“notifyoureallydon’twantto.youcanmakethatahardlimit.”

“okay.”

“soobeying,doyouthinkyoucanmanagethat?”

hestaresatme,hisgrayeyesintense.thesecondstickby.

“icouldtry,”iwhisper.

“good.”hesmiles.“nowterm.onemonthinsteadofthreeisnotimeatall,especiallyifyouwantaweekendawayfrommeeachmonth.idon’tthinki’llbeabletostayawayfromyouforthatlengthoftime.icanbarelymanageitnow,”hepauses.

hecan’tstayawayfromme?what?

“howabout,onedayoveroneweekendpermonthyougettoyourself–butigetamidweeknightthatweek?”

“okay.”

“andplease,let’stryitforthreemonths.ifit’snotforyouthen,youcanwalkawayanytime.”

“threemonths?”i’mfeelingrailroaded.itakeanotherlargesipofwineandtreatmyselftoanotheroyster.icouldlearntolikethese.

“theownershipthing,that’sjustterminologyandgoesbacktotheprincipleofobeying.it’stogetyouintotherightframeofmind,tounderstandwherei’mcomingfrom.andiwantyoutoknowthatassoonasyoucrossmythresholdasmysubmissive,iwilldowhatiliketoyou.youha一vetoacceptthatandwillingly.that’swhyyouha一vetotrustme.iwillfuckyou,anytime,anyway,iwant–anywhereiwant.iwilldisciplineyou,becauseyouwillscrewup.iwilltrainyoutopleaseme.butiknowyou’venotdonethisbefore.initially,we’lltakeitslowly,andiwillhelpyou.we’llbuilduptovariousscenarios.iwantyoutotrustme,butiknowiha一vetoearnyourtrust,andiwill.the“orotherwise”–againit’stohelpyougetintothemindset,itmeansanythinggoes.”

he’ssopassionate,mesmerizing.thisisobviouslyhisobsession,thewayheis…ican’ttakemyeyesoffhim.hereally,reallywantsthis.hestopstalkingandgazesatme.

“stillwithme?”hewhispers,hisvoicerich,warmandseductive.hetakesasipofhiswine,hispenetratingstareholdingmine.

thewaitercomestothedoor,andchristiansub一tlynodspermittingthewaitertoclearourtable.

“wouldyoulikesomemorewine?”

“iha一vetodrive.”

“somewaterthen?”

inod.

“stillorsparkling?”

“sparkling,please.”

thewaiterlea一ves.

“you’reveryquiet,”christianwhispers.

“you’reveryverbose.”

hesmiles.

“discipline.there’saveryfinelinebetweenpleasureandpainanastasia.theyaretwosidesofthesamecoin,onenotexistingwithouttheother.icanshowyouhowpleasurablepaincanbe.youdon’tbelievemenow,butthisiswhatimeanabouttrust.therewillbepain,butnothingthatyoucan’thandle.again,itcomesdowntotrust.doyoutrustme,ana?”

ana!

“yes,ido.”irespondspontaneously,notthinking…becauseit’strue–idotrusthim.

“wellthen,”helooksrelieved.“therestofthisstuffisjustdetails.”

“importantdetails.”

“okay,let’stalkthroughthose.”

myheadisswimmingwithallhiswords.ishouldha一vebroughtkate’sminidiscplayersoicanlistenbacktothis.thereissomuchinformation,somuchtoprocess.thewaiterre-emergeswithourentrees:blackcod,asparagus,andcrushedpotatoeswithahollandaisesauce.iha一veneverfeltlesslikefood.

“ihopeyoulikefish,”christiansaysmildly.

imakeastabatmyfoodandtakealongdrinkofmysparklingwater.ivehementlywishitwaswine.

“therules.let’stalkaboutthem.thefoodisadealbreaker?”

“yes.”

“canimodifytosaythatyouwilleatatleastthreemealsaday?”

“no.”iamsonotbackingdownonthis.nooneisgoingtodictatetomewhatieat.howifuck,yes,buteat…no,noway.

hepurseshislips.

“ineedtoknowthatyou’renothungry.”

ifrown.why?

“you’llha一vetotrustme.”

hegazesatmeforamoment,andherelaxes.

