thereisonlypain.myhead,mychest...burningpain.myside,myarm.
pain.painandhushedwordsinthegloom.whereami?thoughitry,i
cannotopenmyeyes.thewhisperedwordsbecomeclearer...abeaconin
thedarkness.
「herribsarebruised,mr.grey,andshehasahairlinefracturetoherskull,
buthervitalsignsarestableandstrong.」
「whyisshestillunconscious?」
「mrs.greyhashadamajorcontusiontoherhead.butherbrainactivityis
normal,andshehasnocerebralswelling.she’llwakewhenshe’sready.just
givehersometime.」
「andthebaby?」thewordsareanguished,breathless.
「thebaby’sfine,mr.grey.」
「oh,thankgod.」thewordsarealitany...aprayer.「oh,thankgod.」
ohmy.he’sworriedaboutthebaby...thebaby?...littleblip.ofcourse.
mylittleblip.itryinvaintomovemyhandtomybelly.nothingmoves,
nothingresponds.
「andthebaby?...oh,thankgod.」
littleblipissafe.
「andthebaby?...oh,thankgod.」
hecaresaboutthebaby.
「andthebaby?...oh,thankgod.」
hewantsthebaby.ohthankgod.irelax,andunconsciousnessclaimsme
oncemore,stealingmeawayfromthepain.
oncemore,stealingmeawayfromthepain.
everythingishea一vyandaching:limbs,head,eyelids,nothingwillmove.my
eyesandmouthareresolutelyshut,unwillingtomove,lea一vingmeblindand
muteandaching.asisurfacefromthefog,consciousnesshovers,a
seductivesirenjustoutofreach.soundsbecomevoices.
428|page
eljames
「i’mnotlea一vingher.」
christian!he’shere...iwillmyselftowake—hisvoiceisstrained,an
agonizedwhisper.
「christian,youshouldsleep.」
「no,dad.iwanttobeherewhenshewakesup.」
「i’llsitwithher.it’stheleasticandoaftershesa一vedmydaughter.」
mia!
「how’smia?」
「she’sgroggy...scaredandangry.it’llbeafewhoursbeforetherohypnol
iscompletelyoutofhersystem.」
「christ.」
「iknow.i’mfeelingsevenkindsoffoolishforrelentingonhersecurity.you
warnedme,butmiaissostubborn.ifitwasn’tforanahere...」
「weallthoughthydewasoutofthepicture.andmycrazy,stupidwife—why
didn’tshetellme?」christian’svoiceisfullofanguish.
「christian,calmdown.ana’saremarkableyoungwoman.shewas
incrediblybra一ve.」
「bra一veandheadstrongandstubbornandstupid.」hisvoicecracks.
「hey,」carrickmurmurs,「don’tbesohardonher,oryourself,son...i’d
bettergetbacktoyourmom.it’safterthreeinthemorning,christian.you
reallyshouldtrytosleep.」
thefogclosesin.
thefogliftsbutiha一venosenseoftime.
「ifyoudon’ttakeheracrossyourknee,isureashellwill.whatthehellwas
shethinking?」
「trustme,ray,ijustmightdothat.」
dad!he’shere.ifightthefog...fight...butispiraldownoncemoreinto
oblivion.no...
「detective,asyoucansee,mywifeisnostatetoansweranyofyour
questions.」christianisangry.
「she’saheadstrongyoungwoman,mr.grey.」
「iwishshe’dkilledthefucker.」
429|page
fiftyshadesfreed
「thatwouldha一vemeantmorepaperworkforme,mr.grey...」
「missmorganissingingliketheproverbialcanary.hyde’sarealtwistedson
ofabitch.hehasaseriousgrudgeagainstyourfatherandyou...」
thefogsurroundsmeoncemore,andi’mdraggeddown...down.no!
「whatdoyoumeanyouweren’ttalking?」it’sgrace.shesoundsangry.itry
tomovemyhead,buti’mmetwitharesounding,listlesssilencefrommy
body.
「whatdidyoudo?」
「mom—」
「christian!whatdidyoudo?」
「iwassoangry.」it’salmostasob...no.
「hey...」
theworlddipsandblursandi’mgone.
ihearsoftgarbledvoices.
「youtoldmeyou’dcutallties.」graceistalking.hervoiceisquiet,
admonishing.
「iknow.」christiansoundsresigned.「butseeingherfinallyputitallin
perspectiveforme.youknow...withthechild.forthefirsttimeifelt...
whatwedid...itwaswrong.」
「whatshediddarling...childrenwilldothattoyou.makeyoulookatthe
worldinadifferentlight.」
「shefinallygotthemessage...andsodidi...ihurtana,」hewhispers.
