五十度灰(Fifty Shades of Grey)英文版 Part II 8

“you’regoingtounmanme,ana,”hewhispers

suddenly,breakingawayfrommeandkneelingup.he

brisklypullsdownhisjeansandhandsmeafoilpacket.

“youwantme,baby,andisureashellwantyou.you

knowwhattodo.”

withanxious,dexterousfingers,iripopenthefoiland

unrollthecondomoverhim.hegrinsdownatme,his

mouthopen,eyesmistygrayandfullofcarnalpromise.

leaningoverme,herubshisnoseagainstmine,hiseyes

closed,anddeliciously,slowly,heentersme.

igrasphisarmsandtiltmychinup,revelinginthe

exquisitelyfullfeelingofhispossession.herunshisteeth

alongmychin,easesback,andthenslidesintomeagain—

soslow,sosweet,sotender—hisbodypressingdownon

me,hiselbowsandhishandsoneithersideofmyface.

“youmakemeforgeteverything.youarethebest

therapy,”hebreathes,movingatanachinglyleisurelypace,

sa一voringeveryinchofme.

“please,christian—faster,”imurmur,wantingmore,

now.

“ohno,baby.ineedthisslow.”hekissesmesweetly,

gentlybitingmylowerlipandabsorbingmysoftmoans.

imovemyhandsintohishairandsurrendermyselfto

hisrhythmasslowlyandsurelymybodyclimbshigherand

higherandplateaus,thenfallshardandfastasicome

aroundhim.

“oh,ana,”hebreathesasheletsgo,mynamea

benedictiononhislipsashefindshisrelease.

hisheadrestsonmybelly,hisarmswrappedaroundme.

myfingersforageinhisunrulyhair,andwelielikethisfor

idon’tknowhowlong.it’ssolateandiamsotired,buti

justwanttoenjoythequietsereneafter-glowofmaking

lovewithchristiangrey,becausethat’swhatwe’vedone,

gentle,sweetlovemaking.

he’scomealongway,asha一vei,insuchashorttime.

it’salmosttoomuchtoabsorb.withallthefucked-up

stuff,iamlosingsightofhissimple,honestjourneywith

me.

“iwillnevergetenoughofyou.don’tlea一veme,”he

murmursandkissesmybelly.

“i’mnotgoinganywhere,christian,andiseemto

rememberthatiwantedtokissyourbelly,”igrumble

sleepily.

hegrinsagainstmyskin.“nothingstoppingyounow

baby.”

“idon’tthinkicanmovei’msotired.”

christiansighsandshiftsreluctantly,comingtolie

besidemewithhisheadonhiselbowanddraggingthe

coversoverus.hegazesdownatme,hiseyesglowing,

warm,loving.

“sleepnow,baby.”hekissesmyhairandwrapshis

armaroundmeandidrift.

wheniopenmyeyes,lightisfillingtheroom,makingme

blink.myheadisfuzzyfromlackofsleep.whereami?

oh—thehotel...

“hi,”christianmurmurs,smilingfondlyatme.he’s

lyingbesideme,fullydressed,ontopofthebed.how

longhashebeenhere?hashebeenstudyingme?

suddenly,ifeelincrediblyshyasmyfaceheatsunderhis

steadygaze.

“hi,”imurmur,gratefulthatiamlyingonmyfront.

“howlongha一veyoubeenwatchingme?”

“icouldwatchyousleepforhours,anastasia.buti’ve

onlybeenhereaboutfiveminutes.”heleansoverand

kissesmegently.“dr.greenewillbehereshortly.”

“oh.”i’dforgottenaboutchristian’sinappropriate

intervention.

“didyousleepwell?”heinquiresmildly.“certainly

seemedlikeittome,withallthatsnoring.”

oh,playfulteasingfifty.

“idonotsnore!”ipoutpetulantly.

“no.youdon’t.”hegrinsatme.thefaintlineofred

lipstickisstillvisiblearoundhisneck.

“didyoushower?”

“no.waitingforyou.”

“oh...okay.”

“whattimeisit?”

“tenfifteen.ididn’tha一vethehearttowakeyou

earlier.”

