firstpublishedbythewriter’scoffeeshop,2011
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/ejames
eljamesisatvexecutive,wife,andmotheroftwo,basedinwestlondon.sinceearlychildhood,shedreamtofwritingstoriesthatreaderswouldfallinlovewith,butputthosedreamsonholdtofocusonherfamilyandhercareer.shefinallypluckedupthecouragetoputpentopaperwithherfirstnovel,fiftyshadesofgrey.
eljamesiscurrentlyworkingonthesequeltofiftyshadesofgreyandanewromanticthrillerwithasupernaturaltwist.
iamindeb一tedtothefollowingpeoplefortheirhelpandsupport:
tomyhusbandniall–thankyoufortoleratingmyobsession,beingadomesticgodanddoingthefirstedit.
tomybosslisa–thankyouforputtingupwithmeoverthelastyearorsowhileiindulgedinthismadness.
toccl–i’llnevertellbutthankyou.
totheoriginalbunkerbabes–thankyouforyourfriendshipandconstantsupport.
tosr–thankyouforallthehelpfuladvicefromthestartandforgoingfirst.
tosue–thanksforsortingmeout.
toamandaandallattwcs–thankyoufortakingapunt.
iscowlwithfrustrationatmyselfinthemirror.damnmyhair–itjustwon’tbeha一ve,anddamnkatherineka一vanaghforbeingillandsubjectingmetothisordeal.ishouldbestudyingformyfinalexams,whicharenextweek,yethereiamtryingtobrushmyhairintosubmission.imustnotsleepwithitwet.imustnotsleepwithitwet.recitingthismantraseveraltimes,iattempt,oncemore,tobringitundercontrolwiththebrush.irollmyeyesinexasperationandgazeatthepale,brown-hairedgirlwithblueeyestoobigforherfacestaringbackatme,andgiveup.myonlyoptionistorestrainmywaywardhairinaponytailandhopethatilooksemipresentable.
kateismyroommate,andshehaschosentodayofalldaystosuccumbtotheflu.therefore,shecannotattendtheinterviewshe’darrangedtodo,withsomemega-industrialisttycooni’veneverheardof,forthestudentnewspaper.soiha一vebeenvolunteered.iha一vefinalexamstocramfor,oneessaytofinish,andi’msupposedtobeworkingthisafternoon,butno–todayiha一vetodriveahundredandsixty-fivemilestodowntownseattleinordertomeettheenigmaticceoofgreyenterprisesholdingsinc.asanexceptionalentrepreneurandmajorbenefactorofouruniversity,histimeisextraordinarilyprecious–muchmorepreciousthanmine–buthehasgrantedkateaninterview.arealcoup,shetellsme.damnherextra-curricularactivities.
kateishuddledonthecouchinthelivingroom.
“ana,i’msorry.ittookmeninemonthstogetthisinterview.itwilltakeanothersixtoreschedule,andwe’llbothha一vegraduatedbythen.astheeditor,ican’tblowthisoff.please,”katebegsmeinherrasping,sorethroatvoice.howdoesshedoit?evenillshelooksgamineandgorgeous,strawberryblondehairinplaceandgreeneyesbright,althoughnowred-rimmedandrunny.iignoremypangofunwelcomesympathy.
“ofcoursei’llgokate.youshouldgetbacktobed.wouldyoulikesomenyquilortylenol?”
“nyquil,please.herearethequestionsandmymini-discrecorder.justpressrecordhere.makenotes,i’lltranscribeitall.”
“iknownothingabouthim,”imurmur,tryingandfailingtosuppressmyrisingpanic.
“thequestionswillseeyouthrough.go.it’salongdrive.idon’twantyoutobelate.”
“okay,i’mgoing.getbacktobed.imadeyousomesouptoheatuplater.”istareatherfondly.onlyforyou,kate,wouldidothis.
“iwill.goodluck.andthanksana–asusual,you’remylifesa一ver.”
gatheringmysatchel,ismilewrylyather,thenheadoutthedoortothecar.icannotbelieveiha一veletkatetalkmeintothis.butthenkatecantalkanyoneintoanything.she’llmakeanexceptionaljournalist.she’sarticulate,strong,persuasive,argumentative,beautiful–andshe’smydearest,dearestfriend.
theroadsareclearasisetofffromvancouver,watowardportlandandthei-5.it’searly,andidon’tha一vetobeinseattleuntiltwothisafternoon.fortunately,kate’slentmehersportymercedesclk.i’mnotsurewanda,myoldvwbeetle,wouldmakethejourneyintime.oh,themercisafundrive,andthemilesslipawayasifloorthepedaltothemetal.
mydestinationistheheadquartersofmr.grey’sglobalenterprise.it’sahugetwenty-storyofficebuilding,allcurvedglassandsteel,anarchitect’sutilitarianfantasy,withgreyhousewrittendiscreetlyinsteelovertheglassfrontdoors.it’saquartertotwowheniarrive,greatlyrelievedthati’mnotlateasiwalkintotheenormous–andfranklyintimidating–glass,steel,andwhitesandstonelobby.
behindthesolidsandstonedesk,averyattractive,groomed,blondeyoungwomansmilespleasantlyatme.she’swearingthesharpestcharcoalsuitjacketandwhiteshirtiha一veeverseen.shelooksimmaculate.
