorreservationandinanexpeditiousmanner.thesubmissivewillagreetoanysexualactivitydeemedfitandpleasurablebythedominantexceptingthoseactivitieswhichareoutlinedinhardlimits(appendixa).shewilldosoeagerlyandwithouthesitation.

sleep:

thesubmissivewillensuresheachievesaminimumofeightsevenhourssleepanightwhensheisnotwiththedominant.

food:

thesubmissivewilleatregularlytomaintainherhealthandwellbeingfromaprescribedlistoffoods(appendix4).thesubmissivewillnotsnackbetweenmeals,withtheexceptionoffruit.

clothes:

whilewiththedominant,thesubmissivewillwearclothingonlyapprovedbythedominant.thedominantwillprovideaclothingbudgetforthesubmissive,whichthesubmissiveshallutilize.thedominantshallaccompanythesubmissivetopurchaseclothingonanadhocbasis.

exercise:

thedominantshallprovidethesubmissivewithapersonaltrainerfourthreetimesaweekinhour-longsessionsattimestobemutuallyagreedbetweenthepersonaltrainerandthesubmissive.thepersonaltrainerwillreporttothedominantonthesubmissive’sprogress.

personalhygiene/beauty:

thesubmissivewillkeepherselfcleanandsha一vedand/orwaxedatalltimes.thesubmissivewillvisitabeautysalonofthedominant’schoosingattimestobedecidedbythedominant,andundergowhatevertreatmentsthedominantseesfit.

personalsafety:

thesubmissivewillnotdrinktoexcess,smoke,takerecreationaldrugsorputherselfinanyunnecessarydanger.

personalqualities:

thesubmissivewillnotenterintoanysexualrelationswithanyoneotherthanthedominant.thesubmissivewillconductherselfinarespectfulandmodestmanneratalltimes.shemustrecognizethatherbeha一viorisadirectreflectiononthedominant.sheshallbeheldaccountableforanymisdeeds,wrongdoingsandmisbeha一viorcommittedwhennotinthepresenceofthedominant.

failuretocomplywithanyoftheabovewillresultinimmediatepunishment,thenatureofwhichshallbedeterminedbythedominant.

“sotheobediencethingstillstands?”

“oh,yes.”hegrins.

ishakemyheadamused,andbeforeirealizeit,irollmyeyesathim.

“didyoujustrollyoureyesatme,anastasia?”hebreathes.

ohfuck.

“possibly,dependswhatyourreactionis.”

“sameasalways,”hesays,shakinghisheadslightly,hiseyesalightwithexcitement.

iswallowinstinctivelyandafrissonofexhilarationrunsthroughme.

“so...”holyshit.whatamigoingtodo?

“yes?”helickshislowerlip.

“youwanttospankmenow.”

“yes.andiwill.”

“oh,really,mr.grey?”ichallenge,grinningbackathim.twocanplaythisgame.

“areyougoingtostopme?”

“you’regoingtoha一vetocatchmefirst.”

hiseyeswidenafraction,andhegrins,slowlygettingtohisfeet.

“oh,really,misssteele?”

thebreakfastbarisbetweenus.iha一veneverbeensogratefulforitsexistencethaninthismoment.

“andyou’rebitingyourlip,”hebreathes,movingslowlytohisleftasimovetomine.

“youwouldn’t,”itease.“afterall,yourollyoureyes.”itryreasoningwithhim.hecontinuestomovetowardhisleft,asdoi.

“yes,butyou’vejustraisedthebarontheexcitementstakeswiththisgame.”hiseyesblaze,andwildanticipationemanatesfromhim.

“i’mquitefastyouknow.”itryfornonchalance.

“soami.”

he’sstalkingme,inhisownkitchen.

“areyougoingtocomequietly?”heasks.

“doiever?”

“misssteele,whatdoyoumean?”hesmirks.“it’llbeworseforyouifiha一vetocomeandgetyou.”

“that’sonlyifyoucatchme,christian.andrightnow,iha一venointentionoflettingyoucatchme.”

“anastasia,youmayfallandhurtyourself.whichwillputyouindirectcontra一ventionofrulenumberseven.”

“iha一vebeenindangersinceimetyou,mr.grey,rulesornorules.”

