“itmakesmefeelcheap,”imurmur.

christianrunshishandthroughhishair,exasperated.

“itshouldn’t.you’reover-thinkingit,anastasia.don’tplacesomevaguemoraljudgmentonyourselfbasedonwhatothersmightthink.don’twasteyourenergy.it’sonlybecauseyouha一vereservationsaboutourarrangement,that’sperfectlynatural.youdon’tknowwhatyou’regettingyourselfinto.”

ifrown,tryingtoprocesshiswords.

“hey,stopthis,”hecommandssoftly,cuppingmychinagainandpullingatitgentlysoireleasemylowerlipfrommyteeth.“thereisnothingaboutyouthatischeap,anastasia.iwon’tha一veyouthinkingthat.ijustboughtyousomeoldbooksthatithoughtmightmeansomethingtoyou,that’sall.ha一vesomechampagne.”hiseyeswarmandsoften,andismiletentativelybackupathim.“that’sbetter,”hemurmurs.hepicksupthechampagne,takesoffthefoiltopandcage,twiststhebottleratherthanthecork,andopensitwithasmallpopandapracticedflourishthatdoesn’tspilladrop.hehalffillsthecups.

“it’spink,”imurmur,surprised.

“bollingergrandeannéerosé1999,anexcellentvintage,”hesayswithrelish.

“inteacups.”

hegrins.

“inteacups.congratulationsonyourdegree,anastasia.”weclinkcups,andhetakesadrink,butican’thelpthinkingthisisreallyaboutmycapitulation.

“thankyou,”imurmurandtakeasip.ofcourseit’sdelicious.“shallwegothroughthesoftlimits?”

hesmiles,andiblush.

“alwayssoeager.”christiantakesmyhandandleadsmetothecouchwherehesitsandtugsmedownbesidehim.

“you’restepfather’saverytaciturnman.”

oh…notsoftlimitsthen.ijustwanttogetthisoutoftheway;theanxietyisgnawingatme.

“youmanagedtoha一vehimeatingoutofyourhand.”ipout.

christianlaughssoftly.

“onlybecauseiknowhowtofish.”

“howdoyouknowhelikedfishing?”

“youtoldme.whenwewentforcoffee.”

“oh…didi?”itakeanothersip.wowhehasamemoryfordetail.hmm…thischampagnereallyisverygood.“didyoutrythewineatthereception?”

christianmakesaface.

“yes.itwasfoul.”

“ithoughtofyouwhenitastedit.howdidyougettobesoknowledgeableaboutwine?”

“i’mnotknowledgeable,anastasia,ijustknowwhatilike.”hisgrayeyesshine,almostsilver,anditmakesmeflush.“somemore?”heasks,referringtothechampagne.

“please.”

christianrisesgracefullyandcollectsthebottle.hefillsmycup.ishegettingmetipsy?ieyehimsuspiciously.

“thisplacelooksprettybare,areyoureadyforthemove?”

“moreorless.”

“areyouworkingtomorrow?”

“yes,mylastdayatclayton’s”

“i’dhelpyoumove,butipromisedtomeetmysisterattheairport.”

oh…thisisnews.

“miaarrivesfromparisveryearlysaturdaymorning.i’mheadingbacktoseattletomorrow,butihearelliotisgivingyoutwoahand.”

“yes,kateisveryexcitedaboutthat.”

christianfrowns.

“yes,kateandelliot,whowouldha一vethought?”hemurmurs,andforsomereason,hedoesn’tlookpleased.

“sowhatareyoudoingaboutworkinseattle?”

whenarewegoingtotalkaboutthelimits?what’shisgame?

“iha一veacoupleofinterviewsforinternplaces.”

“youweregoingtellmethiswhen?”hearchesabrow.

“err…i’mtellingyounow.”

henarrowshiseyes.

“where?”

forsomereason,possiblybecausehemightusehisinfluence,idon’twanttotellhim.

“acoupleofpublishinghouses.”

“isthatwhatyouwanttodo,somethinginpublishing?”

inodwarily.

“well?”helooksatmepatientlywantingmoreinformation.

“wellwhat?”

“don’tbeob一tuse,anastasia,whichpublishinghouses?”hescolds.

“justsmallones,”imurmur.

“whydon’tyouwantmetoknow?”

“undueinfluence.”

hefrowns.

“oh,nowyou’rebeingob一tuse.”

helaughs.

“ob一tuse?me?god,you’rechallenging.drinkup,let’stalkabouttheselimits.”hefishesoutanothercopyofmyemailandthelist.doeshewanderaboutwiththeselistsinhispockets?ithinkthere’soneinhisjacketthatiha一ve.shit,i’dbetternotforgetthat.idrainmycup.

heglancesquicklyatme.

“more?”

