isitcross-leggedbesidehim,eatinggreedily,beyond
hungry,andadmirehisnakedfeet.
“iusuallydoallthecooking.kateisn’tagreatcook.”
“didyouyourmotherteachyou?”
“notreally,”iscoff.“bythetimeiwasinterestedin
learning,mymomwaslivingwithhusbandnumberthree
inmansfield,texas.andray,well,hewould’velivedon
toastandtakeoutifitwasn’tforme.”
christiangazesdownatme.“youdidn’tstayintexas
withyourmom?”
“no.steve,herhusbandandi,wedidn’tgetalong.
andimissedray.hermarriagetostevedidn’tlastlong.
shecametohersenses,ithink.shenevertalksabout
him,”iaddquietly.ithinkthat’sadarkpartofherlife,
whichwe’veneverdiscussed.
“soyoucamebacktowashingtontolivewithyour
stepfather.”
“yes.”
“soundslikeyoulookedafterhim,”hesayssoftly.
“soundslikeyoulookedafterhim,”hesayssoftly.
“isuppose.”ishrug.
“you’reusedtotakingcareofpeople.”
theedgeinhisvoiceattractsmyattention,andi
glanceupathim.
“whatisit?”iask,startledbyhiswaryexpression.
“iwanttotakecareofyou.”hisluminouseyesglow
withsomeunnamedemotion.
myheartratespikes.
“i’venoticed,”iwhisper.“youjustgoaboutitina
strangeway.”
hisbrowcreases.“it’stheonlywayiknowhow,”he
saysquietly.
“i’mstillmadatyouforbuyingsip.”
hesmiles.“iknowbutyoubeingmad,baby,wouldn’t
stopme.”
“whatamigoingtosaytomyworkcolleagues,to
jack?”
henarrowshiseyes.“thatfuckerbetterwatch
himself.”
himself.”
“christian!”iadmonish.“he’smyboss.”
christian’smouthpressesintoahardline.helooks
likearecalcitrantschoolboy.
“don’ttellthem,”hesays.
“don’ttellthemwhat?”
“thatiownit.theheadsofagreementwassigned
yesterday.thenewsisembargoedforfourweekswhile
themanagementatsipmakessomechanges.”
“oh...willibeoutofajob?”iask,alarmed.
“isincerelydoub一tit,”christiansayswryly,tryingto
stiflehissmile.
iscowl.“ifilea一veandfindanotherjob,willyoubuy
thatcompany,too?”
“you’renotthinkingoflea一ving,areyou?”his
expressionalters,waryoncemore.
“possibly.i’mnotsureyou’vegivenmeagreatdealof
choice.”
“yes,iwillbuythatcompany,too.”heisadamant.
iscowlathimagain.iaminano-winsituationhere.
“don’tyouthinkyou’rebeingatadoverprotective?”
“yes.iamfullyawareofhowthislooks.”
“pagingdr.flynn,”imurmur.
heputsdownhisemptybowlandgazesatme
impassively.isigh.idon’twanttofight.standingup,i
reachforhisbowl.
“wouldyoulikedessert?”
“nowyou’retalking!”hesays,givingmealascivious
grin.
“notme.”whynotme?myinnergoddesswakes
fromherdozeandsitsupright,allears.“weha一veice
cream.vanilla.”isnicker.
“really?”christian’sgringetsbigger.“ithinkwecould
dosomethingwiththat.”
what?istareathimdumbfoundedashegracefully
getstohisfeet.
“canistay?”heasks.
“whatdoyoumean?”
“thenight.”
“iassumedthatyouwere.”iflush.
“iassumedthatyouwere.”iflush.
“good.where’stheicecream?”
“intheoven.”ismilesweetlyathim.
hecockshisheadtooneside,sighs,andshakeshis
headatme.“sarcasmisthelowestformofwit,miss
steele.”hiseyesglitter.
ohshit.what’sheplanning?
“icouldstilltakeyouacrossmyknee.”
iplacethebowlsinthesink.“doyouha一vethosesilver
ballthings?”
hepatshishandsdownhischest,belly,andthe
pocketsofhisjeans.“funnilyenough,idon’tcarrya
sparesetaroundwithme.notmuchcallfortheminthe
office.”