“touché,misssteele,”hesaysquietly.“iconcedethefoodandthesleep.”

“whycan’tilookatyou?”

“that’sadom/subthing.you’llgetusedtoit.”

willi?

“whycan’titouchyou?”

“becauseyoucan’t.”

hismouthsetsinamulishline.

“isitbecauseofmrs.robinson?”

helooksquizzicallyatme.

“whywouldyouthinkthat?”andimmediatelyheunderstands.“youthinkshetraumatizedme?”

inod.

“noanastasia.she’snotthereason.besides,mrs.robinsonwouldn’ttakeanyofthatshitfromme.”

oh…butiha一veto.ipout.

“sonothingtodowithher.”

“no.andidon’twantyoutouchingyourself,either.”

what?ahyes,thenomasturbationclause.

“outofcuriosity…why?”

“becauseiwantallyourpleasure,”hisvoiceishusky,butdetermined.

oh…iha一venoanswerforthat.ononelevelit’suptherewith,‘iwanttobitethatlip’,onanother,it’ssoselfish.ifrownandtakeabiteofcod,tryingtoassessmentallywhatconcessionsi’vegained.thefood,thesleep,icanlookhimintheeye.he’sgoingtotakeitslow,andweha一ven’tdiscussedsoftlimits.buti’mnotsureicanfacethatoverfood.

“i’vegivenyouagreatdealtothinkaboutha一ven’ti?”

“yes.”

“doyouwanttogothroughthesoftlimitsnowtoo?”

“notoverdinner.”

hesmiles.

“squeamish?”

“somethinglikethat.”

“you’venoteatenverymuch.”

“i’vehadenough.”

“threeoysters,fourbitesofcod,andoneasparagusstalk,nopotatoes,nonuts,noolives,andyou’venoteatenallday.yousaidicouldtrustyou.”

jeez.he’skeptaninventory.

“christian,please,it’snoteverydayisitthroughconversationslikethis.”

“ineedyoufitandhealthyanastasia.”

“iknow.”

“andrightnow,iwanttopeelyououtofthatdress.”

iswallow.peelmeoutofkate’sdress.ifeelthepulldeepinmybelly.musclesthati’mnowmoreacquaintedwithclenchathiswords.butican’tha一vethis.hismostpotentweapon,usedagainstmeagain.he’ssogoodatsex–eveni’vefiguredthisout.

“idon’tthinkthat’sagoodidea,”imurmurquietly.“weha一ven’thaddessert.”

“youwantdessert?”hesnorts.

“yes.”

“youcouldbedessert,”hemurmurssuggestively.

“i’mnotsurei’msweetenough.”

“anastasia,you’redeliciouslysweet.iknow.”

“christian.youusesexasaweapon.itreallyisn’tfair,”iwhisper,staringdownatmyhands,andthenlookingdirectlyathim.heraiseshiseyebrows,surprised,andiseehe’sconsideringmywords.hestrokeshischinthoughtfully.

“you’reright.ido.inlifeyouusewhatyouknow,anastasia.doesn’tchangehowmuchiwantyou.here.now.”

howcanheseducemesolelywithhisvoice?i’mpantingalready–myheatedbloodrushingthroughmyveins,mynervestingling.

“i’dliketotrysomething,”hebreathes.

ifrown.he’sjustgivenmeashitloadofideastoprocessandnowthis.

“ifyouweremysub,youwouldn’tha一vetothinkaboutthis.itwouldbeeasy.”hisvoiceissoft,seductive.“allthosedecisions–allthewearyingthoughtprocessesbehindthem.the–isthistherightthingtodo?shouldthishappenhere?canithappennow?youwouldn’tha一vetoworryaboutanyofthatdetail.that’swhati’ddoasyourdom.andrightnow,iknowyouwantme,anastasia.”

myfrowndeepens.howcanhetell?

“icantellbecause…”

holyshithe’sansweringmyunspokenquestion.ishepsychicaswell?

“…yourbodygivesyouaway.you’repressingyourthighstogether,you’reflushed,andyourbreathinghaschanged.”

o,thisistoomuch.

“howdoyouknowaboutmythighs?”myvoiceislow,disbelieving.they’reunderthetableforhea一ven’ssake.

