五十度灰(Fifty Shades of Grey)英文版 Part II 18

oh,please,lethimbeokay.hecannotbegone.heis

thecenterofmyuniverse.

aninvoluntarysobescapesmythroat,andiclutchmy

handtomymouth.no.imustbestrong.

joséissuddenlyatmyside,orhashebeentherea

while?iha一venoidea.

“doyouwanttocallyourmomordad?”heasks

gently.

no!ishakemyheadandclutchjosé’shand.icannot

speak,iknowiwilldissolveifido,butthewarmthand

gentlesqueezeofhishandoffersmenosolace.

oh,mom.myliptremblesatthethoughtofmy

mother.shouldicallher?no.icouldn’tdealwithher

reaction.mayberay,hewouldn’tgetemotional—he

nevergetsemotional,notevenwhenthemarinerslose.

gracerisestojointheboys,distractingme.thatmust

bethelongestshe’ssatstill.miacomestositbesideme

tooandgrabsmyotherhand.

“hewillcomeback,”shesays,hervoiceinitially

determinedbutcrackingonthelastword.hereyesare

wideandred-rimmed,herfacepaleandpinchedfromlack

ofsleep.

igazeupatethan,whoiswatchingmiaandelliot,

whohashisarmsaroundgrace.iglanceattheclock.it’s

aftereleven,headingtowardmidnight.damntime!with

eachpassinghour,theclawingemptinessexpands,

consumingme,chokingme.iknowdeepdowninsidei

ampreparingmyself,preparingmyselffortheworst.i

closemyeyesandofferupanothersilentprayer,clasping

bothmiaandjosé’shands.

openingthemagain,istareintotheflamesoncemore.

icanseehisshysmile—myfa一voriteofallhisexpressions,

aglimpseoftherealchristian,myrealchristian.heisso

manypeople:controlfreak,ceo,stalker,sexgod,dom

—andatthesametime—suchaboywithhistoys.ismile.

hiscar,hisboat,hisplane...charlietango...no...

no...mylostboy,trulylostrightnow.mysmilefades

andpainlancesthroughme.irememberhiminthe

shower,wipingawaythelipstickmarks.

“i’mnothing,anastasia.i’mahuskofaman.i

don’tha一veaheart.”

thelumpinmythroatexpands.oh,christian,youdo,

youdoha一veaheart,andit’smine.iwanttocherishit

forever.eventhoughhe’ssocomplexanddifficult,ilove

him.iwillalwayslovehim.therewillneverbeanyone

else.ever.

iremembersittinginstarbucksweighingupmy

christianprosandcons.allthosecons,eventhose

photographsifoundthismorning,meltintoinsignificance

now.there’sjusthimandwhetherhe’llcomeback.oh

please,lord,bringhimback,pleaselethimbeokay.

i’llgotochurch...i’lldoanything.oh,ifigethim

back,ishallseizetheday.hisvoiceechoesaroundmy

headoncemore:“carpediem,ana.”

igazedeeperintothefire,theflamesstilllickingand

curlingaroundeachother,blazingbrightly.thengrace

shrieks,andeverythinggoesintoslowmotion.

“christian!”

iturnmyheadintimetoseegracebarrelingacross

thegreatroomfromwhereshehadbeenpacing

somewherebehindme,andthereintheentrancestandsa

dismayedchristian.he’sdressedinjusthisshirtsleeves

andsuitpants,andhe’sholdinghisna一vyjacket,shoes,and

socks.helookstired,dirty,andutterlybeautiful.

holyfuck...christian.he’salive.igazenumblyat

him,tryingtoworkoutifi’mhallucinatingorifhe’sreally

here.

hisexpressionisoneofutterbewilderment.he

depositshisjacketandshoesonthefloorintimetocatch

grace,whothrowsherarmsaroundhisneckandkisses

himhardonthecheek.

“mom?”

christiangazesdownather,completelyataloss.

“ithoughti’dneverseeyouagain,”gracewhispers,

voicingourcollectivefear.