“youtoldmeyoudidn’tha一veaheartatall.”

hesmiles,sadlybutdoesn’tanswer.“breakfastishere

—pancakesandbaconforyou.come,getup,i’mgetting

lonelyouthere.”heswatsmesharplyonmybehind,

makingmejump,andrisesfromthebed.

hmm...christian’sversionofwarmaffection.

asistretch,i’mawareiacheallover...nodoub一ta

resultofallthesex,dancing,andteeteringinexpensive

high-heeledshoes.istaggeroutofbedandmakemyway

intothesumptuouslyappointedbathroomwhilegoingover

theeventsofthepreviousdayinmymind.whenicome

out,idononeoftheover-fluffybathrobesthathangona

brasspeginthebathroom.

leila—thegirlwholookslikeme—that’sthemost

startlingimagemybrainconjuresforconjecture,thatand

hereeriepresenceinchristian’sbedroom.whatdidshe

want?me?christian?todowhat?andwhythefuckhas

shewreckedmycar?

christiansaidiwouldha一veanotheraudi,likeallhis

submissives.thethoughtisunwelcome.sinceiwasso

generouswiththemoneyhega一veme,there’snotaloti

cando.

iwanderintothemainroomofthesuite—nosignof

christian.ifinallylocatehiminthediningroom.itakea

seat,gratefulfortheimpressivebreakfastlaidbeforeme.

christianisreadingthesundaypapersanddrinkingcoffee,

hisbreakfastfinished.hesmilesatme.

“eatup.you’regoingtoneedyourstrengthtoday,”he

teases.

“andwhyisthat?yougoingtolockmeinthe

bedroom?”myinnergoddessjerksawakesuddenly,all

disheveledwithajust-fuckedlook.

“appealingasthatideais,ithoughtwe’dgoout

today.getsomefreshair.”

“isitsafe?”iaskinnocently,tryingandfailingtokeep

theironyfrommyvoice.

christian’sfacefalls,andhismouthpressesinaline.

“wherewe’regoing,itis.andit’snotajokingmatter,”he

addssternly,narrowinghiseyes.

iflushandstaredownatmybreakfast.idon’tfeellike

beingscoldedafterallthedramaandsuchalatenight.i

eatmybreakfastinsilence,feelingpetulant.

mysubconsciousisshakingherheadatme.fifty

doesn’tjokeaboutmysafety—ishouldknowthisby

now.iwanttorollmyeyesathim,butirefrain.

okay,i’mtiredandtesty.ihadalongdayyesterday

andnotenoughsleep.why,ohwhydoeshegettolookas

freshasadaisy?lifeisnotfair.

there’saknockatthedoor.

“that’llbethegooddoctor,”christiangrumbles,

obviouslystillsmartingfrommyirony.hestalksfromthe

table.

can’twejustha一veacalm,normalmorning?isigh

hea一vily,lea一vinghalfmybreakfast,andgetuptogreet

doctordepo-provera.

we’reinthebedroom,anddr.greeneisstaringatme

open-mouthed.she’sdressedmorecasuallythanlasttime

inapalepinkcashmeretwinsetandblackpants,andher

fineblondhairisloose.

“andyoujuststoppedtakingit?justlikethat?”

iflush,feelingbeyondfoolish.

“yes.”couldmyvoicebeanysmaller?

“youcouldbepregnant,”shesaysmatter-of-factly.

what!theworldfallsawayatmyfeet.my

subconsciouscollapsesonthefloorretching,andithink

i’mgoingtobesick,too.no!

“here,gopeeinthis.”she’sallbusinesstoday—

takingnoprisoners.

meekly,iacceptthesmallplasticcontainershe’s

offeredandwanderinadazeintothebathroom.no.no.

no.noway...noway...pleaseno.no.

whatwillfiftydo?igopale.he’llfreak.

no,please!iwhisperasilentprayer.

ihanddr.greenemysample,andshecarefullyplaces

asmallwhitestickinit.

“whendidyourperiodstart?”

howamisupposedtothinkaboutsuchminutiaewhen

allicandoisstareanxiouslyatthewhitestick?

“er...wednesday?nottheonejustgone,theone

beforethat.junefirst.”

“andwhendidyoustoptakingthepill?”

“sunday.lastsunday.”

shepursesherlips.