“please.”

hesmilesthatoh-so-smug-privatesmileofhis,holdsthechampagnebottleup,andpauses.

“ha一veyoueatenanything?”

ohno…notthisoldchestnut.

“yes.ihadathreecoursemealwithray.”irollmyeyesathim.thechampagneismakingmebold.

heleansforwardandholdsmychin,staringintentlyintomyeyes.

“nexttimeyourollyoureyesatme,iwilltakeyouacrossmyknee.”

what?!

“oh,”ibreathe,andicanseetheexcitementinhiseyes.

“oh,”heresponds,mirroringmytone.“soitbegins,anastasia.”

myheartslamsagainstmychest,andthebutterfliesescapefrommystomachintomyconstrictingthroat.whyisthathot?

hefillsmycup,andidrinkpracticallyallofit.chastened,istareupathim.

“gotyourattentionnow,ha一ven’ti?”

inod.

“answerme.”

“yes…you’vegotmyattention.”

“good,”hesmilesaknowingsmile.“sosexualacts.we’vedonemostofthis.”

imoveclosertohimonthecouchandglancedownatthelist.

appendix3

softlimits

tobediscussedandagreedbetweenbothparties:

whichofthefollowingsexualactsareacceptabletothesubmissive?

?masturbation

?fellatio

?cunnilingus

?vaginalintercourse

?vaginalfisting

?analintercourse

?analfisting

“nofisting,yousay.anythingelseyouobjectto?”heaskssoftly.

iswallow.

“analintercoursedoesn’texactlyfloatmyboat.”

“i’llagreetothefisting,buti’dreallyliketoclaimyourass,anastasia.butwe’llwaitforthat.besides,it’snotsomethingwecanpeinto,”hesmirksatme.“yourasswillneedtraining.”

“training?”iwhisper.

“ohyes.it’llneedcarefulpreparation.analintercoursecanbeverypleasurable,trustme.butifwetryitandyoudon’tlikeit,wedon’tha一vetodoitagain.”hegrinsdownatme.

iblinkupathim.hethinksi’llenjoyit?howdoesheknowit’spleasurable?

“ha一veyoudonethat?”iwhisper.

“yes.”

holycrap.igasp.

“withaman?”

“no.i’veneverhadsexwithaman.notmyscene.”

“mrs.robinson?”

“yes.”

holyshit…how?ifrown.hemovesondownthelist.

“okay…swallowingsemen.well,yougetanainthat.”

iflush,andmyinnergoddesssmacksherlipstogetherglowingwithpride.

“so.”helooksdownatmegrinning.“swallowingsemenokay?”

inod,notabletolookhimintheeye,anddrainmycupagain.

“more?”heasks.

“more.”andi’msuddenlyremindedofourconversationearliertodayasherefillsmycup.ishereferringtothatorjustthechampagne?isthiswholechampagnethingmore?

“sextoys?”heasks.

ishrug,glancingdownthelist.

istheuseofsextoysacceptabletothesubmissive?

?vibrators

?dildos

?buttplugs

?other

“buttplug?doesitdowhatitsaysonthetin?”iscrunchmynoseupindistaste.

“yes,”hesmiles.“andirefertoanalintercourseabove.training.”

“oh…what’sinother?”

“beads,eggs…thatsortofstuff.”

“eggs?”i’malarmed.

“notrealeggs,”helaughsloudly,shakinghishead.

ipursemylipsathim.

“i’mgladyoufindmefunny.”ican’tkeepmyinjuredfeelingsoutofmyvoice.

hestopslaughing.

“iapologize.misssteele,i’msorry,”hesays,tryingtolookcontrite,buthiseyesarestilldancingwithhumor.“anyproblemwithtoys?”

“no,”isnap.

“anastasia,”hecajoles.“iamsorry.believeme.idon’tmeantolaugh.i’veneverhadthisconversationinsomuchdetail.you’rejustsoinexperienced.i’msorry.”hiseyesarebigandgrayandsincere.

ithawalittleandtakeanothersipofchampagne.

“right–bondage,”hesays,returningtothelist.iexaminethelist,andmyinnergoddessbouncesupanddownlikeasmallchildwaitingforicecream.

isbondageacceptabletothesubmissive?

?handsinfront?handsbehindback

?ankles?knees

?elbows

?wriststoankles

?spreaderbars

?tiedtofurniture

?blindfolding

?gagging

?bondagewithrope

?bondagewithtape

?bondagewithleathercuffs

?suspension

?bondagewithhandcuffs/metalrestraints

“we’vetalkedaboutsuspension.andit’sfineifyouwanttosetthatupasahardlimit.ittakesagreatdealoftime,andionlyha一veyouforshortperiodsoftimeanyway.anythingelse?”

“don’tlaughatme,butwhat’saspreaderbar?”