“mom,i’mhere.”iheartheconsternationinhisvoice.

“idiedathousanddeathstoday,”shewhispers,her

voicebarelyaudible,echoingmythoughts.shegaspsand

sobs,nolongerabletoholdbackhertears.christian

frowns,horrifiedormortified—idon’tknowwhich—then

afterabeat,envelopsherinahugehug,holdingherclose.

“oh,christian,”shechokes,wrappingherarms

aroundhim,weepingintohisneck—allself-restraint

forgotten—andchristiandoesn’tbalk.hejustholdsher,

rockingtoandfro,comfortingher.scaldingtearspoolin

myeyes.carrickhollersfromthehallway.

“he’salive!shit—you’rehere!”heappearsfrom

taylor’soffice,clutchinghiscellphone,andembraces

bothofthem,hiseyesclosedinsweetrelief.

“dad?”

miasquealssomethingunintelligiblefrombesideme,

thenshe’sup,running,joiningherparents,huggingallof

them,too.

finallythetearsstarttocascadedownmycheeks.

he’shere,he’sfine.buticannotmove.

carrickisthefirsttopullaway,wipinghiseyesand

clappingchristianontheshoulder.miareleasesthemand

gracestepsback.

“sorry,”shemumbles.

“hey,mom—it’sokay,”christiansays,consternation

stillevidentonhisface.

“wherewereyou?whathappened?”gracecriesand

putsherheadinherhands.

“mom,”christianmutters.hedrawsherintohisarms

againandkissesthetopofherhead.“i’mhere.i’mgood.

it’sjusttakenmeahellofalongtimetogetbackfrom

portland.what’swiththewelcomingcommittee?”he

looksupandscanstheroomuntilhiseyeslockwithmine.

heblinksandglancesbrieflyatjosé,wholetsgoof

myhand.christian’smouthtightens.idrinkinthesightof

himandreliefcoursesthroughme,lea一vingmespent,

exhausted,andcompletelyelated.yetmytearsdon’t

stop.christianturnshisattentionbacktohismother.

“mom,i’mgood.what’swrong?”christiansays

reassuringly.sheplacesherhandsoneithersideofhis

face.

“christian,you’vebeenmissing.yourflightplan—you

nevermadeittoseattle.whydidn’tyoucontactus?”

christian’seyebrowsshootupinsurprise.“ididn’t

thinkitwouldtakethislong.”

“whydidn’tyoucall?”

“nopowerinmycell.”

“youdidn’tstop...callcollect?”

“mom—it’salongstory.”

“oh,christian!don’tyoueverdothattomeagain!

doyouunderstand?”shehalfshoutsathim.

“yes,mom.”hewipeshertearsawaywithhisthumb

andhugsheroncemore.whenshecomposesherself,he

releaseshertohugmia,whoslapshimhardonthechest.

“youhadussoworried!”sheblurtsout,andshe,too,

isintears.

“i’mherenow,forhea一ven’ssake,”christianmutters.

aselliotcomesforward,christianrelinquishesmiato

carrick,whoalreadyhasonearmaroundhiswife.he

curlstheotheraroundhisdaughter.elliothugschristian

briefly,muchtochristian’ssurprise,andslapshimhardon

theback.

“greattoseeyou.”elliotsaysloudly,ifalittlegruffly,

tryingtohidehisemotion.

asthetearsstreamdownmyface,icanseeitall.the

greatroomisbathedinit—unconditionallove.hehasitin

spades;he’sjustneveraccepteditbefore,andevennow

he’satatotalloss.

look,christian,allthesepeopleloveyou!perhaps

nowyou’llstartbelievingit.

kateisstandingbehindme—shemustha一veleftthetv

room—andshegentlystrokesmyhair.

“he’sreallyhere,ana,”shemurmurscomfortingly.

“i’mgoingtosayhitomygirlnow,”christiantellshis

parents.bothnod,smile,andstepaside.

hemovestowardme,grayeyesbrightthoughweary

andstillbemused.fromsomewheredeepinside,ifindthe

strengthtostaggertomyfeetandboltintohisopenarms.