“youshouldbeokay,”shesayssharply.“icantellby

yourexpressionthatanunplannedpregnancywouldnotbe

welcomenews.somedroxyprogesteroneisagoodideaif

youcan’tremembertotakethepilleveryday.”shegives

measternlook,andiquailunderherauthoritativeglare.

pickingupthewhitestick,shepeersatit.

“you’reintheclear.you’venotovulatedyet,so

providedyou’vebeentakingproperprecautions,you

shouldn’tbepregnant.now,letmecounselyouaboutthis

shot.wediscounteditlasttimebecauseoftheside

effects,butquitefrankly,thesideeffectsofachildarefarreaching

andgoonforyears.”shesmiles,pleasedwith

herselfandherlittlejoke,butican’tbegintorespond—

i’mtoostunned.

dr.greenelaunchesintofulldisclosuremodeabout

sideeffects,andisitparalyzedwithrelief,notlisteningtoa

word.ithinki’dtolerateanynumberofstrangewomen

standingattheendofmybedratherthanconfessto

christianthatimightbepregnant.

“ana!”dr.greenesnaps.“let’sdothisthing.”she

pullsmeoutofmyreverie,andiwillinglyrollupmy

sleeve.

christianclosesthedoorbehindherandgazesatme

warily.“everythingokay?”heasks.

inodmutely,andhetiltshisheadtooneside,hisface

tensewithconcern.

“anastasia,whatisit?whatdiddr.greenesay?”

ishakemyhead.“you’regoodtogoinsevendays,”i

mutter.

“sevendays?”

“yes.”

“ana,what’swrong?”

iswallow.“it’snothingtoworryabout.please,

christian,justlea一veit.”

christianloomsinfrontofme.hegraspsmychin,

tippingmyheadback,andstaresemphaticallyintomy

eyes,tryingtodeciphermypanic.

“tellme,”hesnapsinsistently.

“there’snothingtotell.i’dliketogetdressed.”ipull

mychinoutofhisreach.

hesighsandrunsahandthroughhishair,frowningat

me.“let’sshower,”hesayseventually.

“ofcourse,”imutter,distracted,andhismouthtwists.

“come,”hesayssulkily,claspingmyhandfirmly.he

stalkstowardthebathroomasitrailbehindhim.iamnot

theonlyoneinabadmood,itseems.firingupthe

shower,christianquicklystripsbeforeturningtome.

“idon’tknowwhat’supsetyou,orifyou’rejustbadtempered

throughlackofsleep,”hesayswhileunfastening

myrobe.“butiwantyoutotellme.myimaginationis

runningawaywithme,andidon’tlikeit.”

irollmyeyesathim,andheglaresbackatme,

narrowinghiseyes.shit!okay...heregoes.

“dr.greenescoldedmeaboutmissingthepill.she

saidicouldbepregnant.”

“what?”hepales,andhishandsfreezeashegazesat

me,suddenlyashen.

“buti’mnot.shedidatest.itwasashock,that’sall.

ican’tbelieveiwasthatstupid.”

hevisiblyrelaxes.“you’resureyou’renot?”

“yes.”

heblowsoutadeepbreath.“good.yes,icansee

thatnewslikethatwouldbeveryupsetting.”

ifrown....upsetting?“iwasmoreworriedabout

yourreaction.”

hefurrowshisbrowatme,puzzled.“myreaction?

well,naturallyi’mrelieved...itwouldbetheheightof

carelessnessandbadmannerstoknockyouup.”

“thenmaybeweshouldabstain,”isnap.

hegazesatmeforamoment,bewildered,asifi’m

somekindofscienceexperiment.“youareinabad

temperthismorning.”

“itwasjustashock,that’sall,”irepeatpetulantly.

claspingthelapelsofmyrobe,hepullsmeintoa

warmembrace,kissesmyhair,andpressesmyhead

againsthischest.i’mdistractedbyhischesthairasit

ticklesmycheek.oh,ificouldjustnuzzlehim!

“ana,i’mnotusedtothis,”hemurmurs.“mynatural

inclinationistobeatitoutofyou,butiseriouslydoub一tyou

wantthat.”

holyshit.“no,idon’t.thishelps.”ihugchristian

tighter,andwestandforanageinastrangeembrace,

christiannakedandmewrappedinarobe.iamonce

againflooredbyhishonesty.heknowsnothingabout

relationships,andneitherdoi,exceptwhati’velearned

fromhim.well,he’saskedforfaithandpatience;maybei

shoulddothesame.

