mybreathingchanges,becomingshallow,rushed,fullofexpectation.hisfingersareatmyzipper.achinglyslow,oncemoreheeasesitdownwhilehislipsmove,lickingandkissingandsuckingtheirwayacrosstomyothershoulder.heissotantalizinglygoodatthis.mybodyresonates,andistarttosquirmlanguidlybeneathhistouch.

“you.are.going.to.ha一ve.to.learn.to.keep.still,”hewhispers,kissingmearoundmynapebetweeneachword.

hetugsatthefasteningatthehalterneck,andthedressdropsandpoolsatmyfeet.

“nobra,misssteele.ilikethat.”

hishandsreachroundandcupmybreasts,andmynipplespuckerathistouch.

“liftyourarmsandputthemaroundmyhead,”hemurmursagainstmyneck.

iobeyimmediately,andmybreastsriseandpushintohishands,mynippleshardeningfurther.myfingerswea一veintohishair,andverygentlyitughissoft,sexyhair.irollmyheadtoonesidetogivehimeasieraccesstomyneck.

“mmm…”hemurmursintothatspacebehindmyear,ashestartstoextendmynippleswithhislongfingers,mirroringmyhandsinhishair.

igroanasthesensationregisterssharpandclearinmygroin.

“shallimakeyoucomethisway?”hewhispers.

iarchmybacktoforcemybreastsintohisexperthands.

“youlikethis,don’tyou,misssteele?”

“mmm…”

“tellme.”hecontinuestheslowsensuoustorture,pullinggently.

“yes.”

“yes,what.”

“yes…sir.”

“goodgirl.”hepinchesmehard,andmybodywrithesconvulsivelyagainsthisfront.

igaspattheexquisite,acute,pleasure/pain.ifeelhimagainstme.imoanandmyhandsclenchinhishairpullingharder.

“idon’tthinkyou’rereadytocomeyet,”hewhispers,stillinghishands,andhegentlybitesmyearlobeandtugsatit.“besides,youha一vedispleasedme.”

oh…no,whatwillthismean?mybrainregistersthroughthefogofneedydesireasigroan.

“soperhapsiwon’tletyoucomeafterall.”hereturnstheattentionofhisfingerstomynipples,pulling,twisting,kneading.igrindmybehindagainsthim…movingsidetoside.

ifeelhisgrinagainstmyneckashishandsmovedowntomyhips.hisfingershookintomypantiesattheback,stretchingthem,andhepusheshisthumbsthroughthematerial,shreddingthemandtossingtheminfrontofmesoicansee…holyshit.hishandsmovedowntomysex…andfrombehind,heslowlyinsertshisfinger.

“oh,yes.mysweetgirlisallready,”hebreathesashewhirlsmeroundsoi’mfacinghim.hisbreathinghasquickened.heputshisfingerinhismouth.“youtastesofine,misssteele.”hesighs.“undressme,”hecommandsquietly,staringdownatme,eyeshooded.

alli’mwearingismyshoes,well,kate’shigh-heeledpumps.i’mtakenaback.i’veneverundressedaman.

“youcandoit,”hecajolessoftly.

ohmy.iblinkrapidly.wheretostart?ireachforhist-shirt,andhegrabsmyhandsandshakeshishead,smilingslylyatme.

“ohno.”heshakeshishead,grinning.“notthet-shirt,youmayneedtotouchmeforwhatiha一veplanned.”hiseyesarealivewithexcitement.

oh…thisisnews…icantouchwithclothes.hetakesoneofmyhandsandplacesitagainsthiserection.

“thisistheeffectyouha一veonme,misssteele.”

igaspandflexmyfingersaroundhisgirth,andhegrins.

“iwanttobeinsideyou.takemyjeansoff.you’reincharge.”

holyfuck…meincharge.mymouthdropsopen.

“whatareyougoingtodowithme?”heteases.

ohthepossibilities…myinnergoddessroars,andfromsomewherebornoffrustration,need,andsheersteelebra一very,ipushhimontothebed.helaughsashefalls,andigazedownathimfeelingvictorious.myinnergoddessisgoingtoexplode.iyankoffhisshoes,quickly,clumsily,andhissocks.he’sstaringupatme,hiseyesluminouswithamusementanddesire.helooks…glorious…mine.icrawlupthebedandsitastridehimtoundohisjeans,slidingmyfingersunderthewaistband,feelingthehairinhisohsohappytrail.hecloseshiseyesandflexeshiships.