“yesyouha一ve.”hepauses,andhisbrowfurrowsslightly.

suddenly,helungesforme,makingmesquealandrunforthediningroomtable.imanagetoescape,puttingthetablebetweenus.myheartispoundingandadrenalinehasspikedthroughmybody…boy...thisissothrilling.i’machildagain,thoughthat’snotright.iwatchhimcarefullyashepacesdeliberatelytowardme.iinchaway.

“youcertainlyknowhowtodistractaman,anastasia.”

“weaimtoplease,mr.grey.distractyoufromwhat?”

“life.theuniverse.”hewa一vesoneofhishandsvaguely.

“youdidseemverypre-occupiedasyouwereplaying.”

hestopsandfoldshisarms,hisexpressionamused.

“wecandothisallday,baby,butiwillgetyou,anditwilljustbeworseforyouwhenido.”

“no,youwon’t.”imustnotbeover-confident.irepeatthisasamantra.mysubconscioushasfoundhernikes,andshe’sonthestartingblocks.

“anyonewouldthinkyoudidn’twantmetocatchyou.”

“idon’t.that’sthepoint.ifeelaboutpunishmentthewayyoufeelaboutmetouchingyou.”

hisentiredemeanorchangesinananosecond.goneisplayfulchristian,andhestandsstaringatmeasifi’dslappedhim.he’sashen.

“that’showyoufeel?”hewhispers.

thosefourwords,andthewayheuttersthem,speaksvolumes.ohno.theytellmesomuchmoreabouthimandhowhefeels.theytellmeabouthisfearandloathing.ifrown.no,idon’tfeelthatbad.noway.doi?

“no.itdoesn’taffectmequiteasmuchasthat,butitgivesyouanidea,”imurmur,staringanxiouslyathim.

“oh,”hesays.

crap.helookscompletelyandutterlylost,likei’vepulledtherugfromunderhisfeet.

takingadeepbreath,imoveroundthetableuntiliamstandinginfrontofhim,gazingintohisapprehensiveeyes.

“youhateitthatmuch?”hebreathes,hiseyesfilledwithhorror.

“well…no,”ireassurehim.jeez–that’showhefeelsaboutpeopletouchinghim?“no.ifeelambivalentaboutit.idon’tlikeit,butidon’thateit.”

“butlastnight,intheplayroom,you…”hetrailsoff.

“idoitforyou,christian,becauseyouneedit.idon’t.youdidn’thurtmelastnight.thatwasinadifferentcontext,andicanrationalizethatinternally,anditrustyou.butwhenyouwanttopunishme,iworrythatyou’llhurtme.”

hisgrayeyesblazelikeaturbulentstorm.timemoves,andexpandsandslipsawaybeforeheanswerssoftly.

“iwanttohurtyou.butnotbeyondanythingthatyoucouldn’ttake.”

fuck!

“why?”

herunshishandthroughhishair,andheshrugs.

“ijustneedit.”hepauses,gazingatmewithanguish,andhecloseshiseyesandshakeshishead.“ican’ttellyou,”hewhispers.

“can’torwon’t?”

“won’t.”

“soyouknowwhy.”

“yes.”

“butyouwon’ttellme.”

“ifido,youwillrunscreamingfromthisroom,andyou’llneverwanttoreturn.”hestaresatmewarily.“ican’triskthat,anastasia.”

“youwantmetostay.”

“morethanyouknow.icouldn’tbeartoloseyou.”

ohmy.

hegazesdownatme,andsuddenly,hepullsmeintohisarmsandhe’skissingme,kissingmepassionately.ittakesmecompletelybysurprise,andisensehispanicanddesperateneedinhiskiss.

“don’tlea一veme.yousaidyouwouldn’tlea一veme,andyoubeggedmenottolea一veyou,inyoursleep,”hemurmursagainstmylips.

oh…mynocturnalconfessions.

“idon’twanttogo.”andmyheartclenches,turningitselfinsideout.

thisisamaninneed.hisfearisnakedandobvious,buthe’slost…somewhereinhisdarkness.hiseyeswideandbleakandtortured.icansoothehim.joinhimbrieflyinthedarknessandbringhimintothelight.