“christian!”isob.

“hush,”hesaysandholdsme,buryinghisfaceinmy

hairandinhalingdeeply.iraisemytear-stainedfacetohis,

andhekissesmefartoobriefly.

“hi,”hemurmurs.

“hi,”iwhisperback,thelumpinthebackofmythroat

burning.

“missme?”

“abit.”

hegrins.“icantell.”andwithagentletouchofhis

hand,hewipesawaythetearsthatrefusetostoprunning

downmycheeks.

“ithought...ithought—”ichoke.

“icansee.hush...i’mhere.i’msorry.later,”he

murmursandkissesmechastelyagain.

“areyouokay?”iask,releasinghimandtouchinghis

chest,hisarms,hiswaist—oh,thefeelofthiswarm,vital,

sensualmanbeneathmyfingers—reassuresmethathe’s

here,standinginfrontofme.he’sback.hedoesn’tso

muchasflinch.hejustregardsmeintently.

“i’mokay.i’mnotgoinganywhere.”

“oh,thankgod,”iclasphimroundhiswaistagain,

andhehugsmeoncemore.“areyouhungry?doyou

needsomethingtodrink?”

“yes.”

istepbacktofetchhimsomething,buthedoesn’tlet

mego.hetucksmeunderhisarmandextendsahandto

josé.

“mr.grey,”saysjoséevenly.

christiansnorts.“christian,please,”hesays.

“christian,welcomeback.gladyou’reokay...and

um—thanksforlettingmestay.”

“noproblem.”christiannarrowshiseyes,buthe’s

distractedbymrs.jones,whoissuddenlyathisside.it

onlyoccurstomenowthatshe’snotherusualsmartself.i

hadn’tnoticeditbefore.herhairisloose,andshe’sinsoft

grayleggingsandalargegraysweatshirtthatdwarfs

herwithwsucougarsemblazonedonthefront.she

looksyearsyounger.

“canigetyousomething,mr.grey?”shewipesher

eyeswithatissue.

christiansmilesfondlyather.“abeer,please,gail—

budvar—andabitetoeat.”

“i’llfetchit,”imurmur,wantingtodosomethingfor

myman.

“no.don’tgo,”hesayssoftly,tighteninghisarm

aroundme.

therestofhisfamilyclosein,andethanandkatejoin

us.heshakesethan’shandandgiveskateaquickpeck

onthecheek.mrs.jonesreturnswithabottleofbeerand

aglass.hetakesthebottlebutshakeshisheadatthe

glass.shesmilesandreturnstothekitchen.

“surprisedyoudon’twantsomethingstronger,”

mutterselliot.“sowhatthefuckhappenedtoyou?firsti

knewwaswhendadcalledmetosaythechopperwas

missing.”

“elliot!”gracescolds.

“helicopter,”christiangrowls,correctingelliot,who

grins,andisuspectthisisafamilyjoke.

“let’ssitandi’lltellyou.”christianpullsmeoverto

thecouch,andeveryonesitsdown,alleyesonchristian.

hetakesalongdraftofhisbeer.hespiestaylorhovering

attheentranceandnods.taylornodsback.

“yourdaughter?”

“she’sfinenow.falsealarm,sir.”

“good.”christiansmiles.

daughter?whathappenedtotaylor’sdaughter?

“gladyou’reback,sir.willthatbeall?”

“weha一veahelicoptertocollect.”

taylornods.“now?orwillthemorningdo?”

“morning,ithink,taylor.”

“verygood,mr.grey.anythingelse,sir?”

christianshakeshisheadandraiseshisbottletohim.

taylorgiveshimararesmile—rarerthanchristian’s,i

think—andheadsoutpresumablytohisofficeoruptohis

room.

“christian,whathappened?”carrickdemands.

christianlaunchesintohisstory.hewasflyingwith

ros,hisnumbertwoincharlietangotodealwitha

fundingissueatwsuinvancouver.icanbarelykeepup

i’msodazed.ijustholdchristian’shandandstareathis

manicuredfingernails,hislongfingers,thecreasesonhis

knuckles,hiswristwatch—anomegawiththreesmall

dials.igazeupathisbeautifulprofileashecontinueshis

tale.