“you’llha一vetolearntokeepstill,”iscold,anditugatthehairunderhiswaistband.

hisbreathhitches,andhegrinsatme.

“yes,misssteele,”hemurmurs,eyesburningbright.“inmypocket,condom,”hebreathes.

isearchinhispocketslowly,watchinghisfaceasifeelaround.hismouthisopen.ifishoutbothfoilpacketsthatifindandlaythemonthebedbyhiships.two!myover-eagerfingersreachforthebuttonofhiswaistbandandundoit,fumblingalittle.iambeyondexcited.

“soeager,misssteele,”hemurmurs,hisvoicelacedwithhumor.itugdownthezipper,andnowi’mfacedwiththeproblemofremovinghispants…hmm.ishuffledownandpull.theyhardlymove.ifrown.howcanthisbesodifficult?

“ican’tkeepstillifyou’regoingtobitethatlip,”hewarns,thenarcheshispelvisupoffthebedsoi’mabletotugdownhistrousersandhisboxersatthesametime,whoa…freeinghim.hekickshisclothestothefloor.

holymoses,he’sallminetoplaywith,andsuddenlyit’schristmas.

“nowwhatareyougoingtodo?”hebreathes,alltraceofhumorgone.ireachupandtouchhim,watchinghisexpressionasido.hismouthshapeslikealetteroashetakesasharpbreath.hisskinissosmoothandsoft…andhard…hmm,whatadeliciouscombination.ileanforward,myhairfallingaroundme,andhe’sinmymouth.isuck,hard.hecloseshiseyes,hishipsjerkingbeneathme.

“jeez,ana,steady,”hegroans.

ifeelsopowerful,it’ssuchaheadyfeeling,teasingandtestinghimwithmymouthandtongue.hetensesunderneathmeasirunmymouthupanddownhim,pushinghimtothebackofmythroat,mylipstight…againandagain.

“stop,ana,stop.idon’twanttocome.”

isitup,blinkingathim,andi’mpantinglikehim,butconfused.ithoughtiwasincharge?myinnergoddesslookslikesomeonesnatchedhericecream.

“you’reinnocenceandenthusiasmisverydisarming,”hegasps.“you,ontop…that’swhatweneedtodo.”

oh.

“here,putthison.”hehandsmeafoilpacket.

holycrap.how?iripthepacketopen,andtherubberycondomisalltackyinmyfingers.

“pinchthetopandthenrollitdown.youdon’twantanyairintheendofthatsucker,”hepants.

andveryslowly,concentratinghard,idoasi’mtold.

“christ,you’rekillingmehere,anastasia,”hegroans.

iadmiremyhandiworkandhim.hereallyisafinespecimenofaman,lookingathimisvery,veryarousing.

“now.iwanttobeburiedinsideyou,”hemurmurs.istaredownathim,daunted,andhesitsupsuddenly,sowe’renosetonose.

“likethis,”hebreathes,andhesnakesonehandroundmyhips,liftingmeslightly,andwiththeotherhepositionshimselfbeneathme,andveryslowly,easesmeontohim.

igroanashestretchesmeopen,fillingme,mymouthhangingopeninsurpriseatthesweet,sublime,agonizing,over-fullfeeling.oh…please.

“that’sright,baby,feelme,allofme,”hegrowlsandbrieflycloseshiseyes.

andhe’sinsideme,sheathedtothehilt,andheholdsmeinplace,forseconds…minutes…iha一venoidea,,staringintentlyintomyeyes.

“it’sdeepthisway,”hemurmurs.heflexesandswivelshishipsinthesamemotion,andigroan…ohmy–thesensationradiatesthroughoutmybelly…everywhere.fuck!

“again,”iwhisper.hegrinsalazygrinandobliges.

moaning,ithrowmyheadback,myhairtumblingdownmyback,andveryslowly,hesinksbackdownontothebed.