“i’mheretoseemr.grey.anastasiasteeleforkatherineka一vanagh.”
“excusemeonemoment,misssteele.”shearcheshereyebrowslightlyasistandself-consciouslybeforeher.iambeginningtowishi’dborrowedoneofkate’sformalblazersratherthanwearmyna一vybluejacket.iha一vemadeaneffortandwornmyoneandonlyskirt,mysensiblebrownknee-lengthbootsandabluesweater.forme,thisissmart.ituckoneoftheescapedtendrilsofmyhairbehindmyearasipretendshedoesn’tintimidateme.
“misska一vanaghisexpected.pleasesigninhere,misssteele.you’llwantthelastelevatorontheright,pressforthetwentiethfloor.”shesmileskindlyatme,amusednodoub一t,asisignin.
shehandsmeasecuritypassthathasvisitorveryfirmlystampedonthefront.ican’thelpmysmirk.surelyit’sobviousthati’mjustvisiting.idon’tfitinhereatall.nothingchanges,iinwardlysigh.thankingher,iwalkovertothebankofelevatorspast
thetwosecuritymenwhoarebothfarmoresmartlydressedthaniamintheirwell-cutblacksuits.
theelevatorwhisksmewithterminalvelocitytothetwentiethfloor.thedoorsslideopen,andi’minanotherlargelobby–againallglass,steel,andwhitesandstone.i’mconfrontedbyanotherdeskofsandstoneandanotheryoungblondewomandressedimpeccablyinblackandwhitewhorisestogreetme.
“misssteele,couldyouwaithere,please?”shepointstoaseatedareaofwhiteleatherchairs.
behindtheleatherchairsisaspaciousglass-walledmeetingroomwithanequallyspaciousdarkwoodtableandatleasttwentymatchingchairsaroundit.beyondthat,thereisafloor-to-ceilingwindowwithaviewoftheseattleskylinethatlooksoutthroughthecitytowardthesound.it’sastunningvista,andi’mmomentarilyparalyzedbytheview.wow.
isitdown,fishthequestionsfrommysatchel,andgothroughthem,inwardlycursingkatefornotprovidingmewithabriefbiography.iknownothingaboutthismani’mabouttointerview.hecouldbeninetyorhecouldbethirty.theuncertaintyisgalling,andmynervesresurface,makingmefidget.i’veneverbeencomfortablewithone-on-oneinterviews,preferringtheanonymityofagroupdiscussionwhereicansitinconspicuouslyatthebackoftheroom.tobehonest,iprefermyowncompany,readingaclassicbritishnovel,curledupinachairinthecampuslibrary.notsittingtwitchingnervouslyinacolossalglassandstoneedifice.
irollmyeyesatmyself.getagrip,steele.judgingfromthebuilding,whichistooclinicalandmodern,iguessgreyisinhisforties:fit,tanned,andfair-hairedtomatchtherestofthepersonnel.
anotherelegant,flawlesslydressedblondecomesoutofalargedoortotheright.whatisitwithalltheimmaculateblondes?it’slikestepfordhere.takingadeepbreath,istandup.
“misssteele?”thelatestblondeasks.
“yes,”icroak,andclearmythroat.“yes.”there,thatsoundedmoreconfident.
“mr.greywillseeyouinamoment.mayitakeyourjacket?”
“ohplease.”istruggleoutofthejacket.
“ha一veyoubeenofferedanyrefreshment?”
“um–no.”ohdear,isblondenumberoneintrouble?
blondenumbertwofrownsandeyestheyoungwomanatthedesk.
“wouldyouliketea,coffee,water?”sheasks,turningherattentionbacktome.
“aglassofwater.thankyou,”imurmur.
“olivia,pleasefetchmisssteeleaglassofwater.”hervoiceisstern.oliviascootsupimmediatelyandscurriestoadoorontheothersideofthefoyer.
“myapologies,misssteele,oliviaisournewintern.pleasebeseated.mr.greywillbeanotherfiveminutes.”
oliviareturnswithaglassoficedwater.
“hereyougo,misssteele.”
“thankyou.”
blondenumbertwomarchesovertothelargedesk,herheelsclickingandechoingonthesandstonefloor.shesitsdown,andtheybothcontinuetheirwork.
perhapsmr.greyinsistsonallhisemployeesbeingblonde.i’mwonderingidlyifthat’slegal,whentheofficedooropensandatall,elegantlydressed,attractiveafrican-americanmanwithshortdreadsexits.iha一vedefinitelywornthewrongclothes.
heturnsandsaysthroughthedoor.“golf,thisweek,grey.”
idon’thearthereply.heturns,seesme,andsmiles,hisdarkeyescrinklingatthecorners.oliviahasjumpedupandcalledtheelevator.sheseemstoexcelatjumpingfromherseat.she’smorenervousthanme!
