ilaythereforhalfhourtryingtomakeupmymindwhattodo.partofmewantedtolethimgetgoodanddrunkandseeifanythingcameout.ididn’tthinkanythingmuchwouldhappentohiminhisownstudyinhisownhouse.hemightfalldownagainbutitwouldbealongtime.theguyhadcapacity.andsomehowadrunkneverhurtshimselfverybadly.hemightgetbackhismoodofguilt.morelikely,thistimehewouldjustgotosleep.

theotherpartofmewantedtogetoutandstayout,butthiswasthepartineverlistenedto.becauseifieverhadiwouldhavestayedinthetownwhereiwasbornandworkedinthehardwarestoreandmarriedtheboss’sdaughterandhadfivekidsandreadthemthefunnypaperonsundaymorningandsmackedtheirheadswhentheygotoutoflineandsquabbledwiththewifeabouthowmuchspendingmoneytheyweretogetandwhatprogramstheycouldhaveontheradioortvset.imightevenhavegotrich—small-townrich,aneight-roomhouse,twocarsinthegarage,chickeneverysundayandthereader’sdigestonthelivingroomtable,thewifewithacast-ironpermanentandmewithabrainlikeasackofportlandcement.youtakeit,friend.i’lltakethebigsordiddirtycrookedcity.

igotupandwentbacktothestudy.hewasjustsittingtherestaringatnothing,thescotchbottlemorethanhalfempty,aloosefrownonhisfaceandadullglitterinhiseyes.helookedatmelikeahorselookingoverafence.

「whatd’youwant?」

「nothing.youallright?」

「don’tbotherme.ihavealittlemanonmyshouldertellingmestories.」

igotanothersandwichofftheteawagonandanotherglassofbeer.imunchedthesandwichanddrankthebeer,leaningagainsthisdesk.

「knowsomething?」heaskedsuddenly,andhisvoicesuddenlyseemedmuchmoreclear.「ihadamalesecretaryonce.usedtodictatetohim.lethimgo.hebotheredmesittingtherewaitingformetocreate.mistake.oughttohavekepthim.wordwouldhavegotaroundiwasahomo.thecleverboysthatwritebookreviewsbecausetheycan’twriteanythingelsewouldhavecaughtonandstartedgivingmethebuildup.havetotakecareoftheirown,youknow.they’reallqueers,everydamnoneofthem.thequeeristheartisticarbiterofourage,chum.thepervertisthetopguynow.」

「thatso?alwaysbeenaround,hasn’the?」

hewasn’tlookingatme.hewasjusttalking.butheheardwhatisaid.

「sure,thousandsofyears.andespeciallyinallthegreatagesofart.athens,rome,therenaissance,theelizabethanage,theromanticmovementinfrance—loadedwiththem.queersallovertheplace.everreadthegoldenbough?no,toolongforyou.shorterversionthough.oughttoreadit.provesoursexualhabitsarepureconventionslike—wearingablacktiewithadinnerjacket.me.i’masexwriter,butwithfrillsandstraight.」

helookedupatmeandsneered.「youknowsomething?i’maliar.myheroesareeightfeettallandmyheroineshavecallousesontheirbottomsfromlyinginbedwiththeirkneesup.laceandruffles,swordsandcoaches,eleganceandleisure,duelsandgallantdeath.alllies.theyusedperfumeinsteadofsoap,theirteethrottedbecausetheynevercleanedthem,theirfingernailssmelledofstalegravy.thenobilityoffranceurinatedagainstthewallsinthemarblecorridorsofversailles,andwhenyoufinallygotseveralsetsofunderclothesoffthelovelymarquisethefirstthingyounoticedwasthatsheneededabath.ioughttowriteitthatway.」

「whydon’tyou?」

hechuckled.「sure,andliveinafive-roomhouseincompton—ifiwasthatlucky.」hereacheddownandpattedthewhiskeybottle.「you’relonely,pal.youneedcompany.」

hegotupandwalkedfairlysteadilyoutoftheroom.iwaited,thinkingaboutnothing.aspeedboatcameracketingdownthelake.whenitcameinsighticouldseethatitwashighoutofthewateronitsstepandtowingasurfboardwithahuskysunburnedladonit.iwentovertothefrenchwindowsandwatcheditmakeasweepingturn.toofast,thespeedboatalmostturnedover.thesurfboardriderdancedononefoottryingtoholdhisbalance,thenwentshootingoffintothewater.thespeedboatdriftedtoastopandthemaninthewatercameuptoitinalazycrawl,thenwentbackalongthetowropeandrolledhimselfontothesurfboard.

wadecamebackwithanotherbottleofwhiskey.thespeedboatpickedupandwentoffintothedistance.wadeputhisfreshbottledownbesidetheother.hesatdownandbrooded.

「christ,you’renotgoingtodrinkallthat,areyou?」

hesquintedhiseyesatme.「takeoff,buster.goonhomeandmopthekitchenfloororsomething.you’reinmylight.」hisvoicewasthickagain.hehadtakenacoupleinthekitchen,asusual.

「ifyouwantme,holler.」

「icouldn’tgetlowenoughtowantyou.」

「yeah,thanks.i’llbearounduntilmrs.wadecomeshome.everhearofanybodynamedpaulmarston?」

hisheadcameupslowly.hiseyesfocused,butwitheffort.icouldseehimfightingforcontrol.hewonthefightforthemoment.hisfacebecameexpressionless.