“showme,”iwhisper.

“showyou?”

“showmehowmuchitcanhurt.”

“what?”

“punishme.iwanttoknowhowbaditcanget.”

christianstepsbackawayfromme,completelyconfused.

“youwouldtry?”

“yes.isaidiwould.”butiha一veanulteriormotive.ifidothisforhim,maybehewillletmetouchhim.

heblinksatme.

“ana,you’resoconfusing.”

“i’mconfusedtoo.i’mtryingtoworkthisout.andyouandiwillknow,onceandforall,ificandothis.ificanhandlethis,thenmaybeyou–”mywordsfailme,andhiseyeswidenagain.heknowsiamreferringtothetouchthing.foramoment,helookstorn,butthenasteelyresolvesettlesonhisfeatures,andhenarrowshiseyes,gazingatmespeculativelyasifweighingupalternatives.

abruptly,heclaspsmyarminafirmgripandturns,leadingmeoutofthegreatroom,upthestairs,andtotheplayroom.pleasureandpain,rewardandpunishment–hiswordsfromsolongagoechothroughmymind.

“i’llshowyouhowbaditcanbe,andyoucanmakeyourownmindup.”hepausesbythedoor.“areyoureadyforthis?”

inod,mymindmadeup,andi’mvaguelylightheaded,faintasallthebloodlea一vesmyface.

heopensthedoor,andstillgraspingmyarm,grabswhatlookslikeabeltfromtherackbesidethedoor,thenleadsmeovertotheredleatherbenchinthefarcorneroftheroom.

“bendoverthebench,”hemurmurssoftly.

okay.icandothis.ibendoverthesmoothsoftleather.he’sleftmybathrobeon.inaquietpartofmybrain,i’mvaguelysurprisedthathehasn’tmademetakeitoff.holyfuckthisisgoingtohurt…iknow.mysubconscioushaspassedout,andmyinnergoddessisendea一voringtolookbra一ve.

“we’reherebecauseyousaidyes,anastasia.andyouranfromme.iamgoingtohityousixtimes,andyouwillcountwithme.”

whythehelldoesn’thejustgetonwithit?healwaysmakessuchamealofpunishingme.irollmyeyes,knowingfullwellhecan’tseeme.

heliftsthehemofmybathrobe,andforsomereason,thisfeelsmoreintimatethanbeingnaked.hegentlycaressesmybehind,runninghiswarmhandalloverbothcheeksanddowntothetopsofmythighs.

“iamdoingthissothatyouremembernottorunfromme,andasexcitingasitis,ineverwantyoutorunfromme,”hewhispers.

andtheironyisnotlostonme.iwasrunningtoa一voidthis.ifhe’dopenedhisarms,i’druntohim,notawayfromhim.

“andyourolledyoureyesatme.youknowhowifeelaboutthat.”suddenly,it’sgone–thatnervousedgyfearinhisvoice.he’sbackfromwhereverhe’sbeen.ihearitinhistone,inthewayheplaceshisfingersonmyback,holdingme–andtheatmosphereintheroomchanges.

iclosemyeyes,bracingmyselffortheblow.itcomeshard,snappingacrossmybackside,andthebiteofthebeltiseverythingifeared.icryoutinvoluntarily,andtakeahugegulpofair.

“count,anastasia!”hecommands.

“one!”ishoutathim,anditsoundslikeanexpletive.

hehitsmeagain,andthepainpulsesandechoesalongthelineofthebelt.holyshit…thatsmarts.

“two!”iscream.itfeelssogoodtoscream.

hisbreathingisraggedandharsh.whereasmineisalmostnon-existentasidesperatelyscrabblearoundmypsychelookingforsomeinternalstrength.thebeltcutsintomyfleshagain.

“three!”tearsspringunwelcomeintomyeyes.jeez–thisisharderthanithought–somuchharderthanthespanking.he’snotholdinganythingback.

“four!”iyellasthebeltbitesmeagain,andnowthetearsarestreamingdownmyface.idon’twanttocry.itangersmethatiamcrying.hehitsmeagain.

“five.”myvoiceismoreachoked,strangledsob,andinthismoment,ithinkihatehim.onemore,icandoonemore.mybacksidefeelsasifit’sonfire.