“iamverygladtohearit,mr.grey,andithoughtyou
saidthatsarcasmwasthelowestformofwit.”
“well,anastasia,mynewmottoisifyoucan’tbeat
‘em,join‘em.”
igapeathim—ican’tbelievehe’sjustsaidthat—
andhelookssickeninglypleasedwithhimselfashegrinsat
andhelookssickeninglypleasedwithhimselfashegrinsat
me.turning,heopensthefreezerandtakesoutthecarton
ofben&jerry’sfinestvanilla.
“thiswilldojustfine.”helooksupatme,eyesdark.
“ben&jerry’s&ana.”hesayseachwordslowly,
enunciatingeverysyllableclearly.
ohfuckingmy.ithinkmylowerjawisonthefloor.
heopensthecutlerydrawerandgrabsaspoon.whenhe
looksup,hisareeyeshooded,andhistongueskimshis
topteeth.oh,thattongue.
ifeelwinded.desire,dark,sleek,andwantonrunshot
throughmyveins.we’regoingtoha一vefun,withfood.
“ihopeyou’rewarm,”hewhispers.“i’mgoingtocool
youdownwiththis.come.”heholdsouthishand,andi
placemineinhis.
inmybedroomheplacestheicecreamonmybedside
table,pullstheduvetoffthebed,andremovesboththe
pillows,placingthemallinapileonthefloor.
“youha一veachangeofsheets,don’tyou?”
inod,watchinghim,fascinated.heholdsupcharlie
tango.
“don’tmesswithmyballoon,”iwarn.
hislipsquirkupwardinhalfasmile.“wouldn’tdream
ofit,baby,butidowanttomesswithyouandthese
sheets.”
mybodypracticallyconvulses.
“iwanttotieyouup.”
oh.“okay,”iwhisper.
“justyourhands.tothebed.ineedyoustill.”
“okay,”iwhisperagain,incapableofanythingmore.
hestrollsovertome,nottakinghiseyesoffmine.
“we’llusethis.”hetakesholdofmyrobesashand
withdelicious,teasingslowness,releasesthebow,and
gentlypullsitfreeofthegarment.
myrobefallsopenwhileistandparalyzedunderhis
heatedgaze.afteramoment,hepushestherobeoffmy
shoulders.itfallsandpoolsatmyfeetsothati’mstanding
nakedbeforehim.hestrokesmyfacewiththebacksof
hisknuckles,andhistouchresonatesinthedepthsofmy
groin.bending,hekissesmylipsbriefly.
groin.bending,hekissesmylipsbriefly.
“lieonthebed,faceup,”hemurmurs,hiseyes
darkening,burningintomine.
idoasi’mtold.myroomisshroudedindarkness
exceptforthesoft,insipidlightfrommylamp.
normally,ihateenergy-sa一vingbulbs—theyaresodim
—butbeingnakedhere,withchristian,i’mgratefulforthe
mutedlight.hestandsbythebedgazingdownatme.
“icouldlookatyouallday,anastasia,”hesays,and
withthatcrawlsontothebed,upmybody,andstraddles
me.
“armsaboveyourhead,”hecommands.
icomplyandhefastenstheendofmyrobesashround
myleftwristandthreadstheendthroughthemetalbarsat
theheadofmybed.hepullsittightsomyleftarmis
flexedaboveme.hethensecuresmyrighthand,tyingthe
sashtightly.
wheni’mtied-up,staringathim,hevisiblyrelaxes.he
likesmetethered.ican’ttouchhimthisway.itoccursto
methatnoneofhissubswouldha一vetouchedhimeither—
methatnoneofhissubswouldha一vetouchedhimeither—
andwhat’smore,theywouldneverha一vetheopportunity
to.hewouldha一vealwaysbeenincontrolandata
distance.that’swhyhelikeshisrules.
heclimbsoffmeandbendstogivemeaquickpeck
onthelips.thenhestandsandliftshisshirtoverhishead.
heundoeshisjeansanddropsthemtothefloor.
heisgloriouslynaked.myinnergoddessisdoinga
tripleaxeldismountofftheunevenbars,andabruptlymy
mouthisdry.hereallyisbeyondbeautiful.hehasa
physiquedrawnonclassicallines:broadmuscular
shoulders,narrowhips,theinvertedtriangle.heobviously
worksout.icouldlookathimallday.hemovestothe
endofthebedandgraspsmyankles,pullingmeswiftly
andsharplydownwardsothatmyarmsarestretchedout
andunabletomove.