“youmove,anastasia,upanddown,howyouwant.takemyhands,”hebreathes,hisvoicehoarseandlowandohsosexy.

iclasphishands,holdingonforlife.gentlyipushoffhimandbackdown,ohmy.hiseyesareburningwithwildanticipation.hisbreathingisragged,matchingmine,andheliftshispelvisasicomedown,bouncingmebackup.wepickuptherhythm…up,down,up,down…overandover…anditfeelsso…good.betweenmypantingbreaths,thedeepdown,brimmingfullness…thevehementsensationpulsingthroughmethat’sbuildingquickly,iwatchhim,oureyeslocked…andiseewonderthere,wonderatme.

iamfuckinghim.iamincharge.he’smine,andi’mhis.thethoughtpushesme,weightedwithconcrete,overtheedge,andiclimaxaroundhim…shoutingincoherently.hegrabsmyhips,andclosinghiseyes,tippinghisheadback,hisjawstrained,hecomesquietly.icollapseontohischest,overwhelmed,somewherebetweenfantasyandreality,aplacewheretherearenohardorsoftlimits.

slowlytheoutsideworldinvadesmysenses,andohmy,whataninvasion.iamfloating,mylimbssoftandlanguid,utterlyspent.i’mlyingontopofhim,myheadonhischest,andhesmellspine:fresh,launderedlinenandsomeexpensivebodywash,andthebest,mostseductivescentontheplanet…christian.idon’twanttomove,iwanttobreathethiselixirforeternity.inuzzlehim,wishingididn’tha一vethebarrierofhist-shirt.andasrhymeandreasonreturntotherestofmybody,istretchmyhandoutonhischest.thisisthefirsttimei’vetouchedhimhere.he’sfirm…strong.hishandswoopsupandgrabsmine,buthesoftenstheblowbypullingittohismouthandsweetlykissingmyknuckles.herollsoversohe’sgazingdownatme.

“don’t,”hemurmurs,thenkissesmelightly.

“whydon’tyouliketobetouched?”iwhisper,staringupintosoftgrayeyes.

“becausei’mfiftyshadesoffucked-up,anastasia.”

oh…hishonestyiscompletelydisarming.iblinkupathim.

“ihadaverytoughintroductiontolife.idon’twanttoburdenyouwiththedetails.justdon’t.”hestrokeshisnoseagainstmine,andthenhepullsoutofmeandsitsup.

“ithinkthat’salltheverybasicscovered.howwasthat?”

helooksthoroughlypleasedwithhimselfandsoundsverymatter-of-factatthesametime,likehe’sjustmarkedanothertickboxinachecklist.i’mstillreelingfromthetoughintroductiontolifecomment.it’ssofrustrating–iamdesperatetoknowmore.buthe

won’ttellme.icockmyheadtooneside,likehedoes,andmakeanenormousefforttosmileathim.

“ifyouimagineforoneminutethatithinkyoucededcontroltome,wellyouha一ven’ttakenintoaccountmygpa.”ismileshylyathim.“butthankyoufortheillusion.”

“misssteele,youarenotjustaprettyface.you’vehadsixorgasmssofarandallofthembelongtome,”heboasts,playfulagain.

iflushandblinkatthesametime,ashestaresdownatme.he’skeepingcount!hisbrowfurrows.

“doyouha一vesomethingtotellme?”hisvoiceissuddenlystern.

ifrown.crap.

“ihadadreamthismorning.”

“oh?”heglaresatme.

doublecrap.amiintrouble?

“icameinmysleep.”ithrowmyarmovermyeyes.hesaysnothing.ipeekupathimfromundermyarm,andhelooksamused.

“inyoursleep?”

“wokemeup.”

“i’msureitdid.whatwereyoudreamingabout?”

crap.

“you.”

“whatwasidoing?”

ithrowmyarmovermyeyesagain.andlikeasmallchild,ibrieflyentertainthethoughtthatifican’tseehim,thenhecan’tseeme.

“anastasia,whatwasidoing?iwon’taskyouagain.”

“youhadaridingcrop.”

hemovesmyarm.

“really?”

“yes.”iamcrimson.

“there’shopeforyouyet,”hemurmurs.“iha一veseveralridingcrops.”

“brownplaitedleather?”

helaughs.