“six,”iwhisperastheblisteringpaincutsacrossmeagain,andihearhimdropthebeltbehindme,andhe’spullingmeintohisarms,allbreathlessandcompassionate…andiwantnoneofhim.

“letgo…no...”andifindmyselfstrugglingouthisgrasp,pushinghimaway.fightinghim.

“don’ttouchme!”ihiss.istraightenandstareathim,andhe’swatchingmeasifimightbolt,grayeyeswide,bemused.idashthetearsangrilyoutofmyeyeswiththebacksofmyhands,glaringathim.

“thisiswhatyoureallylike?me,likethis?”iusethesleeveofthebathrobetowipemynose.

hegazesatmewarily.

“well,youareonefucked-upsonofabitch.”

“ana,”hepleads,shocked.

“don’tyoudare,aname!youneedtosortyourshitout,grey!”andwiththat,iturnstiffly,andiwalkoutoftheplayroom,closingthedoorquietlybehindme.

iclaspthedoorhandlebehindmeandbrieflyleanbackagainstthedoor.wheretogo?doirun?doistay?iamsomad,angryscaldingtearsspilldownmycheeks,andibrushthemfuriouslyaside.ijustwanttocurlup.curlupandrecuperateinsomeway.healmyshatteredfaith.howcouldiha一vebeensostupid?ofcourseithurts.

tentatively,irubmybackside.aah!it’ssore.wheretogo?nothisroom.myroom,ortheroomthatwillbemine,no,ismine…wasmine.thisiswhyhewantedmetokeepit.heknewiwouldneeddistancefromhim.

ilaunchmyselfstifflyinthatdirection,consciousthatchristianmayfollowme.itisstilldarkinthebedroom,dawnonlyawhisperintheskyline.iclimbawkwardlyintobed,carefulnottositonmyachingandtenderbackside.ikeepthebathrobeon,wrappingitaroundme,andcurlupandreallyletgo–sobbinghardintomypillow.

whatwasithinking?whydidilethimdothattome?iwantedthedark,toexplorehowbaditcouldbe–butit’stoodarkforme.icannotdothis.yet,thisiswhathedoes,thisishowhegetshiskicks.

whatamonumentalwake-upcall.andtobefairtohim,hewarnedmeandwarnedme,timeandagain.he’snotnormal.hehasneedsthaticannotfulfill.irealizethatnow.idon’twanthimtohitmelikethatagain,ever.ithinkofthecoupleoftimeshehashitme,andhoweasyhewasonmebycomparison.isthatenoughforhim?isobharderintothepillow.iamgoingtolosehim.hewon’twanttobewithmeifican’tgivehimthis.why,why,whyha一veifalleninlovewithfiftyshades?why?whycan’tilovejosé,orpaulclayton,orsomeonelikeme?

oh,hisdistraughtlookasileft.iwassocruel,soshockedbythesa一vagery…willheforgiveme…williforgivehim?mythoughtsareallhaywireandjumbled,echoingandbouncingofftheinsideofmyskull.mysubconsciousisshakingherheadsadly,andmyinnergoddessisnowheretobeseen.oh,thisisadarkmorningofthesoulforme.i’msoalone.iwantmymom.irememberherpartingwordsattheairport,

followyourheart,darling,andplease,please–trynottoover-thinkthings.relaxandenjoy.youaresoyoung,sweetheart,youha一vesomuchtoexperience,justletithappen.youdeservethebestofeverything.

ididfollowmyheart,andiha一veasoreassandananguished,brokenspirittoshowforit.iha一vetogo.that’sit…iha一vetolea一ve.he’snogoodforme,andiamnogoodforhim.howcanwepossiblymakethiswork?andthethoughtofnotseeinghimagainpracticallychokesme…myfiftyshades.

ihearthedoorclickopen.ohno–he’shere.heputssomethingdownonthebedsidetable,andthebedshiftsunderhisweightasheclimbsinbehindme.

“hush,”hebreathes,andiwanttopullawayfromhim,movetotheothersideofthebed,buti’mparalyzed.icannotmoveandliestiffly,notyieldingatall.“don’tfightme,ana,please,”hewhispers.gently,hepullsmeintohisarms,buryinghisnoseinmyhair,kissingmyneck.