“ipromisenottolaugh.i’veapologizedtwice.”heglaresatme.“don’tmakemedoitagain,”hewarns.andithinkivisiblyshrink...oh,he’ssobossy.“aspreaderisabarwithcuffsforanklesand/orwrists.they’refun.”

“okay…wellgaggingme.i’dbeworriediwouldn’tbeabletobreathe”

“i’dbeworriedifyoucouldn’tbreathe.idon’twanttosuffocateyou.”

“andhowwilliusesafewordsifi’mgagged?”

hepauses.

“firstofall,ihopeyouneverha一vetousethem.butifyou’regagged,we’llusehandsignals,”hesayssimply.

iblinkupathim.butifi’mtrussedup,how’sthatgoingtowork?mybrainisbeginningtofog…hmmalcohol.

“i’mnervousaboutthegagging.”

“okay.i’lltakenote.”

istareupathim,realizationdawning.

“doyouliketyingyoursubmissivesupsotheycan’ttouchyou?”

hegazesatme,hiseyeswidening.

“that’soneofthereasons,”hesaysquietly.

“isthatwhyyou’vetiedmyhands?”

“yes.”

“youdon’tliketalkingaboutthat,”imurmur.

“no,idon’t.wouldyoulikeanotherdrink?it’smakingyoubra一ve,andineedtoknowhowyoufeelaboutpain.”

holycrap…thisisthetrickypart.herefillsmyteacup,andisip.

“so,what’syourgeneralattitudetoreceivingpain?”christianlooksexpectantlyatme.“you’rebitingyourlip,”hesaysdarkly.

istopimmediately,butidon’tknowwhattosay.iflushandstaredownatmyhands.

“wereyouphysicallypunishedasachild?”

“no.”

“soyouha一venosphereofreferenceatall?”

“no.”

“it’snotasbadasyouthink.yourimaginationisyourworstenemyinthis,”hewhispers.

“doyouha一vetodoit?”

“yes.”

“why?”

“goeswiththeterritory,anastasia.it’swhatido.icanseeyou’renervous.let’sgothroughmethods.”

heshowsmethelist.mysubconsciousruns,screaming,andhidesbehindthecouch.

?spanking

?paddling

?whipping

?caning

?biting

?nippleclamps

?genitalclamps

?ice

?hotwax

?othertypes/methodsofpain

“well,yousaidnotogenitalclamps.that’sfine.it’scaningthathurtsthemost.”

iblanch.

“wecanworkuptothat.”

“ornotdoitatall,”iwhisper.

“thisispartofthedeal,baby,butwe’llworkuptoallofthis.anastasia,iwon’tpushyoutoofar.”

“thispunishmentthing,itworriesmethemost.”myvoiceisverysmall.

“well,i’mgladyou’vetoldme.we’llkeepcaningoffthelistfornow.andasyougetmorecomfortablewiththisstuff,we’llincreaseintensity.we’lltakeitslow.”

iswallow,andheleansforwardandkissesmeonmylips.

“there,thatwasn’tsobadwasit?”

ishrug,myheartinmouthagain.

“look,iwanttotalkaboutonemorething,theni’mtakingyoutobed.”

“bed?”iblinkrapidly,andmybloodpoundsroundmybody,warmingplacesididn’tknowexisteduntilveryrecently.

“comeon,anastasia,talkingthroughallthis,iwanttofuckyouintonextweek,rightnow.itmustbeha一vingsomeeffectonyoutoo.”

isquirm.myinnergoddessispanting.

“see?beside,there’ssomethingiwanttotry.”

“somethingpainful?”

“no–stopseeingpaineverywhere.it’smainlypleasure.ha一veihurtyouyet?”

iflush.

“no.”

“wellthen.look,earliertodayyouweretalkingaboutwantingmore,”hehalts,uncertainallofasudden.

ohmy…where’sthisgoing?

heclaspsmyhand.

“outsideofthetimeyou’remysub,perhapswecouldtry.idon’tknowifitwillwork.idon’tknowaboutseparatingeverything.itmaynotwork.buti’mwillingtotry.maybeonenightaweek.idon’tknow.”

holycow…mymouthdropsopen,mysubconsciousisinshock,christiangreyisupformore!he’swillingtotry!mysubconsciouspeeksoutfrombehindthecouch,stillregisteringshockonherharpyface.

“iha一veonecondition.”helookswarilyatmystunnedexpression.

“what?”ibreathe.anything.i’llgiveyouanything.

“yougraciouslyacceptmygraduationpresenttoyou.”

“oh.”anddeepdowniknowwhatitis.dreadspawnsinmybelly.

he’sstaringdownatme,gaugingmyreaction.

“come,”hemurmursandrises,draggingmeup.takinghisjacketoff,hedrapesitovermyshouldersandheadsforthedoor.

parkedoutsideisaredhatchbackcar,atwo-doorcompactaudi.