“no,buti’msureicouldgetone.”hisgrayeyesblazewithexcitement.

leaningdown,hegivesmeabriefkissthenstandsandgrabshisboxers,ohno…he’sgoing.iglancequicklyatthetime–it’sonlynine-forty.iscootoutofbedtooandgrabmysweatpantsandacamitop,thensitbackonthebed,cross-legged,watchinghim.idon’twanthimtogo.whatcanido?

“whenisyourperioddue?”heinterruptsmythoughts.

what!

“ihatewearingthesethings,”hegrumbles.heholdsupthecondom,thenputsitonthefloor,andslipsonhisjeans.

“well?”hepromptswhenidon’treply,andhelooksatmeexpectantlyasifhe’swaitingformyopinionontheweather.holycrap…thisispersonalstuff.

“nextweek.”istaredownatmyhands.

“youneedtosortoutsomecontraception.”

heissobossy.istareathimblankly.hesitsbackonthebedasheputsonhisshoesandsocks.

“doyouha一veadoctor?”

ishakemyhead.wearebacktomergersandacquisitions–another180-degreemoodswing.

hefrowns.

“icanha一veminecomeandseeyouatyourapartment–sundaymorningbeforeyoucomeandseeme.orhecanseeyouatmyplace.whichwouldyouprefer?”

nopressurethen.somethingelsethathe’spayingfor…butactuallythisisforhisbenefit.

“yourplace.”thatmeansiamguaranteedtoseehimsunday.

“okay.i’llletyouknowthetime.”

“areyoulea一ving?”

don’tgo…staywithmeplease.

“yes.”

why?

“howareyougettingback?”iwhisper.

“taylorwillpickmeup.”

“icandriveyou.iha一vealovelynewcar.”

hegazesatme,hisexpressionwarm.

“that’smorelikeit.butithinkyou’vehadtoomuchtodrink.”

“didyougetmetipsyonpurpose?”

“yes.”

“why?”

“becauseyouover-thinkeverything,andyou’rereticentlikeyourstepdad.adropofwineinyouandyoustarttalking,andineedyoutocommunicatehonestlywithme.otherwiseyouclamup,andiha一venoideawhatyou’rethinking.invinoveritas,anastasia.”

“andyouthinkyou’realwayshonestwithme?”

“iendea一vortobe.”helooksdownatmewarily.“thiswillonlyworkifwe’rehonestwitheachother.”

“i’dlikeyoutostayandusethis.”iholdupthesecondcondom.

hesmilesandhiseyesglowwithhumor.

“anastasia,iha一vecrossedsomanylinesheretonight.iha一vetogo.i’llseeyouonsunday.i’llha一vetherevisedcontractreadyforyou,andthenwecanreallystarttoplay.”

“play?”holyshit.myheartleapsintomymouth.

“i’dliketodoascenewithyou.butiwon’tuntilyou’vesigned,soiknowyou’reready.”

“oh.soicouldstretchthisout,ifidon’tsign?”

hegazesatmeassessing,andthenhislipstwitchintoasmile.

“well,isupposeyoucould,butimaycrackunderthestrain.”

“crack?how?”myinnergoddesshaswokenandispayingattention.

henodsslowly,andthenhegrins,teasing.

“couldgetreallyugly.”

hisgrinisinfectious.

“ugly,how?”

“ohyouknow,explosions,carchases,kidnapping,incarceration.”

“you’dkidnapme?”

“ohyes,”hegrins.

“holdmeagainstmywill?”jeezthisishot.

“ohyes,”henods.“andthenwe’retalkingtpe24/7.”

“you’velostme,”ibreathe,myheartispounding…isheserious?

“totalpowerexchange–roundtheclock.”hiseyesareshining,andicanfeelhisexcitementfromwhereisit.

holyshit.

“soyouha一venochoice,”hesayssardonically.

“clearly.”ican’tkeepthesarcasmoutofmyvoiceasmyeyesreachforthehea一vens.

“oh,anastasiasteele,didyoujustrollyoureyesatme?”

crap.

“no,”isqueak.

“ithinkyoudid.whatdidisayi’ddotoyouifyourolledyoureyesatmeagain?”

shit.hesitsdownontheedgeofthebed.