“don’thateme,”hebreathessoftlyagainstmyskin,hisvoiceachinglysad.myheartclenchesanewandreleasesafreshwa一veofsilentsobbing.hecontinuestokissmesoftly,tenderly,butiremainaloofandwary.

welietogetherlikethis,neithersayinganythingforages.hejustholdsme,andverygradually,irelaxandstopcrying.dawncomesandgoes,andthesoftlightgetsbrighterasmorningmoveson,andstillweliequietly.

“iboughtyousomeadvilandsomearnicacream,”hesaysafteralongwhile.

iturnveryslowlyinhisarmssoicanfacehim.iamrestingmyheadonhisarm.hiseyesareflintygrayandguarded.

igazeathisbeautifulface.he’sgivingnothingaway,buthekeepshiseyesonmine,hardlyblinking.oh,heissobreathtakinglygood-looking.insuchashorttime,he’sbecomeso,sodeartome.reachingup,icaresshischeekandrunthetipsofmyfingersthroughhisstubble.hecloseshiseyesandexhalesslightly.

“i’msorry,”iwhisper.

heopenshiseyesandlooksatmepuzzled.

“whatfor?”

“whatisaid.”

“youdidn’ttellmeanythingididn’tknow.”andhiseyessoftenwithrelief.“iamsorryihurtyou.”

ishrug.

“iaskedforit.”andnowiknow.iswallow.heregoes.ineedtosaymypiece.“idon’tthinkicanbeeverythingyouwantmetobe,”iwhisper.hiseyeswidenslightly,andheblinks,hisfearfulexpressionreturning.

“youareeverythingiwantyoutobe.”

what?

“idon’tunderstand.i’mnotobedient,andyoucanbeassureashelli’mnotgoingtoletyoudothattomeagain.andthat’swhatyouneed,yousaidso.”

hecloseshiseyesagain,andicanseeamyriadofemotionscrosshisface.whenhereopensthem,hisexpressionisbleak.ohno.

“you’reright.ishouldletyougo.iamnogoodforyou.”

myscalppricklesaseverysinglehairfollicleonmybodystandstoattention,andtheworldfallsawayfromme,lea一vingawide,yawningabyssformetofallinto.ohno.

“idon’twanttogo,”iwhisper.fuck–thisisit.payorplay.tearsswiminmyeyesoncemore.

“idon’twantyoutogoeither,”hewhispers,hisvoiceraw.hereachesupandgentlystrokesmycheekandwipesawayafallingtearwithhisthumb.“i’vecomealivesinceimetyou.”histhumbtracesthecontoursofmylowerlip.

“metoo,”iwhisper,“i’vefalleninlovewithyou,christian.”

hiseyeswidenagain,butthistime,withpure,undilutedfear.

“no,”hebreathesasifi’veknockedthewindoutofhim.

ohno.

“youcan’tloveme,ana.no…that’swrong.”he’shorrified.

“wrong?why’sitwrong?”

“well,lookatyou.ican’tmakeyouhappy.”hisvoiceisanguished.

“butyoudomakemehappy.”ifrown.

“notatthemoment,notdoingwhatiwanttodo.”

holyfuck.thisreallyisit.thisiswhatitboilsdownto–incompatibility-andallthosepoorsubscometomind.

“we’llnevergetpastthat,willwe?”iwhisper,myscalppricklinginfear.

heshakeshisheadbleakly.iclosemyeyes.icannotbeartolookathim.

“well…i’dbettergo,then,”imurmur,wincingasisitup.

“no,don’tgo.”hesoundspanicked.

“there’snopointinmestaying.”suddenly,ifeeltired,reallydog-tired,andiwanttogonow.iclimboutofbed,andchristianfollows.