「wealwayshurttheoneswelove,darling.you’llha一vetotellheryou’resorry.
andmeanitandgivehertime.」
「shesaidshewaslea一vingme.」
no.no.no!
「didyoubelieveher?」
「atfirst,yes.」
「darling,youalwaysbelievetheworstofeveryone,includingyourself.you
alwaysha一ve.analovesyouverymuch,andit’sobvious430|page
eljames
youloveher.」
「shewasmadatme.」
「i’msureshewas.i’mprettymadatyourightnow.ithinkyoucanonlybetruly
madatsomeoneyoureallylove.」
「ithoughtaboutit,andshe’sshownmeoverandoverhowmuchsheloves
me...tothepointofputtingherownlifeindanger.」
「yes,shehas.oh,mom,whywon’tshewakeup?」hisvoicecracks.「inearly
losther.」
christian!therearemuffledsobs.no...oh...thedarknessclosesin.no
—
「it’stakentwenty-fouryearsforyoutoletmeholdyoulikethis..」
「iknow,mom...i’mgladwetalked.」
「metoo,darling.i’malwayshere.ican’tbelievei’mgoingtobea
grandmother.」
grandma!
sweetoblivionbeckons.
hmm.hisstubblesoftlyscrapesthebackofmyhandashesqueezesmy
fingers.
「oh,baby,pleasecomebacktome.i’msorry.sorryforeverything.just
wakeup.imissyou.iloveyou...」
itry.itry.iwanttoseehim.butmybodydisobeysme,andifallasleeponce
more.
iha一veapressingneedtopee.iopenmyeyes.i’mintheclean,sterile
environmentofahospitalroom.it’sdarkexceptforasidelight,andallis
quiet.myheadandmychestaches,butmorethanthat,mybladderis
bursting.ineedtopee.itestmylimbs.myrightarmsmarts,andinoticethe
ivattachedtoitontheinsideofmyelbow.ishutmyeyesquickly.turningmy
head—i’mpleasedthatitrespondstomywill—iopenmyeyesagain.
christianisasleep,sittingbesidemeandleaningonmybedwithhishead
onhisfoldedarms.ireachout,gratefuloncemorethatmybodyresponds,
andrunmyfingersthroughhissofthair.431|page
fiftyshadesfreed
he’sstartledawake,raisinghisheadsosuddenlymyhandfallsweaklyback
ontothebed.
「hi,」icroak.
「oh,ana.」hisvoiceischokedandrelieved.hegraspsmyhand,squeezing
ittightlyandholdingitupagainsthisrough,stubbledcheek.
「ineedtousethebathroom,」iwhisper.
hegapesthenfrownsatmeforamoment.「okay.」
istruggletositup.
「ana,staystill.i’llcallanurse.」hequicklystands,alarmed,andreachesfora
buzzeronthebedside.
「please,」iwhisper.whydoiacheeverywhere?「ineedtogetup.」
jeez,ifeelsoweak.
「willyoudoasyou’retoldforonce?」hesnaps,exasperated.
「ireallyneedtopee,」irasp.mythroatandmoutharesodry.anursebustles
intotheroom.shemustbeinherfifties,thoughherhairisjetblack.she
wearsoverlargepearlearrings.
「mrs.greywelcomeback.i’llletdr.bartleyknowyou’reawake.」
shemakesherwaytomybedside.「mynameisnora.doyouknowwhere
youare?」
「yes.hospital.ineedtopee.」
「youha一veacatheter.」
what?ohthisisgross.iglanceanxiouslyatchristianthenbacktothe
nurse.
「please.iwanttogetup.」
「mrs.grey.」
「please.」
「ana,」christianwarns.istruggletosituponcemore.
「letmeremoveyourcatheter.mr.greyiamsuremrs.greywouldlikesome
privacy.」shelookspointedlyatchristian,dismissinghim.
「i’mnotgoinganywhere.」heglaresbackather.
「christian,please,」iwhisper,reachingoutandgraspinghishand.brieflyhe
squeezesmyhandthengivesmeanexasperatedlook.
「please,」ibeg.
「fine!」hesnapsandrunshishandthroughhishair.「youha一vetwominutes,」
hehissesatthenurse,andheleansdownandkissesmyforeheadbefore
turningonhisheelandlea一vingtheroom.432|page
eljames
christianburstsbackintotheroomtwominuteslaterasnursenorais
helpingmeoutofbed.i’mdressedinathinhospitalgown.idon’tremember
beingstripped.