“it’sforyou.happygraduation,”hemurmurs,pullingmeintohisarmsandkissingmyhair.

he’sboughtmeadamnedcar,brandnewbythelooksofit.jeez…i’vehadenoughtroublewiththebooks.istareatitblankly,tryingdesperatelytodeterminehowifeelaboutthis.iamappalledononelevel,gratefulonanother,shockedthathe’sactuallydoneit,buttheoverridingemotionisanger.yes,i’mangry,especiallyaftereverythingitoldhimaboutthebooks…butthenhe’dalreadyboughtthis.takingmyhand,heleadsmedownthepathtowardthisnewacquisition.

“anastasia,thatbeetleofyoursisoldandfranklydangerous.iwouldneverforgivemyselfifsomethinghappenedtoyouwhenit’ssoeasyformetomakeitright,”hetrailsoff.

hiseyesareonme,butatthemomenticannotbringmyselftolookathim.istandsilentlystaringatitsawesomebrightrednewness.

“imentionedittoyourstepfather.hewasallforit,”hemurmurs.

turning,iglareathim,mymouthopeninhorror.

“youmentionedthistoray.howcouldyou?”icanbarelyspitthewordsout.howdarehe?poorray.ifeelsick,mortifiedformydad.

“it’sagift,anastasia.can’tyoujustsaythankyou?”

“butyouknowit’stoomuch.”

“nottomeitisn’t,notformypeaceofmind.”

ifrownathim,atalosswhattosay.hejustdoesn’tgetit!he’shadmoneyallhislife.okay,notallhislife–notasasmallchild–andmyworld-viewshifts.thethoughtisverysobering,andisoftentowardsthecar,feelingguiltyaboutmyfitofpique.hisintentionsaregood,misguided,butnotfromabadplace.

“i’mhappyforyoutoloanthistome,likethelaptop.”

hesighshea一vily.

“okay.onloan.indefinitely.”helookswarilyatme.

“no,notindefinitely,butfornow.thankyou.”

hefrowns.ireachupandkisshimbrieflyonhischeek.

“thankyouforthecar,sir.”isayassweetlyasicanmanage.

hegrabsmesuddenlyandyanksmeupagainsthim,onehandatmybackholdingmetohimandtheotherfistinginmyhair.

“youareonechallengingwoman,anasteele.”hekissesmepassionately,forcingmylipsapartwithhistongue,takingnoprisoners.

mybloodheatsimmediately,andi’mreturninghiskisswithmyownpassion.iwanthimbadly–inspiteofthecar,thebooks,thesoftlimits…thecaning…iwanthim.

“it’stakingallmyself-controlnottofuckyouonthehoodofthiscarrightnow,justtoshowyouthatyouaremine,andifiwanttobuyyouafuckingcar,i’llbuyyouafuckingcar,”hegrowls.“nowlet’sgetyouinsideandnaked.”heplantsaswiftroughkissonme.

boy,he’sangry.hegrabsmyhandandleadsmebackintotheapartmentandstraightintomybedroom…nopassinggo.mysubconsciousisbehindthesofaagain,headhiddenunderherhands.heswitchesonthesidelightandhalts,staringatme.

“pleasedon’tbeangrywithme,”iwhisper.

hisgazeisimpassive;hisgrayeyescoldshardsofsmokyglass.

“i’msorryaboutthecarandthebooks,”itrailoff.heremainssilentandbrooding.“youscaremewhenyou’reangry,”ibreathe,staringathim.

hecloseshiseyesandshakeshishead.whenheopensthem,hisexpressionhassoftenedfractionally.hetakesadeepbreathandswallows.

“turnround,”hewhispers.“iwanttogetyououtofthatdress.”

anothermercurialmoodswing,it’ssohardtokeepup.obediently,iturnandmyheartisthumping,desireinstantlyreplacingunease,coursingthroughmybloodandsettlingdarkandyearninglow,lowinmybelly.hescoopsmyhairoffmybacksoithangsdownmyrightside,curlingatmybreast.heplaceshisindexfingeratthenapeofmyneckandachinglyslowlydragsitdownmyspine.hiswell-manicuredfingernailgentlygrazesdownmyback.

“ilikethisdress,”hemurmurs.“iliketoseeyourflawlessskin.”

hisfingerreachesthebackofmyhalterdressmidwaydownmyspine,andhookinghisfingerbeneaththetop,hepullsmeclosersothatistepbackagainsthim.ifeelhimflushagainstmybody.leaningdown,heinhalesmyhair.

“yousmellsogood,anastasia.sosweet.”hisnoseskimspastmyeardownmyneck,andhetrailssoft,featherlightkissesalongmyshoulder.