“roshadneverseenmountst.helens,soontheway

backasacelebration,wetookaquickdetour.iheardthe

tfrwasliftedawhilebackandiwantedtotakealook.

well,it’sfortunatethatwedid.wewereflyinglow,about

twohundredfeetagl,whentheinstrumentpanellitup.

wehadafireinthetail—ihadnochoicebuttocutallthe

electronicsandland.”heshakeshishead.“isetherdown

bysilverlake,gotrosout,andmanagedtoputthefire

out.”

“afire?bothengines?”carrickishorrified.

“yep.”

“shit!butithought.”

“iknow,”christianinterruptshim.“itwassheerlucki

wasflyingsolow,”hemurmurs.ishudder.hereleasesmy

handandputshisarmaroundme.

“cold?”heasksme.ishakemyhead.

“howdidyouputoutthefire?”askskate,hercarla

bernsteininstinctskickingin.jeez,shesoundsterse

sometimes.

“extinguisher.weha一vetocarrythem—bylaw.”

christiananswerslevelly.

hiswordsfromlongagocirclemymind.“ithank

divineprovidenceeverydaythatitwasyouthatcame

tointerviewmeandnotkatherineka一vanagh.”

“whydidn’tyoucallorusetheradio?”graceasks.

christianshakeshishead.“withtheelectronicsout,

wehadnoradio.andiwasn’tgoingtoriskturningthem

onbecauseofthefire.gpswasstillworkingonthe

blackberry,soiwasabletona一vigatetothenearestroad.

tookusfourhourstowalkthere.roswasinheels.”

christian’smouthpressesintoadisapprovingflatline.

“wehadnocellreception.there’snocoverageat

gifford.ros’sbatterydiedfirst.minedrieduponthe

way.”

holyhell.itenseandchristianpullsmeintohislap.

“sohowdidyougetbacktoseattle?”graceasks,

blinkingslightlyatthesightofthetwoofus,nodoub一t.i

flush.

“wehitchedandpooledourresources.betweenus,

rosandihadsixhundreddollars,andwethoughtwe’d

ha一vetobribesomeonetodriveusback,butatruckdriver

stoppedandagreedtobringushome.herefusedthe

moneyandsharedhislunchwithus.”christianshakeshis

headindismayatthememory.“tookforever.hedidn’t

ha一veacell—weird,buttrue.ididn’trealize.”hestops,

gazingathisfamily.

“thatwe’dworry?”gracescoffs.“oh,christian!”she

scoldshim.“we’vebeengoingoutofourminds!”

“you’vemadethenews,bro.”

christianrollshiseyes.“yeah.ifiguredthatmuch

wheniarrivedtothisreceptionandthehandfulof

photographersoutside.i’msorry,mom—ishouldha一ve

askedthedrivertostopsoicouldphone.butiwas

anxioustobeback.”heglancesatjosé.

oh,that’swhy,becausejoséisstayinghere.i

frownatthethought.jeez—allthatworry.

graceshakesherhead.“i’mjustgladyou’rebackin

onepiece,darling.”

istarttorelax,restingmyheadagainsthischest.he

smellsoutdoorsy,slightlysweaty,ofbodywash,and

christian,themostwelcomescentintheworld.tearsstart

totrickledownmyfaceagain,tearsofgratitude.

“bothengines?”carricksaysagain,frowningin

disbelief.

“gofigure.”christianshrugsandrunshishanddown

myback.

“hey,”hewhispers.heputshisfingersundermychin

andtiltsmyheadback.“stopwiththecrying.”

iwipemynosewiththebackofmyhandinamost

unladylikeway.“stopwiththedisappearing.”isniffand

hislipsquirkup.

“electricalfailure...that’sodd,surely?”carricksays

again.