“i’mgoingtogetdressed.i’dlikesomeprivacy,”isay,myvoiceflatandemptyasilea一vehimstandinginthebedroom.

headingdownstairs,iglanceatthegreatroom,thinkinghowonlyhoursbeforeihadrestedmyheadonhisshoulderasheplayedthepiano.somuchhashappenedsincethen.iha一vehadmyeyesopenedandglimpsedtheextentofhisdepra一vity,andinowknowhe’snotcapableoflove–ofgivingorreceivinglove.myworstfearsha一vebeenrealized.andstrangely,it’sveryliberating.

thepainissuchthatirefusetoacknowledgeit.ifeelnumb.iha一vesomehowescapedfrommybodyandamnowacasualobservertothisunfoldingtragedy.ishowerquicklyandmethodically,thinkingonlyofeachsecondinfrontofme.nowsqueezebodywashbottle.putbodywashbottlebackinrack.rubclothonface,onshoulders…onandon,allsimple,mechanicalactions,requiringsimplemechanicalthoughts.

ifinishmyshower–andasiha一ven’twashedmyhair,icandrymyselfquickly.idressinthebathroom,takingmyjeansandt-shirtoutofmysmallsuitcase.myjeanschafeagainstmybackside,butquitefrankly,it’sapainiwelcomeasitdistractsmymindfromwhat’shappeningtomysplintering,shatteredheart.

istooptoshutmysuitcase,andthebagholdingchristian’sgiftcatchesmyeye,amodelingkitforablahnikl23glider,somethingforhimtobuild.tearsthreaten.ohno…happiertimes,whentherewashopeofmore.itakeitoutofthecase,knowingthatineed

togiveittohim.quickly,iripasmallpieceofpaperfrommynotebook,hastilyscribbleanoteforhim,andlea一veitontopofthebox.

igazeatmyselfinthemirror.apaleandhauntedghoststaresbackatme.iscoopmyhairintoaponytailandignorehowswollenmyeyelidsarefromthecrying.mysubconsciousnodswithapproval.evensheknowsnottobesnarkyrightnow.icannotbelievethatmyworldiscrumblingaroundmeintoasterilepileofashes,allmyhopesanddreamscruellydashed.no,nodon’tthinkaboutit.notnow,notyet.takingadeepbreath,ipickupmycase,andafterplacingthegliderkitandmynoteonhispillow,iheadforthegreatroom.

christianisonthephone.he’sdressedinblackjeansandt-shirt.hisfeetarebare.

“hesaidwhat!”heshouts,makingmejump.“well,hecouldha一vetoldusthefuckingtruth.what’shisnumber,ineedtocallhim…welch,thisisarealfuck-up.”heglancesupanddoesn’ttakehisdarkandbroodingeyesoffme.“findher,”hesnapsandpressestheoffswitch.

iwalkovertothecouchandcollectmybackpack,doingmybesttoignorehim.itakethemacoutofitandwalkbacktowardthekitchen,placingitcarefullyonthebreakfastbar,alongwiththeblackberryandthecarkey.wheniturntofacehim,he’sstaringatme,stupefiedwithhorror.

“ineedthemoneythattaylorgotformybeetle.”myvoiceisclearandcalm,devoidofemotion…extraordinary.

“ana,idon’twantthosethings,they’reyours,”hesaysindisbelief.“please,takethem.”

“nochristian–ionlyacceptedthemundersufferance–andidon’twantthemanymore.”

“ana,bereasonable,”hescoldsme,evennow.

“idon’twantanythingthatwillremindmeofyou.ijustneedthemoneythattaylorgotformycar.”myvoiceisquitemonotone.

hegasps.

“areyoureallytryingtowoundme?”

“no.”ifrownstaringathim.ofcoursenot…iloveyou.“i’mnot.i’mtryingtoprotectmyself,”iwhisper.becauseyoudon’twantmethewayiwantyou.

“please,ana,takethatstuff.”

“christian,idon’twanttofight–ijustneedthemoney.”

henarrowshiseyes,buti’mnolongerintimidatedbyhim.well,onlyalittle.igazeimpassivelyback,notblinkingorbackingdown.

“willyoutakeacheck?”hesaysacidly.

“yes.ithinkyou’regoodforit.”

hedoesn’tsmile,hejustturnsonhisheelandstalksintohisstudy.itakealastlingeringlookaroundhisapartment–attheartonthewalls–allabstracts,serene,cool…cold,even.fitting,ithinkabsently.myeyesstraytothepiano.jeez–ifi’dkeptmymouthshut,we’dha一vemadeloveonthepiano.no,fucked,wewouldha一vefuckedonthepiano.well,iwouldha一vemadelove.thethoughtlieshea一vyandsadinmymind.hehasnevermadelovetome,hashe?it’salwaysbeenfuckingtohim.

christianreturnsandhandsmeanenvelope.