“ifeltthetableclothmove,andit’sacalculatedguessbasedonyearsofexperience.i’mrightaren’ti?”

iflushandstaredownatmyhands.that’swhati’mhinderedbyinthisgameofseduction.he’stheonlyonewhoknowsandunderstandstherules.i’mjusttoona?veandinexperienced.myonlysphereofreferenceiskate,andshedoesn’ttakeanyshitfrommen.myotherreferencesareallfictional:elizabethbennettwouldbeoutraged,janeeyretoofrightened,andtesswouldsuccumb,justasiha一ve.

“iha一ven’tfinishedmycod.”

“you’dprefercoldcodtome?”

myheadjerksuptoglareathim,andhisgrayeyesburnmoltensilver,withcompellingneed.

“ithoughtyoulikedmeclearingmyplate.”

“rightnow,misssteele,icouldn’tgiveafuckaboutyourfood.”

“christian.youjustdon’tfightfair.”

“iknow.ineverha一ve.”

myinnergoddessfrownsatme.youcandothis,shecoaxes–playthissexgodathisowngame.cani?okay.whattodo?myinexperienceisanalbatrossaroundmyneck.pickingupaspearofasparagus,igazeathimandbitemylip.thenveryslowlyputthetipofmycoldasparagusinmymouthandsuckit.

christian’seyeswideninfinitesimally,butinotice.

“anastasia.whatareyoudoing?”

ibiteoffthetip.

“eatingmyasparagus.”

christianshiftsinhisseat.

“ithinkyou’retoyingwithme,misssteele.”

ifeigninnocence.

“i’mjustfinishingmyfood,mr.grey.”

thewaiterchoosesthismomenttoknockand,unbidden,enter.heglancesbrieflyatchristian,whofrownsathimbutthennods,sothewaiterclearsourplates.thewaiter’sarrivalhasbrokenthespell.andigraspthispreciousmomentofclarity.iha一vetogo.ourmeetingwillonlyendonewayifistay,andineedsomeboundariesaftersuchanintense

conversation.asmuchasmybodycra一veshistouch,mymindisrebelling.ineedsomedistancetothinkaboutallhe’ssaid.istillha一ven’tmadeadecision,andhissexualallureandprowessdoesn’tmakeitanyeasier.

“wouldyoulikesomedessert?”christianasks,everthegentleman,buthiseyesstillblaze.

“no,thankyou.ithinkishouldgo.”istaredownatmyhands.

“go?”hecan’thidehissurprise.

thewaiterlea一veshastily.

“yes.”it’stherightdecision.ifistayhere,inthisroomwithhim,hewillfuckme.istand,purposefully.“webothha一vethegraduationceremonytomorrow.”

christianstandsautomatically,revealingyearsofingrainedcivility.

“idon’twantyoutogo.”

“please…iha一veto.”

“why?”

“becauseyou’vegivenmesomuchtoconsider…andineedsomedistance.”

“icouldmakeyoustay,”hethreatens.

“yes,youcouldeasily,butidon’twantyouto.”

herunshishandthroughhishair,regardingmecarefully.

“youknow,whenyoufellintomyofficetointerviewme,youwereallyessir,nosir.ithoughtyouwereanaturalbornsubmissive.butquitefrankly,anastasia,i’mnotsureyouha一veasubmissiveboneinyourdelectablebody.”hemovesslowlytowardmeashisspeaks,hisvoicetense.

“youmayberight,”ibreathe.

“iwantthechancetoexplorethepossibilitythatyoudo,”hemurmurs,staringdownatme.hereachesupandcaressesmyface,histhumbtracingmylowerlip.“idon’tknowanyotherway,anastasia.thisiswhoiam.”

“iknow.”

heleansdowntokissme,butpausesbeforehislipstouchmine,hiseyessearchingmine,wanting,askingpermission.iraisemylipstohis,andhekissesmeandbecauseidon’tknowifi’lleverkisshimagain,iletgo–myhandsmovingoftheirownaccordandtwistingintohishair,pullinghimtome,mymouthopening,mytonguestrokinghis.hishandgraspsthenapeofmyneckashedeepensthekiss,respondingtomyardor.hisotherhandslidesdownmybackandflattensatthebaseofmyspineashepushesmeagainsthisbody.

“ican’tpersuadeyoutostay?”hebreathesbetweenkisses.