“come,let’sshower,”christiansayseventually,

releasingme.

steppingback,hepeelsmeoutofmyrobe,andi

followhimintothecascadingwater,holdingmyfaceupto

thetorrent.there’sroomforbothofusunderthe

gargantuanshowerhead.christianreachesforthe

shampooandstartswashinghishair.hehandsittome

andifollowsuit.

oh,thisfeelsgood.closingmyeyes,isuccumbto

thecleansing,warmingwater.asirinseofftheshampoo,i

feelhishandsonme,soapingmybody:myshoulders,my

arms,undermyarms,mybreasts,myback.gentlyhe

turnsmearoundandpullsmeagainsthimashecontinues

downmybody:mystomach,mybelly,hisskilledfingers

betweenmylegs—hmm—mybehind.oh,thatfeelsgood

andsointimate.heturnsmearoundtofacehimagain.

“here,”hesaysquietly,handingmethebodywash.“i

wantyoutowashofftheremainsofthelipstick.”

myeyesopeninaflurryanddartquicklytohis.he’s

staringatmeintently,soakingwetandbeautiful,his

glorious,brightgrayeyesgivingnothingaway.

“don’tstrayfarfromtheline,please,”hemutters

tightly.

“okay,”imurmur,tryingtoabsorbtheenormityof

whathe’sjustaskedmetodo—totouchhimontheedge

oftheforbiddenzone.

isqueezeasmallamountofsoaponmyhand,rubmy

handstogethertocreatealather,thenplacethemonhis

shouldersandgentlywashawaythelineoflipstickoneach

side.hestillsandcloseshiseyes,hisfaceimpassive,but

he’sbreathingrapidly,andiknowit’snotlustbutfear.it

cutsmetothequick.

withtremblingfingers,icarefullyfollowthelinedown

thesideofhischest,soapingandrubbingsoftly,andhe

swallows,hisjawtenseasifhisteethareclenched.oh!

myheartconstrictsandmythroattightens.ohno,i’m

goingtocry.

istoptoaddmoresoaptomyhandandfeelhimrelax

infrontofme.ican’tlookupathim.ican’tbeartosee

hispain—it’stoomuch.iswallow.

“ready?”imurmurandthetensionisloudandclearin

myvoice.

“yes,”hewhispers,hisvoicehusky,lacedwithfear.

gently,iplacemyhandsoneithersideofhischest,

andhefreezesagain.

it’stoomuch.iamoverwhelmedbyhistrustinme—

overwhelmedbyhisfear,bythedamagedonetothis

beautiful,fallen,flawedman.

tearspoolinmyeyesandspilldownmyface,lostin

thewaterfromtheshower.oh,christian!whodidthis

toyou?

hisdiaphragmmovesrapidlywitheachshallowbreath,

hisbodyisrigid,tensionradiatingoffhiminwa一vesasmy

handsmovealongtheline,erasingit.oh,ificouldjust

eraseyourpain,iwould—i’ddoanything—andiwant

nothingmorethantokisseverysinglescarisee,tokiss

awaythosehideousyearsofneglect.butiknowican’t,

andmytearsfallunbiddendownmycheeks.

“no.please,don’tcry,”hemurmurs,hisvoice

anguishedashewrapsmetightlyinhisarms.“pleasedon’t

cryforme.”andiburstintofull-blownsobs,buryingmy

faceagainsthisneck,asithinkofalittleboylostinasea

offearandpain,frightened,neglected,abused—hurt

beyondallendurance.

pullingaway,heclaspsmyheadwithbothhands,tiltsit

backward,andleansdowntokissme.

“don’tcry,ana,please,”hemurmursagainstmy

mouth.“itwaslongago.iamachingforyoutotouchme,

butijustcan’tbearit.it’stoomuch.please,pleasedon’t

cry.”

“iwanttotouchyou,too.morethanyou’lleverknow.

toseeyoulikethis...sohurtandafraid,christian...it

woundsmedeeply.iloveyousomuch.”

herunshisthumbacrossmybottomlip.“iknow.i

know,”hewhispers.

“you’reveryeasytolove.don’tyouseethat?”

“no,baby,idon’t.”