“yes,crossedmymind,too,dad.butrightnow,i’d

justliketogotobedandthinkaboutallthatshit

tomorrow.”

“sothemediaknowthatthechristiangreyhasbeen

foundsafeandwell?”katesays.

“yes.andreaandmyprpeoplewilldealwiththe

media.roscalledherafterwedroppedherhome.”

“yes,andreacalledmetoletmeknowyouwerestill

alive.”carrickgrins.

“imustgivethatwomanaraise.sureislate,”says

christian.

“ithinkthat’sahint,ladiesandgentlemen,thatmy

dearbroneedshisbeautysleep,”elliotscoffssuggestively.

christiangrimacesathim.

“cary,mysonissafe.youcantakemehomenow.”

cary?gracelooksadoringlyatherhusband.

“yes.ithinkwecouldusethesleep,”carrickreplies

smilingdownather.

“stay,”christianoffers.

“no,sweetheart,iwanttogethome.nowthati

knowyou’resafe.”

christianreluctantlyeasesmeontothecouchand

stands.gracehugshimoncemore,pressesherhead

againsthischestandcloseshereyes,content.hewraps

hisarmsaroundher.

“iwassoworried,darling,”shewhispers.

“i’mokay,mom.”

sheleansbackandstudieshimintentlywhileheholds

her.“yes.ithinkyouare,”shesaysslowly,glancesatme,

andsmiles.iflush.

wefollowcarrickandgraceastheymaketheirway

tothefoyer.behindme,i’mawarethatmiaandethanare

ha一vingaheatedwhisperedconversation,butican’thear

it.

miaissmilingshylyatethan,andhe’sgapingather

andshakinghishead.suddenly,shefoldsherarmsand

turnsonherheel.herubshisforeheadwithonehand,

obviouslyfrustrated.

“mom,dad—waitforme,”miacallssullenly.perhaps

she’sasmercurialasherbrother.

katehugsmehard.“icantellsomeseriousshit’sbeen

goingdownwhilei’vebeenblissfullyignorantinbarbados.

it’skindofobviousyoutwoarenutsabouteachother.

i’mgladhe’ssafe.notjustforhim,ana—foryou,too.”

“thankyou,kate,”iwhisper.

“yeah.whoknewwe’dfindloveatthesametime?”

shegrins.wow.she’sadmittedit.

“withbrothers!”igiggle.

“wecouldendupsisters-in-law,”shequips.

itense,thenmentallykickmyselfaskatestandsback

togazeatmewithherwhat-aren’t-you-telling-me-steele

look.iflush.damn,shoulditellherhe’saskedme?

“comeon,baby,”elliotsummonsherfromthe

elevator.

“let’stalktomorrow,ana.youmustbeexhausted.”

iamreprieved.“sure.you,too,kate—you’ve

tra一veledlongdistancetoday.”

wehugoncemore,thensheandelliotfollowthe

greysintotheelevator.ethanshakeschristian’shandand

givesmeaquickhug.helooksdistracted,buthefollows

themintotheelevatorandthedoorsclose.

joséishoveringinthehallwayaswecomeoutofthe

foyer.

“look.i’llturnin...lea一veyouguys,”hesays.

iblush.jeez,whyisthisawkward?

“doyouknowwheretogo?”christianasks.

josénods.

“yeah,thehousekeeper—”

“mrs.jones,”iprompt.

“yeah,mrs.jones,sheshowedmeearlier.quitea

placeyouha一vehere,christian.”

“thankyou,”christiansayspolitelyashecomesto

standbesideme,placinghisarmaroundmyshoulders.

leaningover,hekissesmyhair.

“i’mgoingtoeatwhatevermrs.joneshasputoutfor

me.goodnight,josé.”christianwandersbackintothe

greatroom,lea一vingjoséandmeattheentrance.

wow!leftalonewithjosé.

“well,goodnight.”josélooksuncomfortableallofa

sudden.

“goodnight,josé,andthankyouforstaying.”

“sure,ana.anytimeyourrich,hotshotboyfriendgoes

missing—i’llbethere.”