“no.”

“spendthenightwithme.”

“andnottouchyou?no.”

hegroans.

“youimpossiblegirl.”hepullsback,gazingdownatme.“whydoithinkyou’retellingmegoodbye?”

“becausei’mlea一vingnow.”

“that’snotwhatimean,andyouknowit.”

“christian,iha一vetothinkaboutthis.idon’tknowificanha一vethekindofrelationshipyouwant.”

hecloseshiseyesandpresseshisforeheadagainstmine,givingusboththeopportunitytoslowourbreathing.afteramoment,hekissesmyforehead,inhalesdeeply,hisnoseinmyhair,andthenhereleasesme,steppingback.

“asyouwish,misssteele,”hesays,hisfaceimpassive.“i’llescortyoutothelobby.”heholdsouthishand.leaningdown,igrabmypurseandplacemyhandinhis.holycrap,thiscouldbeit.ifollowhimmeeklydownthegrandstairsandintothelobby,myscalpprickling,mybloodpumping.thiscouldbethelastgoodbyeifidecidetosayno.myheartcontractspainfullyinmychest.whataturnaround.whatadifferenceamomentofclaritycanmaketoagirl.

“doyouha一veyourvaletticket?”

ifishintomyclutchpurseandhandhimtheticket,whichhegivestothedoorman.ipeekupathimaswestandwaiting.

“thankyoufordinner,”imurmur.

“it’sapleasureasalways,misssteele,”hesayspolitely,thoughhelooksdeepinthought,completelydistracted.

asipeerupathim,icommithisbeautifulprofiletomemory.theideathatimightnotseehimagainhauntsme,unwelcomeandtoopainfultocontemplate.heturnssuddenly,staringdownatme,hisexpressionintense.

“you’removingthisweekendtoseattle.ifyoumaketherightdecision,caniseeyouonsunday?”hesoundshesitant.

“we’llsee.maybe,”ibreathe.momentarily,helooksrelieved,andthenhefrowns.

“it’scoolernow,don’tyouha一veajacket?”

“no.”

heshakeshisheadinirritationandtakesoffhisjacket.

“here.idon’twantyoucatchingcold.”

iblinkupathimasheholdsitopen,andasiholdmyarmsoutbehindme,i’mremindedofthetimeinhisofficewhenheslippedmycoatontomyshoulders–thefirsttimeimethim–andtheeffecthehadonmethen.nothing’schanged,infact,it’smoreintense.hisjacketiswarm,fartoobig,anditsmellsofhim.ohmy…delicious.

mycarpullsupoutside.christian’smouthdropsopen.

“that’swhatyoudrive?”he’sappalled.takingmyhand,heleadsmeoutside.thevaletjumpsoutandhandsmemykeys,andchristiancoollypalmshimsomemoney.

“isthisroadworthy?”he’sglaringatmenow.

“yes.”

“willitmakeittoseattle?”

“yes.shewill.”

“safely?”

“yes,”isnap,exasperated.“okayshe’sold.butshe’smine,andshe’sroadworthy.mystepdadboughtitforme.”

“oh,anastasia,ithinkwecandobetterthanthis.”

“whatdoyoumean?”realizationdawns.“youarenotbuyingmeacar.”

heglowersatme,hisjawtense.

“we’llsee,”hesaystightly.

hegrimacesasheopensthedriver’sdoorandhelpsmein.itakemyshoesoffandrolldownthewindow.he’sgazingatme,hisexpressionunfathomable,eyesdark.

“drivesafely,”hesaysquietly.

“goodbye,christian.”myvoiceishoarsefromunbidden,unshedtears–jeezi’mnotgoingtocry.igivehimasmallsmile.

asidriveaway,mychestconstricts,mytearsstarttofall,andichokebackasob.soontearsarestreamingdownmyface,andireallydon’tunderstandwhyi’mcrying.iwasholdingmyown.heexplainedeverything.hewasclear.hewantsme,butthetruthis,ineedmore.ineedhimtowantmelikeiwantandneedhim,anddeepdowniknowthat’snotpossible.iamjustoverwhelmed.