“that’sbetter,”hemutters.
pickingupthetuboficecream,heclimbssmoothly
backontothebedtostraddlemeoncemore.veryslowly,
hepeelsoffthelidofthetubanddipsthespoonin.
“hmm...it’sstillquitehard,”hesayswitharaised
brow.scoopingoutaspoonfulofthevanilla,hepopsit
intohismouth.“delicious,”hemurmurs,lickinghislips.
“amazinghowgoodplainoldvanillacantaste.”hegazes
downatmeandsmirks.“wantsome?”heteases.
helookssofreakinghot,youngandcarefree—sitting
onmeandeatingfromatuboficecream—eyesbright,
faceluminous.ohwhatthehellishegoingtodotome?
asifican’ttell.inod,shyly.
hescoopsoutanotherspoonfulandoffersmethe
spoon,soiopenmymouth,thenhequicklypopsitinhis
mouthagain.
“thisistoogoodtoshare,”hesays,smilingwickedly.
“hey,”istartinprotest.
“why,misssteele,doyoulikeyourvanilla?”
“yes,”isaymoreforcefullythanimeanandtryinvain
tobuckhimoff.
helaughs.“gettingfeisty,arewe?iwouldn’tdothatif
iwereyou.”
“icecream,”iplead.
“icecream,”iplead.
“well,asyou’vepleasedmesomuchtoday,miss
steele.”herelentsandoffersmeanotherspoonful.this
timeheletsmeeatit.
iwanttogiggle.he’sreallyenjoyinghimself,andhis
goodhumorisinfectious.hescoopsanotherspoonfuland
feedsmesomemore,thenhedoesitagain.okay,
enough.
“hmm,well,thisisonewaytoensureyoueat—forcefeed
you.icouldgetusedtothis.”
takinganotherspoonful,heoffersmemore.thistime
ikeepmymouthshutandshakemyhead,andheletsit
slowlymeltonthespoonsothatthemeltedicecream
drips,ontomythroat,ontomychest.hedipsdownand
veryslowlylicksitoff.mybodylightsupwithlonging.
“mmm.tastesevenbetteroffyou,misssteele.”
ipullagainstmyrestraintsandthebedcreaks
ominously,butidon’tcare—i’mburningwithdesire,it’s
consumingme.hetakesanotherspoonfulandletstheice
creamdribbleontomybreasts.thenwiththebackofthe
creamdribbleontomybreasts.thenwiththebackofthe
spoon,hespreadsitovereachbreastandnipple.
oh...it’scold.eachnipplepeaksandhardens
beneaththecoolofthevanilla.
“cold?”christianaskssoftlyandbendstolickand
sucklealltheicecreamoffmeoncemore,hismouthhot
comparedtothecooloftheice.
ohmy.it’storture.asitstartstomelt,theicecream
runsoffmeinrivuletsontothebed.hislipscontinuetheir
slowtorture,suckinghard,nuzzling,softly—ohplease!—
i’mpanting.
“wantsome?”andbeforeicanconfirmordenyhis
offer,histongueisinmymouth,andit’scoldandskilled
andtastesofchristianandvanilla.delicious.
andjustasiamgettingusedtothesensation,hesits
upagainandtrailsaspoonfuloficecreamdownthecenter
ofmybody,acrossmystomach,andintomyna一velwhere
hedepositsalargedollopoficecream.oh,thisischillier
thanbefore,butweirdlyitburns.
“now,you’vedonethisbefore.”christian’seyes
shine.“you’regoingtoha一vetostaystill,ortherewillbe
icecreamalloverthebed.”hekisseseachofmybreasts
andsuckseachofmynippleshard,thenfollowsthelineof
icecreamdownmybody,suckingandlickingashegoes.
anditry,itrytostaystilldespitetheheady
combinationofcoldandhisinflamingtouch.butmyhips
starttomoveinvoluntarily,gyratingtotheirownrhythm,
caughtupinhiscoolvanillaspell.heshiftslowerand
startseatingtheicecreaminmybelly,swirlinghistongue
intoandaroundmyna一vel.
imoan.holycow.it’scold,it’shot,it’stantalizing,
buthedoesn’tstop.hetrailstheicecreamfurtherdown
mybody,intomypubichair,ontomyclitoris.icryout,
loudly.