“comehere,”hesayssoftly.

iblanch.jeez…he’sserious.isitstaringathimcompletelyimmobile.

“iha一ven’tsigned,”iwhisper.

“itoldyouwhati’ddo.i’mamanofmyword.i’mgoingtospankyou,andtheni’mgoingtofuckyouveryquickandveryhard.lookslikewe’llneedthatcondomafterall.”

hisvoiceissosoft,menacing,andit’sdamnedhot.myinsidespracticallycontortwithpotent,needy,liquid,desire.hegazesatme,waiting,eyesblazing.tentatively,iuncurlmylegs.shouldirun?thisisit,ourrelationshiphangsinthebalance,righthere,rightnow.doilethimdothisordoisayno,andthenthat’sit?becauseiknowitwillbeoverifisayno.doit!myinnergoddesspleadswithme,mysubconsciousisasparalyzedasiam.

“i’mwaiting,”hesays.“i’mnotapatientman.”

ohfortheloveofallthat’sholy.i’mpanting,afraid,turnedon.bloodpoundingthroughmybody,mylegsarelikejelly.slowly,icrawlovertohimuntiliambesidehim.

“goodgirl,”hemurmurs.“nowstandup.”

ohshit…can’thejustgetthisoverwith?i’mnotsureificanstand.hesitantly,iclambertomyfeet.heholdshishandout,andiplacethecondominhispalm.suddenlyhegrabsme,tippingmeacrosshislap.withonesmoothmovement,heangleshisbodysomytorsoisrestingonthebedbesidehim.hethrowshisrightlegoverbothofmineandplantshisleftforearmonthesmallofmyback,holdingmedownsoicannotmove.ohfuck.

“putyourhandsuponeithersideofyourhead,”heorders.

iobeyimmediately.

“whyamidoingthis,anastasia?”heasks.

“becauseirolledmyeyesatyou,”icanbarelyspeak.

“doyouthinkthat’spolite?”

“no.”

“willyoudoitagain?”

“no.”

“iwillspankyoueachtimeyoudoit,doyouunderstand?”

veryslowly,hepullsdownmysweatpants.oh,howdemeaningisthis,demeaningandscaryandhot.he’smakingsuchamealofthis.myheartisinmymouth.icanbarelybreathe.shit,isthisgoingtohurt?

heplaceshishandonmynakedbehind,softlyfondlingme,strokingroundandroundwithhisflatpalm.andthenhishandisnolongerthere…andhehitsme–hard.ow!myeyesspringopeninresponsetothepain,anditrytorise,buthishandmovesbetweenmyshoulderbladeskeepingmedown.hecaressesmeagainwherehe’shitme,andhisbreathing’schanged–it’slouder,harsher.hehitsmeagainandagain,quicklyinsuccession.holyfuckithurts.imakenosound,myfacescrewedupagainstthepain.itryandwriggleawayfromtheblows–spurredonbyadrenalinespikingandcoursingthroughmybody.

“keepstill,”hegrowls.“ori’llspankyouforlonger.”

he’srubbingmenow,andtheblowfollows.arhythmicpatternemerges,caress,fondle,slaphard.iha一vetoconcentratetohandlethispain.mymindemptiesasiendea一vortoabsorbthegruelingsensation.hedoesn’thitmeinthesameplacetwiceinsuccession–he’sspreadingthepain.

“aargh!”icryoutonthetenthslap–andi’munawarethatiha一vebeenmentallycountingtheblows.

“i’mjustgettingwarmedup.”

hehitsmeagainthenhestrokesmesoftly.thecombinationofthehardstingingblowandhisgentlecaressissomindnumbing.hehitsmeagain…thisisgettinghardertotake.myfacehurts,it’sscrewedupsotight.hestrokesmegentlyandthentheblowcomes.icryoutagain.

“noonetohearyou,baby,justme.”

andhehitsmeagainandagain.fromsomewheredeepinside,iwanttobeghimtostop.butidon’t.idon’twanttogivehimthesatisfaction.hecontinuestheunrelentingrhythm.icryoutsixmoretimes.eighteenslapsintotal.mybodyissinging,singingfromhismercilessassault.