“josé!”iadmonishhim.

“onlykidding.don’tgetmad.i’llbelea一vingearlyin

themorning—i’llseeyousometime,yeah?i’vemissed

you.”

“sure,josé.soonihope.sorrytonightwasso...

shitty.”ismirkapologetically.

“yeah.”hegrins.“shitty.”hehugsme.“seriously,

ana,i’mgladyou’rehappy,buti’mhereifyouneedme.”

igazeupathim.“thankyou.”

heflashesmeasad,bittersweetsmile,andthenhe

goesupstairs.

iturnbacktothegreatroom.christianstandsbeside

thecouch,watchingmewithanunreadableexpressionon

hisface.we’refinallyaloneandwegazeateachother.

“he’sstillgotitbad,youknow,”hemurmurs.

“andhowwouldyouknowthat,mr.grey?”

“irecognizethesymptoms,misssteele.ibelievei

ha一vethesameaffliction.”

“ithoughti’dneverseeyouagain,”iwhisper.there

—thewordsareout.allmyworstfearspackagedneatly

inoneshortsentencenowexorcised.

“itwasn’tasbadasitsounds.”

ipickuphissuitjacketandshoesfromwheretheylie

onthefloorandmovetowardhim.

“i’lltakethat,”hewhispers,reachingforhisjacket.

christiangazesdownatmeasifi’mhisreasonfor

livingandmirrorsmylook,i’msure.heishere,really

here.hepullsmeintohisarmsandwrapshimselfaround

me.

“christian,”igasp,andmytearsstartanew.

“hush,”hesoothes,kissingmyhair.“youknow...in

thefewsecondsofsheerterrorbeforeilanded,allmy

thoughtswereofyou.you’remytalisman,ana.”

“ithoughti’dlostyou,”ibreathe.westand,holding

eachother,reconnectingandreassuringeachother.asi

tightenmyarmsaroundhim,irealizei’mstillholdinghis

shoes.idropthemnoisilytothefloor.

“comeandshowerwithme,”hemurmurs.

“okay.”iglanceupathim.idon’twanttoletgo.

reachingdownhetiltsmychinupwithhisfingers.

“youknoweventear-stained,youarebeautiful,ana

steele.”heleansdownandkissesmegently.“andyour

lipsaresosoft.”hekissesmeagain,deepeningit.

ohmy...andtothink,icouldha一velost...no...

istopthinkingandsurrendermyself.

“ineedtoputmyjacketdown,”hemurmurs.

“dropit,”imurmuragainsthislips.

“ican’t.”

ileanbacktogazeupathim,puzzled.

hesmirksatme.“thisiswhy.”fromtheinsidebreast

pockethepullsoutthesmallboxiga一vehim,containingmy

present.heslingsthejacketoverthebackofthecouch

andplacestheboxontop.

seizetheday,ana,mysubconsciousprodsme.well,

it’saftermidnight,sotechnicallyit’shisbirthday.

“openit,”iwhisper,andmyheartstartspounding.

“iwashopingyou’dsaythat,”hemurmurs.“thishas

beendrivingmecrazy.”

igrinimpishlyathim.jeez,ifeelgiddy.hegivesme

hisshysmile,andimeltdespitemythumpingheart,

delightinginhisamusedyetintriguedexpression.withdeft

longfingers,heunwrapsandopensthebox.hisbrow

creasesashefishesoutasmall,rectangular,plastic

keychainbearingapicturemadeupoftinypixelsthatflash

onandofflikeanledscreen.itdepictstheseattle

skyline,focusingonthespaceneedle,withthe

wordseattlewrittenboldlyacrossthelandscape,

flashingonandoff.

hestaresatitforamomentandthengazesatme

bemused,afrownmarringhislovelybrow.

“turnitover,”iwhisper,holdingmybreath.

hedoes,andhiseyesshoottomine,wideandgray,

alivewithwonderandjoy.hislipspartindisbelief.

thewordyesflashesonandoffonthekeyring.

“happybirthday,”iwhisper.