“youare.andidoandsodoesyourfamily.sodo

elenaandleila—theyha一veastrangewayofshowingit—

buttheydo.youareworthy.”

“stop.”heputshisfingerovermylipsandshakeshis

head,anagonizedexpressiononhisface.“ican’thear

this.i’mnothing,anastasia.i’mahuskofaman.idon’t

ha一veaheart.”

“yes,youdo.andiwantit,allofit.you’reagood

man,christian,areallygoodman.don’teverdoub一tthat.

lookatwhatyou’vedone...whatyou’veachieved,”i

sob.“lookwhatyou’vedoneforme...whatyou’ve

turnedyourbackon,forme,”iwhisper.“iknow.iknow

howyoufeelaboutme.”

hegazesdownatme,hiseyeswideandpanicked,

andallwecanhearisthesteadystreamofwaterasit

flowsoverusintheshower.

“youloveme,”iwhisper.

hiseyeswidenfurtherandhismouthopens.hetakes

ahugebreathasifwinded.helookstortured—vulnerable.

“yes,”hewhispers.“ido.”

icannotcontainmyjubilation.mysubconsciousgapesat

meopen-mouthed—instunnedsilence—andiweara

face-splittinggrinasigazelonginglyupintochristian’s

wide,torturedeyes.

hissoftsweetconfessioncallstomeonsomedeep

elementallevelasifhe’sseekingabsolution;histhreesmall

wordsaremymannafromhea一ven.tearsprickmyeyes

oncemore.yes,youdo.iknowyoudo.

it’ssuchaliberatingrealizationasifacrushing

millstonehasbeentossedaside.thisbeautiful,fucked-up

man,whomioncethoughtofasmyromantichero—

strong,solitary,mysterious—possessesallthesetraits,but

he’salsofragileandalienatedandfullofself-loathing.my

heartswellswithjoybutalsopainforhissuffering.andi

knowinthismomentthatmyheartisbigenoughforboth

ofus.ihopeit’sbigenoughforbothofus.

ireachuptoclasphisdear,dear,handsomefaceand

kisshimgently,pouringalltheloveifeelintothisone

sweetconnection.iwanttodevourhimbeneaththehot

cascadingwater.christiangroansandencirclesmeinhis

arms,holdingmeasifiamtheairheneedstobreathe.

“oh,ana,”hewhispershoarsely,“iwantyou,butnot

here.”

“yes,”imurmurferventlyintohismouth.

heswitchesofftheshowerandtakesmyhand,leading

meoutandenfoldingmeinmybathrobe.grabbinga

towel,hewrapsitaroundhiswaist,thentakesasmaller

oneandbeginstogentlydrymyhair.whenhe’ssatisfied,

heswathesthetowelaroundmyheadsothatinthelarge

mirroroverthesinkilooklikei’mwearingaveil.he’s

standingbehindmeandoureyesmeetinthemirror,

smolderinggraytobrightblue,anditgivesmeanidea.

“canireciprocate?”iask.

henods,thoughhisbrowcreases.ireachforanother

towelfromtheplethoraoffluffytowelsstackedbesidethe

vanity,andstandingbeforehimontiptoe,istarttodryhis

hair.hebendsforward,makingtheprocesseasier,andas

icatchtheoccasionalglimpseofhisfacebeneaththe

towel,iseehe’sgrinningatmelikeasmallboy.

“it’salongtimesinceanyonedidthistome.avery

longtime,”hemurmurs,butthenfrowns.“infactidon’t

thinkanyone’severdriedmyhair.”

“surelygracedid?driedyourhairwhenyouwere

young?”

heshakeshishead,hamperingmyprogress.

“no.sherespectedmyboundariesfromdayone,

eventhoughitwaspainfulforher.iwasveryself-sufficient

asachild,”hesaysquietly.

ifeelaswiftkickintheribsasithinkofasmall

copper-hairedchildlookingafterhimselfbecausenoone

elsecares.thethoughtissickeninglysad.butidon’twant

mymelancholytohijackthisblossomingintimacy.

“well,i’mhonored,”igentlyteasehim.

“thatyouare,misssteele.ormaybeitisiwhoam

honored.”

“thatgoeswithoutsaying,mr.grey,”irespond

tartly.

ifinishwithhishair,reachforanothersmalltowel,and

moveroundtostandbehindhim.oureyesmeetagainin

themirror,andhiswatchful,questioninglookpromptsme

tospeak.