“enough,”hebreatheshoarsely.“welldone,anastasia.nowi’mgoingtofuckyou.”

hecaressesmybehindgently,anditburnsashestrokesmeroundandroundanddown.suddenly,heinsertstwofingersinsideme,takingmecompletelybysurprise.igasp,thisnewassaultbreakingthroughthenumbnessaroundmybrain.

“feelthis.seehowmuchyourbodylikesthis,anastasia.you’resoakingjustforme.”thereisaweinhisvoice.hemoveshisfingers,inandoutinquicksuccession.

igroan,nosurelynot,andthenhisfingersaregone…andi’mleftwanting.

“nexttime,iwillgetyoutocount.nowwhere’sthatcondom?”

hereachesbesidehimforthecondomandliftsmegently,pushingmefacedownontothebed.ihearthesoundofhiszipperandtheripofthefoil.hedragsmysweatpantsoffandthenguidesmeintoakneelingposition,gentlycaressingmynowverysorebehind.

“i’mgoingtotakeyounow.youcancome,”hemurmurs.

what?likeiha一veachoice.

andhe’sinsideme,quicklyfillingme,imoanloudly.hemoves,poundingintome,afast,intensepaceagainstmysorebehind.thefeelingisbeyondexquisite,rawanddebasingandmindblowing.mysensesarera一vaged,disconnected,solelyconcentratingonwhathe’sdoingtome.howhe’smakingmefeel,thatfamiliarpulldeepinmybelly,tightening,quickening.no…andmytraitorousbodyexplodesinanintense,body-shatteringorgasm.

“oh,ana!”hecriesoutloudlyashefindshisrelease,holdingmeinplaceashepourshimselfintome.hecollapses,pantinghardbesideme,andhepullsmeontopofhimandburieshisfaceinmyhair,holdingmeclose.

“oh,baby,”hebreathes.“welcometomyworld.”

weliethere,pantingtogether,waitingforourbreathingtoslow.hegentlystrokesmyhair.i’monhischestagain.butthistime,idon’tha一vethestrengthtoliftmyhandandfeelhim.boy…isurvived.thatwasn’tsobad.i’mmorestoicthanithought.myinnergoddessisprostrate…wellatleastshe’squiet.christiannuzzlesmyhairagain,inhalingdeeply.

“welldone,baby,”hewhispers,quietjoyinhisvoice.hiswordscurlaroundmelikeasoftfluffytowelfromtheheathmanhotel,andi’msopleasedthathe’shappy.

hepicksatthestraponmycamisole.

“isthiswhatyousleepin?”heasksgently.

“yes,”ibreathesleepily.

“youshouldbeinsilksandsatins,youbeautifulgirl.i’lltakeyoushopping.”

“ilikemysweats,”imurmur,tryingandfailingtosoundirritated.

hekissesmyheadagain.

“we’llsee,”hesays.

welieforafewmoreminutes,hours,whoknows,andithinkidoze.

“iha一vetogo,”hesays,andleaningdown,hekissesmyforeheadgently.“areyouokay?”hisvoiceissoft.

ithinkabouthisquestion.mybacksideissore.well,glowingnow,andamazinglyifeel,apartfromexhausted,radiant.therealizationishumbling,unexpected.idon’tunderstand.holyshit.

“i’mokay,”iwhisper.idon’twanttosaymorethanthat.

herises.

“where’syourbathroom?”

“alongthecorridortotheleft.”

hescoopsuptheothercondomandheadsoutofthebedroom.irisestifflyandputmysweatpantsbackon.theychafealittleagainstmystill-smartingbehind.i’msoconfusedbymyreaction.irememberhimsaying–ican’trememberwhen–thatiwouldfeelsomuchbetterafteragoodhiding.howcanthatbeso?ireallydon’tgetit.butstrangely,ido.ican’tsaythatienjoyedtheexperience,infact,iwouldstillgoalongwaytoa一voidit,butnow…iha一vethissafe,weird,bathedinafterglow,satedfeeling.iputmyheadinmyhands.ijustdon’tunderstand.

christianre-enterstheroom.ican’tlookhimintheeye.istaredownatmyhands.

“ifoundsomebabyoil.letmerubitintoyourbehind.”

what?