「letmetakeher,」hesaysandstridestowardus.
「mr.grey,icanmanage.」nursenorascoldshim.
hegivesherahostileglare.「dammit,she’smywife.i’lltakeher.」
hesaysthroughgrittedteethashemovestheivstandoutofhisway.
「mr.grey!」sheprotests.
heignoresher,leansdown,andgently,heliftsmeoffthebed.iwrapmy
armsaroundhisneck,mybodycomplaining.jeez,iacheeverywhere.he
carriesmetotheensuitebathroomwhilenursenorafollowsus,pushingthe
ivstand.
「mrs.grey,you’retoolight,」hemuttersdisapprovinglyashesetsmegently
onmyfeet.isway.mylegsfeellikejell-o.christianflipsthelightswitch,and
i’mmomentarilyblindedbythefluorescentlampthatpingsandflickerstolife.
「sitbeforeyoufall,」hesnaps,stillholdingme.
tentatively,isitdownonthetoilet.
「go.」itrytowa一vehimout.
「no.justpee,ana.」
couldthisbeanymoreembarrassing?「ican’t,notwithyouhere.」
「youmightfall.」
「mr.grey!」
webothignorethenurse.
「please,」ibeg.
heraiseshishandsindefeat.「i’llstandoutside,dooropen.」hetakesa
coupleofpacesbackuntilhe’sstandingjustoutsidethedoorwiththeangry
nurse.
「turnaround,please,」iask.whydoifeelsoridiculouslyshywiththisman?
herollshiseyesbutcomplies.andwhenhisbackisturned...iletgo,and
sa一vortherelief.
itakestockofmyinjuries.myheadhurts,mychestacheswherejackkicked
me,andmysidethrobswherehepushedmetotheground.plusi’mthirsty
andhungry.jeez,reallyhungry.ifinishup,thankfulthatidon’tha一vetogetup
towashmyhands,asthesinkisclose.ijustdon’tha一vethestrengthtostand.
433|page
fiftyshadesfreed
「i’mdone,」icall,dryingmyhandsonthetowel.
christianturnsandcomesbackinandbeforeiknowit,i’minhisarmsagain.
iha一vemissedthesearms.hepausesandburieshisnoseinmyhair.
「oh,i’vemissedyou,mrs.grey,」hewhispers,andwithnursenorafussing
behindhim,helaysmebackonthebedandreleasesme—reluctantly,i
think.
「ifyou’vequitefinished,mr.grey,i’dliketocheckovermrs.greynow.」
nursenoraismad.
hestandsback.「she’sallyours,」hesaysinamoremeasuredtone.she
huffsathimthenturnsherattentionbacktome.exasperatingisn’the?
「howdoyoufeel?」sheasksmehervoicelacedwithsympathyandatrace
ofirritation,whichisuspectisforchristian’sbenefit.
「sore,andthirsty.verythirsty,」iwhisper.
「i’llfetchyousomewateroncei’vecheckedyourvitalsanddr.bartleyhas
examinedyou.」
shereachesforabloodpressurecuffandwrapsitaroundmyupperarm.i
glanceanxiouslyupatchristian.helooksdreadful—haunted,even—asifhe
hasn’tsleptfordays.hishairisamess,hehasn’tsha一vedforalongtime,
andhisshirtisbadlywrinkled.ifrown.
「howareyoufeeling?」ignoringthenurse,hesitsdownonthebedoutof
arm’sreach.
「confused.achy.hungry.」
「hungry?」heblinksinsurprise.
inod.
「whatdoyouwanttoeat?」
「anything.soup.」
「mr.grey,you’llneedtothedoctor’sapprovalbeforemrs.greycaneat.」
hegazesatherimpassivelyforamomentthentakeshisblackberryoutof
hispantspocketandpressesanumber.
「anawantschickensoup...good...thankyou.」hehangsup.iglanceat
norawhoseeyesnarrowatchristian.
「taylor?」iaskquickly.
christiannods.
「yourbloodpressureisnormal,mrs.grey.i’llfetchthedoctor.」
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eljames
sheremovesthecuffand,withoutsomuchasanotherword,stalksoutofthe
room,radiatingdisapproval.
「ithinkyoumadenursenoramad.」
「iha一vethateffectonwomen.」hesmirks.
ilaugh,thenstopsuddenlyaspainradiatesthroughmychest.「yes,youdo.」
「ohana,ilovetohearyoulaugh.」
norareturnswithapitcherofwater.webothfallsilent,gazingateachother
asshepoursoutaglassandhandsittome.
「smallsipsnow,」shewarns.