idon’tevenknowhowtocategorizehim.ifidothisthing…willhebemyboyfriend?willibeabletointroducehimtomyfriends?goouttobars,thecinema,bowlingeven,withhim?thetruthis,idon’tthinkiwill.hewon’tletmetouchhimandhewon’tletmesleepwithhim.iknowi’venothadthesethingsinmypast,butiwanttheminmyfuture.andthat’snotthefutureheenvisages.

whatifidosayyes,andinthreemonths’timehesaysno,he’shadenoughoftryingtomoldmeintosomethingi’mnot.howwillifeel?i’llha一veemotionallyinvestedthreemonths,doingthingsthati’mnotsureiwanttodo.andifhethensaysno,agreementover,howcouldicopewiththatlevelofrejection?perhapsit’sbesttobackawaynowwithwhatself-esteemiha一vereasonablyintact.

butthethoughtofnotseeinghimagainisagonizing.howhashegottenundermyskinsoquickly?itcan’tjustbethesex…canit?idashthetearsfrommyeyes.idon’twanttoexaminemyfeelingsforhim.i’mfrightenedwhati’lluncoverifido.whatamigoingtodo?

iparkupoutsideourduplex.nolightson.katemustbeout.i’mrelieved.idon’twanthertocatchmecryingagain.asiundress,iwakeupthemeanmachineandsittinginmyinboxisamessagefromchristian.

from:christiangrey

subject:tonight

date:may25201122:01

to:anastasiasteele

idon’tunderstandwhyyouranthisevening.isincerelyhopeiansweredallyourquestionstoyoursatisfaction.iknowiha一vegivenyouagreatdealtocontemplate,andiferventlyhopethatyouwillgivemyproposalyourseriousconsideration.ireallywanttomakethiswork.wewilltakeitslow.

trustme.

christiangrey

ceo,greyenterprisesholdingsinc.

hisemailmakesmeweepmore.iamnotamerger.iamnotanacquisition.readingthis,imightaswellbe.idon’treply.ijustdon’tknowwhattosaytohim.ifumbleintomypjs,andwrappinghisjacketaroundme.iclimbintobed.asiliestaringintothedarkness,ithinkofallthetimeshewarnedmetostayaway.

‘anastasia,youshouldsteerclearofme.i’mnotthemanforyou.’

‘idon’tdothegirlfriendthing.’

‘i’mnotaheartsandflowerskindofguy.’

‘idon’tmakelove.’‘thisisalliknow.’

andasiweepintomypillowsilently,it’sthislastideaiclingto.thisisalliknow,too.perhapstogetherwecanchartanewcourse.

christianisstandingovermegraspingaplaited,leatherriding-crop.he’swearingold,faded,rippedlevisandthat’sall.heflicksthecropslowlyintohispalmashegazesdownatme.he’ssmiling,triumphant.icannotmove.iamnakedandshackled,spread-eagledonalargefour-posterbed.reachingforward,hetrailsthetipofthecropfrommyforeheaddownthelengthofmynose,soicansmelltheleather,andovermyparted,pantinglips.hepushesthetipintomymouthsoicantastethesmooth,richleather.

“suck,”hecommandshisvoicesoft.mymouthclosesoverthetipasiobey.

“enough,”hesnaps.

i’mpantingoncemoreashetugsthecropoutofmymouth,trailsitdownandundermychin,ondownmynecktothehollowatthebaseofmythroat.heswirlsitslowlythereandthencontinuestodragthetipdownmybody,alongmysternum,betweenmybreasts,overmytorsodowntomyna一vel.i’mpanting,squirming,pullingagainstmyrestraintsthatarebitingintomywristsandmyankles.heswirlsthetiparoundmyna一velthencontinuestotrailtheleathertipsouth,throughmypubichairtomyclitoris.heflicksthecropandithitsmysweetspotwithasharpslap,andicome,gloriously,shoutingmyrelease.

abruptly,iwake,gaspingforbreath,coveredinsweatandfeelingtheaftershocksofmyorgasm.holyhell.i’mcompletelydisorientated.whatthehelljusthappened?i’minmybedroomalone.how?why?isitboltupright,shocked…wow.it’smorning.iglanceatmyalarmclock–eighto’clock.iputmyheadinmyhands.ididn’tknowi

coulddreamsex.wasitsomethingiate?perhapstheoystersandmyinternetresearchmanifestingitselfinmyfirstwetdream.it’sbewildering.ihadnoideathaticouldorgasminmysleep.

kateisskippingaroundthekitchenwhenistaggerin.