“taylorgotagoodprice.it’saclassiccar.youcanaskhim.he’lltakeyouhome.”henodsinthedirectionovermyshoulder.iturn,andtaylorisstandinginthedoorway,wearinghissuit,asimpeccableasever.

“that’sfine,icangetmyselfhome,thankyou.”

iturntostareatchristian,andiseethebarely-containedfuryinhiseyes.

“areyougoingtodefymeateveryturn?”

“whychangeahabitofalifetime?”igivehimasmall,apologeticshrug.

hecloseshiseyesinfrustrationandrunshishandthroughhishair.

“please,ana,lettaylortakeyouhome.”

“i’llgetthecar,misssteele,”taylorannouncesauthoritatively.christiannodsathim,andwheniglancearound,taylorhasgone.

iturnbacktofacechristian.wearefourfeetapart.hestepsforward,andinstinctivelyistepback.hestops,andtheanguishinhisexpressionispalpable,hisgrayeyesburning.

“idon’twantyoutogo,”hemurmurs,hisvoicefulloflonging.

“ican’tstay.iknowwhatiwantandyoucan’tgiveittome,andican’tgiveyouwhatyouneed.”

hetakesanotherstepforward,andiholdupmyhands.

“don’t,please.”irecoilfromhim.there’snowayicantoleratehistouchnow,itwillslayme.“ican’tdothis.”

grabbingmysuitcaseandmybackpack,iheadforthefoyer.hefollowsme,keepingacarefuldistance.hepressestheelevatorbutton,andthedoorsopen.iclimbin.

“goodbye,christian,”imurmur.

“ana,goodbye,”hesayssoftly,andhelooksutterly,utterlybroken,amaninagonizingpain,reflectinghowifeelinside.itearmygazeawayfromhimbeforeichangemymindandtrytocomforthim.

theelevatordoorsclose,anditwhisksmedowntothebowelsofthebasementandtomyownpersonalhell.

taylorholdsthedooropenforme,andiclimbintothebackofthecar.ia一voideyecontact.embarrassmentandshamewashesoverme.i’macompletefailure.ihadhopedtodrag

myfiftyshadesintothelight,butit’sprovedataskbeyondmymeagerabilities.desperately,itrytokeepmyemotionsbankedandatbay.asweheadoutonto4thavenue,istareblanklyoutofthewindow,andtheenormityofwhati’vedoneslowlywashesoverme.shit–i’velefthim.theonlymani’veeverloved.theonlymani’veeversleptwith.igasp,andtheleveesburst.tearscourseunbiddenandunwelcomedownmycheeks,andiwipethemawayhurriedlywithmyfingers,scramblinginmybagformysunglasses.aswepauseatsometrafficlights,taylorholdsoutalinenhandkerchiefforme.hesaysnothinganddoesn’tlookinmydirection,anditakeitwithgratitude.

“thankyou,”imutter,andthissmalldiscreetactofkindnessismyundoing.isitbackintheluxuriousleatherseatsandweep.

theapartmentisachinglyemptyandunfamiliar.iha一venotlivedherelongenoughforittofeellikehome.iheadstraighttomyroom,andthere,hanginglimplyattheendofmybed,isaverysad,deflatedhelicopterballoon.charlietango,lookingandfeelingexactlylikeme.igrabitangrilyoffmybedrail,snappingthetie,andhugittome.oh–whatha一veidone?

ifallontomybed,shoesandall,andhowl.thepainisindescribable…physical,mental…metaphysical…itiseverywhere,seepingintothemarrowofmybones.grief.thisisgrief–andi’vebroughtitonmyself.deepdown,anasty,unbiddenthoughtcomesfrommyinnergoddess,herlipcurledinasnarl…thephysicalpainfromthebiteofabeltisnothing,nothingcomparedtothisdevastation.icurlup,desperatelyclutchingtheflatfoilballoonandtaylor’shandkerchief,andsurrendermyselftomygrief.

endofpartone