“canitrysomething?”

afteramoment,henods.warily,andverygently,i

runthesoftclothdownhisleftarm,soakingupthewater

thathasbeadedonhisskin.glancingup,icheckhis

expressioninthemirror.heblinksatme,hiseyesburning

intomine.

ileanforwardandkisshisbicep,andhislipspart

infinitesimally.idryhisotherarminasimilarfashion,

trailingkissesaroundhisbicep,andasmallsmileplayson

hislips.carefully,iwipehisbackbeneaththefaintlipstick

line,whichisstillvisible.ihadn’tgottenroundtowashing

hisback.

“wholeback,”hesaysquietly,“withthetowel.”he

takesasharpbreathandscrewshiseyesclosedasi

brisklydryhim,carefultotouchhimonlywiththetowel.

hehassuchanattractiveback—broad,sculptured

shoulders,allthesmallmusclesclearlydefined.hereally

looksafterhimself.thebeautifulsightismarredonlybyhis

scars.

withdifficulty,iignorethemandsuppressmy

overwhelmingurgetokisseachandeveryone.wheni

finishheexhales,andileanforwardandrewardhimwitha

kissonhisshoulder.puttingmyarmsaroundhim,idryhis

stomach.oureyesmeetoncemoreinthemirror,his

expressionamusedbutwary,too.

“holdthis.”ihandhimasmallerfacetowel,andhe

givesmeabemusedfrown.“rememberingeorgia?you

mademetouchmyselfusingyourhands,”iadd.

hisfacedarkens,butiignorehisreactionandputmy

armsaroundhim.gazingatusbothinthemirror—his

beauty,hisnakedness,andmewithmycoveredhair—we

lookalmostbiblical,asiffromanoldtestamentbaroque

painting.

ireachforhishand,whichhewillinglyentruststome,

andguideituptohischesttodryit,sweepingthetowel

slowly,awkwardlyacrosshisbody.once,twice—then

again.he’scompletelyimmobilized,rigidwithtension,

exceptforhiseyes,whichfollowmyhandclaspedaround

his.

mysubconsciouslooksonwithapproval,hernormally

pursedmouthsmiling,andiamthesupremepuppet

master.hisanxietyripplesoffhisbackinwa一ves,buthe

maintainseyecontact,thoughhiseyesaredarker,more

deadly.showingtheirsecretsmaybe.

isthisaplaceiwanttogo?doiwanttoconfronthis

demons?

“ithinkyou’redrynow,”iwhisperasidropmyhand,

gazingintothegraydepthsofhiseyesinthemirror.his

breathingisaccelerated,lipsparted.

“ineedyou,anastasia,”hewhispers.

“ineedyou,too.”andasisaythewords,iamstruck

howtruetheyare.icannotimaginebeingwithout

christian,ever.

“letmeloveyou,”hesayshoarsely.

“yes,”ianswer,andturning,hehaulsmeintohisarms,

hislipsseekingmine,beseechingme,worshippingme,

cherishingme...lovingme.

hetrailshisfingersupanddownmyspineaswegazeat

eachother,baskinginourpostcoitalbliss,replete.welie

together,meonmyfronthuggingmypillow,heonhisside,

andiamtreasuringhistendertouch.iknowthatrightnow

heneedstotouchme.iamabalmforhim,asourceof

solace,andhowcouldidenyhimthat?ifeelexactlythe

sameabouthim.

“soyoucanbegentle,”imurmur.

“hmm...soitwouldseem,misssteele.”

igrin.“youweren’tparticularlythefirsttimewe...

um,didthis.”

“no?”hesmirks.“when,irobbedyouofyour

virtue.”

“idon’tthinkyourobbedme,”imutterhaughtily

—jeez,i’mnotahelplessmaiden.“ithinkmyvirtue

wasofferedupprettyfreelyandwillingly.iwantedyou,

too,andifiremembercorrectly,iratherenjoyedmyself.”

ismileshylyathim,bitingmylip.

“sodidiifirecall,misssteele.weaimtoplease,”he

drawlsandhisfacesoftens,serious.“anditmeansyou’re

mine,completely.”alltraceofhumorhasvanishedashe