“ana,areyouokay?youlookodd.isthatchristian’sjacketyou’rewearing?”

“i’mfine.”damn,shouldha一vecheckedinthemirror.ia一voidherpiercinggreeneyes.i’mstillreelingfrommymorning’sevent.“yes,thisischristian’sjacket.”

shefrowns.

“didyousleep?”

“notverywell.”

iheadforthekettle.ineedtea.

“howwasdinner?”

soitbegins.

“wehadoysters.followedbycod,soi’dsayitwasfishy.”

“ugh…ihateoysters,andidon’twanttoknowaboutthefood.howwaschristian?whatdidyoutalkabout?”

“hewasattentive,”ipause.

whatcanisay?hishivstatusisclear,he’shea一vilyintorole-play,wantsmetoobeyhiseverycommand,hehurtsomeonehetiedtohisbedroomceiling,andhewantedtofuckmeintheprivatediningroom.wouldthatbeagoodsummary?itrydesperatelytoremembersomethingfrommyencounterwithchristianthaticandiscusswithkate.

“hedoesn’tapproveofwanda.”

“whodoes,ana?that’soldnews.whyareyoubeingsocoy?giveitup,girlfriend.”

“oh,kate,wetalkedaboutlotsthings.youknow–howfussyheisaboutfood.incidentally,helikedyourdress.”thekettlehasboiled,soimakemyselfsometea.“doyouwanttea?wouldyoulikemetohearyourspeechfortoday?”

“yes,please.iworkedonitlastnightoveratlilah’s.i’llgofetchit.andyes,i’dlovesometea.”kateracesoutofthekitchen.

phew,katherineka一vanaghsidetracked.isliceabagelandpopitintothetoaster.iflushrememberingmyveryvividdream.whatonearthwasthatabout?

lastnightifoundithardtosleep.myheadwasbuzzingwithvariousoptions.iamsoconfused.christian’sideaofarelationshipismorelikeajoboffer.ithassethours,ajobdescription,andaratherharshgrievanceprocedure.it’snothowienvisagedmyfirstromance–but,ofcourse,christiandoesn’tdoromance.ifitellhimiwantmore,hemaysayno…andicouldjeopardizewhathehasoffered.andthisiswhatconcernsmemost,becauseidon’twanttolosehim.buti’mnotsureiha一vethestomachtobehissubmissive–deepdown,it’sthecanesandwhipsthatputmeoff.i’maphysicalcoward,andiwillgoalongwaytoa一voidpain.ithinkofmydream…isthatwhatitwouldbelike?myinnergoddessjumpsupanddownwithcheerleadingpom-pomsshoutingyesatme.

katecomesbackintothekitchenwithherlaptop.iconcentrateonmybagelandlistenpatientlyassherunsthroughhervaledictorianspeech.

iamdressedandreadywhenrayarrives.iopenthefrontdoor,andhe’sstandingontheporchinhisill-fittingsuit.awarmsurgeofgratitudeandloveforthisuncomplicatedmanstreaksthroughme,andithrowmyarmsaroundhiminanuncharacteristicdisplayofaffection.he’staken-aback,bemused.

“hey,annie,i’mpleasedtoseeyoutoo,”hemuttersashehugsme.settingmeback,hishandsonmyshoulders,helooksmeupanddown,hisbrowfurrowed.“youokay,kid?”

“ofcourse,dad,can’tagirlbepleasedtoseeheroldman?”

hesmiles,hisdarkeyescrinklingatthecorners,andfollowsmeintothelivingarea.

“youlookgood,”hesays.

“thisiskate’sdress.”iglancedownatthegreychiffonhalterneckdress.

hefrowns.

“whereiskate?”

“she’sgonetocampus.she’sgivingaspeech,soshehastobeearly.”

“shouldweheadonover?”

“dad,weha一vehalfanhour.wouldyoulikesometea?andyoucantellmehoweveryoneinmontesanoisgettingalong.howwasthedrivedown?”

raypullshiscarintothecampusparkinglot,andwefollowthestreamofhumanitydottedwithubiquitousblackandredgowns,headingtowardthesportsauditorium.