“hushnow,”christiansayssoftlyashismagicaltongue
setstoworklappingupthevanilla,andnowi’mkeening
quietly.
“oh...please...christian.”
“iknow,baby,iknow,”hebreathesashistongue
worksitsmagic.hedoesn’tstop,justdoesn’tstop,and
worksitsmagic.hedoesn’tstop,justdoesn’tstop,and
mybodyisclimbing—higher,higher.heslipsonefinger
insideme,thenanotherandhemovesthemwithagonizing
slownessinandout.
“justhere,”hemurmurs,andherhythmicallystrokes
thefrontwallofmyvaginawhilehecontinuestheexquisite,
relentlesslickingandsucking.holyfuckingcow.
ieruptunexpectedlyintoamind-blowingorgasmthat
stunsallmysenses,obliteratingallthat’shappeningoutside
ofmybodyasiwritheandgroan.jeez,thatwasso
quick.
iamvaguelyawarethathehasstoppedhis
ministrations.he’shoveringoverme,slidingonacondom,
andthenhe’sinsideme,hardandfast.
“ohyes!”hegroansasheslamsintome.he’ssticky
—theresidualmeltedicecreamspreadingbetweenus.it’s
astrangelydistractingsensation,butoneican’tdwellon
formorethanafewsecondsaschristiansuddenlypulls
outofmeandflipsmeover.
“thisway,”hemurmursandabruptlyisinsidemeonce
“thisway,”hemurmursandabruptlyisinsidemeonce
more,buthedoesn’tstarthisusualpunishingrhythm
straightaway.heleansover,releasesmyhands,andpulls
meuprightsoiampracticallysittingonhim.hishands
moveuptomybreasts,andhepalmsthemboth,tugging
gentlyonmynipples.igroan,tossingmyheadback
againsthisshoulder.henuzzlesmyneck,bitingdown,as
heflexeshiships,deliciouslyslowly,fillingmeagainand
again.
“doyouknowhowmuchyoumeantome?”he
breathesagainstmyear.
“no,”igasp.
hesmilesagainstmyneck,andhisfingerscurlaround
myjawandthroat,holdingmefastforamoment.
“yes,youdo.i’mnotgoingtoletyougo.”
igroanashepicksupspeed.
“youaremine,anastasia.”
“yes,yours,”ipant.
“itakecareofwhat’smine,”hehissesandbitesmy
ear.
icryout.
“that’sright,baby,iwanttohearyou.”hesnakes
onehandaroundmywaistwhilehisotherhandgraspsmy
hip,andhepushesintomeharder,makingmecryout
again.andthepunishingrhythmstarts.hisbreathing
growsharsherandharsher,ragged,matchingmine.ifeel
thefamiliarquickeningdeepinside.jeezagain!
iamjustsensation.thisiswhathedoestome—takes
mybodyandpossessesitwhollysothatithinkofnothing
buthim.hismagicispowerful,intoxicating.i’mabutterfly
caughtinhisnet,unableandunwillingtoescape.i’m
his...totallyhis.
“comeon,baby,”hegrowlsthroughgrittedteethand
oncue,likethesorcerer’sapprenticeiam,iletgo,and
wefindourreleasetogether.
iamlyingcurledupinhisarmsonstickysheets.hisfront
ispressedtomyback,hisnoseinmyhair.
“whatifeelforyoufrightensme,”iwhisper.
hestills.“metoo,baby,”hesaysquietly.
“whatifyoulea一veme?”thethoughtishorrific.
“i’mnotgoinganywhere.idon’tthinkicouldever
ha一vemyfillofyou,anastasia.”
iturnandgazeathim.hisexpressionisserious,
sincere.ileanoverandkisshimgently.hesmilesand
reachesuptotuckmyhairbehindmyear.