“no.i’llbefine.”

“anastasia,”hewarns,andiwanttorollmyeyesbutquicklystopmyself.istandfacingthebed.sittingbesideme,hegentlypullsmysweatpantsdownagain.upanddownlikewhores’drawersmysubconsciousremarksbitterly.inmyhead,itellherwheretogo.christiansquirtsbabyoilintohishandandthenrubsmybehindwithcarefultenderness–frommakeupremovertosmoothingbalmforaspankedass,whowouldha一vethoughtitwassuchaversatileliquid.

“ilikemyhandsonyou,”hemurmurs,andiha一vetoagree,metoo.

“there,”hesayswhenhe’sfinished,andhepullsmypantsupagain.

iglanceoveratmyclock.it’sten-thirty.

“i’mlea一vingnow.”

“i’llseeyouout.”istillcan’tlookathim.

takingmyhand,heleadsmetothefrontdoor.fortunately,kateisstillnothome.shemuststillbeha一vingdinnerwithherfolksandethan.i’mreallygladshe’snotbeenaroundtohearmychastisement.

“don’tyouha一vetocalltaylor?”iask,a一voidingeyecontact.

“taylor’sbeenheresincenine.lookatme,”hebreathes.

istruggletomeethiseyes,butwhenido,he’sgazingdownatmewithwonder.

“youdidn’tcry,”hemurmurs,thengrabsmesuddenlyandkissesmefervently.“sunday,”hewhispersagainstmylips,andit’sbothapromiseandathreat.

iwatchhimwalkdownthepathandclimbintothebigblackaudi.hedoesn’tlookback.iclosethedoorandstandhelplessinthelivingroomofanapartmentthatishallonlyspendanothertwonightsin.aplaceiha一velivedhappilyforalmostfouryears…yettoday,forthefirsttimeever,ifeellonelyanduncomfortablehere,unhappywithmyowncompany.ha一veistrayedsofarfromwhoiam?iknowthatlurking,notveryfarundermyrathernumbexterior,isawelloftears.whatamidoing?theironyisican’tevensitdownandenjoyagoodcry.i’llha一vetostand.iknowit’slate,butidecidetocallmymom.

“honey,howareyou?howwasgraduation?”sheenthusesdownthephone.hervoiceisasoothingbalm.

“sorryit’ssolate,”iwhisper.

shepauses.

“ana?what’swrong?”she’sallseriousnessnow.

“nothing,mom,ijustwantedtohearyourvoice.”

she’ssilentforamoment.

“ana,whatisit?pleasetellme.”hervoiceissoftandcomforting,andiknowthatshecares.uninvited,mytearsbegintoflow.iha一vecriedsoofteninthelastfewdays.

“please,ana,”shesays,andheranguishreflectsmine.

“oh,mom,it’saman.”

“what’shedonetoyou?”heralarmispalpable.

“it’snotlikethat.”althoughitis…ohcrap.idon’twanttoworryher.ijustwantsomeoneelsetobestrongformeatthemoment.

“ana,please,you’reworryingme.”

itakeabigbreath.

“i’vekindoffallenforthisguy,andhe’ssodifferentfromme,andidon’tknowifweshouldbetogether.”

“oh,darling.iwishicouldbewithyou.iamsosorryimissedyourgraduation.you’vefallenforsomeone,finally.oh,honey,men,theyaresotricky.they’readifferentspecies,honey.howlongha一veyouknownhim?”

christianisdefinitelyadifferentspecies…differentplanet.

“oh,nearlythreeweeksorso.”

“ana,darling,that’snotimeatall.howcanyoupossiblyknowsomeoneinthatkindoftimeframe?justtakeiteasywithhimandkeephimatarm’slengthuntilyoudecidewhetherhe’sworthyofyou.”

wow…it’sunnervingwhenmymotherissoinsightful,butshe’sjusttoolateonthis.isheworthyofme?that’saninterestingconcept.ialwayswonderwhetheriamworthyofhim.

“honey,yousoundsounhappy.comehome–visitwithus.imissyou,darling.bobwouldlovetoseeyoutoo.youcangetsomedistanceandmaybesomeperspective.youneedabreak.you’vebeenworkingsohard.”