“goodluck,annie.youseemawfullynervous,doyouha一vetodoanything?”

holycrap…whyhasraypickedtodaytobesoobservant?

“no,dad.it’sabigday.”andi’mgoingtoseehim.

“yeah,mybabygirlhasgottenadegree.i’mproudofyou,annie.”

“aw…thanksray.”ohilovethisman.

thesportsauditoriumiscrowded.rayhasgonetositwiththeotherparentsandwell-wishersintherakedseating,whileimakemywaytomyseat.i’mwearingmyblackgownandmycap,andifeelprotectedbythem,anonymous.thereisnooneonthestageyet,butican’tseemtosteadymynerves.myheartispounding,andmybreathingisshallow.he’shere,somewhere.iwonderifkateistalkingtohim,interrogatinghimmaybe.imakemywaytomyseatamongstfellowstudentswhosesurnamesalsobeginwiths.iaminthesecondrow,affordingmeyetmoreanonymity.iglancebehindmeandspotraysatuphighinthebleachers.igivehimawa一ve.heself-consciouslygivesmeahalf-wa一ve,half-saluteback.isitandwait.

theauditoriumfillsquickly,andthebuzzofexcitedvoicesgetslouderandlouder.therowofseatsinfrontfills.oneithersideofme,iamjoinedbytwogirlswhomidon’tknowfromadifferentfaculty.they’reobviouslyclosefriendsandtalkacrossmeexcitedly.

atelevenprecisely,thechancellorappearsfrombehindthestage,followedbythethreevicechancellors,andthentheseniorprofessors,alldeckedoutintheirblackandredregalia.westandandapplaudourteachingstaff.someprofessorsnodandwa一ve,otherslookbored.professorcollins,mytutorandmyfa一voriteteacher,lookslikehe’sjustfallenoutofbed,asusual.lastontothestagearekateandchristian.christianstandsoutinhisbespokegraysuit,copperhighlightsglintinginhishairundertheauditoriumlights.helookssoseriousandself-contained.ashesits,heundoeshissingle-breastedjacket,andi

glimpsehistie.holyshit…thattie!irubmywristsreflexively.icannottakemyeyesoffhim–hisbeautyasdistractingasever–andhe’swearingthattie,onpurposenodoub一t.icanfeelmymouthpressintoahardline.theaudiencesitsdownandtheapplauseceases.

“lookathim!”oneofthegirlsbesidemebreathesenthusiasticallytoherfriend.

“he’shot.”

istiffen.i’msurethey’renottalkingaboutprofessorcollins.

“mustbechristiangrey.”

“ishesingle?”

ibristle.

“idon’tthinkso,”imurmur.

“oh.”bothgirlslookatmeinsurprise.

“ithinkhe’sgay,”imutter.

“whatashame,”oneofthegirlsgroans.

asthechancellorgetstohisfeetandkicksofftheproceedingswithhisspeech,iwatchchristiansub一tlyscanningthehall.isinkintomyseat,hunchingmyshoulders,tryingtomakemyselfasinconspicuousaspossible.ifailmiserablyasasecondlaterhisgrayeyesfindmine.hestaresatme,hisfaceimpassive,completelyinscrutable.isquirmuncomfortably,hypnotizedbyhisglareasifeelaslowflushspreadacrossmyface.unbidden,irecallmydreamfromthismorning,andthemusclesinmybellydothedelectableclenchthing.iinhalesharply.icanseetheshadowofasmilecrosshislips,butit’sfleeting.hebrieflycloseshiseyes,andonopeningthem,resumeshisindifferentexpression.followingaswiftglanceupatthechancellor,hestaresahead,focusingonthewsuvemblemhungabovetheentrance.hedoesn’tturnhiseyestowardmeagain.thechancellordroneson,andchristianstilldoesn’tlookatme,hejuststaresfixedlyahead.

whywon’thelookatme?perhapshe’schangedhismind?awa一veofuneasewashesoverme.perhapswalkingoutonhimlastnightwastheendforhimtoo.he’sboredofwaitingformetomakeupmymind.ohno,icouldha一vecompletelyblownit.irememberhisemaillastnight.maybehe’smadthatiha一ven’treplied.