“i’veneverfeltthewayifeltwhenyouleft,anastasia.
iwouldmovehea一venandearthtoa一voidfeelinglikethat
again.”hesoundssosad,dazedeven.
ikisshimagain.iwanttolightenourmoodsomehow,
butchristiandoesitforme.
“willyoucomewithmetomyfather’ssummerparty
tomorrow?it’sanannualcharitything.isaidi’dgo.”
ismile,feelingsuddenlyshy.
“ofcoursei’llcome.”ohshit.iha一venothingtowear.
“what?”
“nothing.”
“tellme,”heinsists.
“tellme,”heinsists.
“iha一venothingtowear.”
christianlooksmomentarilyuncomfortable.
“don’tbemad,butistillha一veallthoseclothesforyou
athome.iamsurethereareacoupleofdressesinthere.”
ipursemylips.“doyou,now?”imutter,myvoice
sardonic.idon’twanttofightwithhimtonight.ineeda
shower.
thegirlwholookslikemeisstandingoutsidesip.hang
on—sheisme.iampaleandunwashed,andallmy
clothesaretoobig;i’mstaringather,andshe’swearing
myclothes—happy,healthy.
“whatdoyouha一vethatidon’t?”iaskher.
“whoareyou?”
“i’mnobody...whoareyou?areyounobody,
too...?”
“thenthere’sapairofus—don’ttell,they’dbanishus,
youknow...”shesmiles,aslow,evilgrimacethat
youknow...”shesmiles,aslow,evilgrimacethat
spreadsacrossherface,andit’ssochillingthatistartto
scream.
“jesus,ana!”christianisshakingmeawake.
iamsodisorientated.i’mathome...inthe
dark...inbedwithchristian.ishakemyhead,trying
toclearmymind.
“baby,areyouokay?youwereha一vingabaddream.”
“oh.”
heswitchesonthelampsowe’rebathedinitsdim
light.hegazesdownatme,hisfaceetchedwithconcern.
“thegirl,”iwhisper.
“whatisit?whatgirl?”heaskssoothingly.
“therewasagirloutsidesipwhenileftthisevening.
shelookedlikeme...butnotreally.”
christianstills,andasthelightfromthebedsidelamp
warmsup,iseehisfaceisashen.
“whenwasthis?”hewhispers,dismayed.hesitsup,
staringdownatme.
“whenileftthisafternoon.doyouknowwhosheis?”
“yes.”herunsahandthroughhishair.
“who?”
hismouthpressesintoahardline,buthesaysnothing.
“who?”ipress.
“it’sleila.”
iswallow.theex-sub!irememberchristiantalking
aboutherbeforewewentgliding.suddenly,he’sradiating
tension.somethingisgoingon.
“thegirlwhoput‘toxic’onyouripod?”
heglancesatmeanxiously.
“yes,”hesays.“didshesayanything?”
“shesaid,‘whatdoyouha一vethatidon’tha一ve?’and
wheniaskedwhoshewas,shesaid,‘nobody.’”
christiancloseshiseyesasifinpain.ohno.what’s
happened?whatdoesshemeantohim?
myscalppricklesasadrenalinespikesthroughmy
body.whatifshemeansalottohim?perhapshe
missesher?iknowsolittleabouthispast...um,
missesher?iknowsolittleabouthispast...um,
relationships.shemustha一vehadacontract,andshe
wouldha一vedonewhathewanted,givenhimwhathe
neededgladly.
ohno—whenican’t.thethoughtmakesme
nauseous.
climbingoutofbed,christiandragsonhisjeansand
headsintothemainroom.aglanceatmyalarmclock
showsit’sfiveinthemorning.irolloutofbed,puttinghis
whiteshirton,andfollowhim.
holyshit,he’sonthephone.
“yes,outsidesip,yesterday...earlyevening,”he
saysquietly.heturnstomeasimovetowardthekitchen
andasksmedirectly,“whattimeexactly?”
“abouttentosix?”imumble.whoonearthishe
callingatthishour?what’sleiladone?herelaysthe
informationtowhoever’sontheline,nottakinghiseyesoff
me,hisexpressiondarkandearnest.