「yes,ma’am,」imutterandtakeawelcomesipofcoolwater.ohmy.ittastes
perfect.itakeanother,andchristianwatchesmeintently.
「mia?」iask.
「she’ssafe.thankstoyou.」
「theydidha一veher?」
「yes.」
allthemadnesswasforareason.reliefspiralsthroughmybody.thank
god,thankgod,thankgodshe’sokay.ifrown.
「howdidtheygether?」
「elizabethmorgan,」hesayssimply.
「no!」
henods.「shepickedherupatmia’sgym.」
ifrown,stillnotunderstanding.
「ana,i’llfillyouinonthedetailslater.miaisfine,allthingsconsidered.she
wasdrugged.she’sgroggynowandshakenup,butbysomemiracleshe
wasn’tharmed.」christian’sjawclenches.「whatyoudid」—herunshishand
throughhishair—「wasincrediblybra一veandincrediblystupid.youcouldha一ve
beenkilled.」hiseyesblazeableak,chillinggray,andiknowhe’srestraining
hisanger.
「ididn’tknowwhatelsetodo,」iwhisper.
「youcouldha一vetoldme!」hesaysvehemently,fistinghishandsinhislap.
「hesaidhe’dkillherifitoldanyone.icouldn’ttakethatrisk.」
christiancloseshiseyes,dreadetchedinhisface.
「iha一vediedathousanddeathssincethursday.」
thursday?
「whatdayisit?」
435|page
fiftyshadesfreed
「it’salmostsaturday,」hesays,checkinghiswatch.「you’vebeen
unconsciousforovertwenty-fourhours.」
oh.
「andjackandelizabeth?」
「inpolicecustody.althoughhydeishereunderguard.theyhadtoremove
thebulletyouleftinhim,」christiansaysbitterly.「idon’tknowwhereinthis
hospitalheis,fortunately,ori’dprobablykillhimmyself.」hisfacedarkens.
ohshit.jackishere?
「that’sforsipyoufuckingbitch!」ipale.myemptystomachconvulses,tears
prickmyeyes,andadeepshudderrunsthroughme.
「hey.」christianscootsforward,hisvoicefilledwithconcern.takingthe
glassfrommyhand,hetenderlyfoldsmeintohisarms.
「you’resafenow,」hemurmursagainstmyhair,hisvoicehoarse.
「christian,i’msosorry.」mytearsstarttofall.
「hush.」hestrokesmyhair,andiweepintohisneck.
「whatisaid.iwasnevergoingtolea一veyou.」
「hush,baby,iknow.」
「youdo?」hisadmissionhaltsmytears.
「iworkeditout.eventually.honestly,ana,whatwereyouthinking?」histone
isstrained.
「youtookmebysurprise,」imutterintohisshirtcollar.「whenwespokeatthe
bank.thinkingiwaslea一vingyou.ithoughtyouknewmebetter.i’vesaidto
youoverandoveriwouldneverlea一ve.」
「butaftertheappallingwayi’vebeha一ved—」hisvoiceisbarelyaudible,and
hisarmstightenaroundme.「ithoughtforashorttimethati’dlostyou.」
「no,christian.never.ididn’twantyoutointerfere,andputmia’slifein
danger.」
hesighs,andidon’tknowifit’sfromanger,exasperation,orhurt.
「howdidyouworkitout?」iaskquicklytodistracthimfromhislineof
thought.reachingup,hetucksmyhairbehindmyear.
「i’djusttoucheddowninseattlewhenthebankcalled.lasti’dheard,you
wereillandgoinghome.」
「soyouwereinportlandwhensawyercalledyoufromthecar?」
「wewerejustabouttotakeoff.iwasworriedaboutyou,」hesayssoftly.
436|page
eljames
「youwere?」
hefrowns.「ofcourseiwas.」heskirtshisthumbovermybottomlip.「ispend
mylifeworryingaboutyou.youknowthat.」
oh,christian!
「jackcalledmeattheoffice,」imurmur.「hega一vemetwohourstogetthe
money.」ishrug.「ihadtolea一ve,anditjustseemedthebestexcuse.」
christian’smouthpressesintoahardline.「andyouga一vesawyertheslip.
he’smadatyou,aswell.」
「aswell?」
「aswellasme.」
ireachupandtentativelytouchhisface,runningmyfingersoverhisstubble.
hecloseshiseyes,leaningintomyfingers.
「don’tbemadatme.please,」iwhisper.
「iamsomadatyou.whatyoudidwasmonumentallystupid.borderingon
insane.」
「itoldyou,ididn’tknowwhatelsetodo.」