“findouthow...yes...iwouldn’tha一vesaidso,
buttheniwouldn’tha一vethoughtshecoulddothis.”he
buttheniwouldn’tha一vethoughtshecoulddothis.”he
closeshiseyesasifhe’sinpain.“idon’tknowhowthat
willgodown...yes,i’lltalktoher...yes...i
know...followitupandletmeknow.justfindher,
welch—she’sintrouble.findher.”hehangsup.
“doyouwantsometea?”iask.tea,ray’sanswerto
everycrisisandtheonlythinghedoeswellinthekitchen.i
fillthekettlewithwater.
“actually,i’dliketogobacktobed.”hislooktells
methatit’snottosleep.
“well,ineedsometea.wouldyouliketojoinmefor
acup?”iwanttoknowwhat’sgoingon.iwillnotbe
sidetrackedbysex.
herunshishandthroughhishairinexasperation.“yes,
please,”hesays,buticantellhe’sirritated.
iputthekettleonthestoveandbusymyselfwith
teacupsandtheteapot.myanxietylevelhasshotto
defconone.ishegoingtotellmetheproblem?orami
goingtoha一vetodig?
isensehiseyesonme—sensehisuncertainty,andhis
isensehiseyesonme—sensehisuncertainty,andhis
angerispalpable.iglanceup,andhiseyesglitterwith
apprehension.
“whatisit?”iasksoftly.
heshakeshishead.
“you’renotgoingtotellme?”
hesighsandcloseshiseyes.“no.”
“why?”
“becauseitshouldn’tconcernyou.idon’twantyou
tangledupinthis.”
“itshouldn’tconcernme,butitdoes.shefoundme
andaccostedmeoutsidemyoffice.howdoessheknow
aboutme?howdoessheknowwhereiwork?ithinki
ha一vearighttoknowwhat’sgoingon.”
herunsahandthroughhishairagain,radiating
frustrationasifwagingsomeinternalbattle.
“please?”iasksoftly.
hismouthsetsintoahardline,andherollshiseyesat
me.
“okay,”hesays,resigned.“iha一venoideahowshe
foundyou.maybethephotographofusinportland,i
don’tknow.”hesighsagain,andisensehisfrustrationis
directedathimself.
iwaitpatiently,pouringboilingwaterintotheteapotas
hepacesbackandforth.afterabeathecontinues.
“whileiwaswithyouingeorgia,leilaturnedupat
myapartmentunannouncedandmadeasceneinfrontof
gail.”
“gail?”
“mrs.jones.”
“whatdoyoumean,‘madeascene’?”
heglaresatme,appraising.
“tellme.you’rekeepingsomethingback.”mytoneis
moreforcefulthanifeel.
heblinksatme,surprised.“ana,i—”hestops.
“please?”
hesighsindefeat.“shemadeahaphazardattemptto
openavein.”
“ohno!”thatexplainsthebandageonherwrist.
“gailgothertohospital.butleiladischargedherself
“gailgothertohospital.butleiladischargedherself
beforeicouldgetthere.”
crap.whatdoesthismean?suicidal?why?
“theshrinkwhosawhercalleditatypicalcryforhelp.
hedidn’tbelievehertobetrulyatrisk—onestepfrom
suicidalideation,hecalledit.buti’mnotconvinced.i’ve
beentryingtotrackherdownsincethentogethersome
help.”
“didshesayanythingtomrs.jones?”
hegazesatme.helooksreallyuncomfortable.
“notmuch,”hesayseventually,butiknowhe’snot
tellingmeeverything.
idistractmyselfwithpouringteaintoteacups.soleila
wantsbackintochristian’slifeandchoosesasuicide
attempttoattracthisattention?whoa...scary.but
effective.christianleftgeorgiatobeatherside,butshe
disappearsbeforehegetsthere?howodd.
“youcan’tfindher?whataboutherfamily?”
“theydon’tknowwheresheis.neitherdoesher
husband.”
husband.”
“husband?”
“yes,”hesaysdistractedly,“she’sbeenmarriedfor
abouttwoyears.”
what?“soshewaswithyouwhileshewasmarried?”
holyfuck.hereallyhasnoboundaries.
“no!goodgod,no.shewaswithmenearlythree
yearsago.thensheleftandmarriedthisguyshortly
afterward.”