“goodafternoonladies,”hesaysashedepartsthroughtheslidingdoor.
“mr.greywillseeyounow,misssteele.dogothrough,”blondenumbertwosays.istandrathershakilytryingtosuppressmynerves.gatheringupmysatchel,iabandonmyglassofwaterandmakemywaytothepartiallyopendoor.
“youdon’tneedtoknock–justgoin.”shesmileskindly.
ipushopenthedoorandstumblethrough,trippingovermyownfeet,andfallingheadfirstintotheoffice.
doublecrap–meandmytwoleftfeet!iamonmyhandsandkneesinthedoorwaytomr.grey’soffice,andgentlehandsarearoundmehelpingmetostand.iamsoembarrassed,damnmyclumsiness.iha一vetosteelmyselftoglanceup.holycow–he’ssoyoung.
“misska一vanagh.”heextendsalong-fingeredhandtomeoncei’mupright.“i’mchristiangrey.areyouallright?wouldyouliketosit?”
soyoung–andattractive,veryattractive.he’stall,dressedinafinegraysuit,whiteshirt,andblacktiewithunrulydarkcoppercoloredhairandintense,brightgrayeyesthatregardmeshrewdly.ittakesamomentformetofindmyvoice.
“um.actually–”imutter.ifthisguyisoverthirtytheni’mamonkey’suncle.inadaze,iplacemyhandinhisandweshake.asourfingerstouch,ifeelanoddexhilaratingshiverrunthroughme.iwithdrawmyhandhastily,embarrassed.mustbestatic.iblinkrapidly,myeyelidsmatchingmyheartrate.
“misska一vanaghisindisposed,soshesentme.ihopeyoudon’tmind,mr.grey.”
“andyouare?”hisvoiceiswarm,possiblyamused,butit’sdifficulttotellfromhisimpassiveexpression.helooksmildlyinterested,butaboveall,polite.
“anastasiasteele.i’mstudyingenglishliteraturewithkate,um…katherine…um…misska一vanaghatwashingtonstate.”
“isee,”hesayssimply.ithinkiseetheghostofasmileinhisexpression,buti’mnotsure.
“wouldyouliketosit?”hewa一vesmetowardawhiteleatherbuttonedl-shapedcouch.
hisofficeiswaytoobigforjustoneman.infrontofthefloor-to-ceilingwindows,there’sahugemoderndark-wooddeskthatsixpeoplecouldcomfortablyeataround.itmatchesthecoffeetablebythecouch.everythingelseiswhite–ceiling,floors,andwallsexcept,onthewallbythedoor,whereamosaicofsmallpaintingshang,thirty-sixofthemarrangedinasquare.theyareexquisite–aseriesofmundane,forgottenobjectspaintedinsuchprecisedetailtheylooklikephotographs.displayedtogether,theyarebreathtaking.
“alocalartist.trouton,”saysgreywhenhecatchesmygaze.
“they’relovely.raisingtheordinarytoextraordinary,”imurmur,distractedbothbyhimandthepaintings.hecockshisheadtoonesideandregardsmeintently.
“icouldn’tagreemore,misssteele,”hereplies,hisvoicesoftandforsomeinexplicablereasonifindmyselfblushing.
apartfromthepaintings,therestoftheofficeiscold,clean,andclinical.iwonderifitreflectsthepersonalityoftheadoniswhosinksgracefullyintooneofthewhiteleatherchairsoppositeme.ishakemyhead,disturbedatthedirectionofmythoughts,andretrievekate’squestionsfrommysatchel.next,isetupthemini-discrecorderandamallfingersandthumbs,droppingittwiceonthecoffeetableinfrontofme.mr.greysaysnothing,waitingpatiently–ihope–asibecomeincreasinglyembarrassedandflustered.whenipluckupthecouragetolookathim,he’swatchingme,onehandrelaxedinhislapandtheothercuppinghischinandtrailinghislongindexfingeracrosshislips.ithinkhe’stryingtosuppressasmile.
“sorry,”istutter.“i’mnotusedtothis.”
“takeallthetimeyouneed,misssteele,”hesays.
“doyoumindifirecordyouranswers?”
“afteryou’vetakensomuchtroubletosetuptherecorder–youaskmenow?”
iflush.he’steasingme?ihope.iblinkathim,unsurewhattosay,andithinkhetakespityonmebecauseherelents.“no,idon’tmind.”
“didkate,imean,misska一vanagh,explainwhattheinterviewwasfor?”
“yes.toappearinthegraduationissueofthestudentnewspaperasishallbeconferringthedegreesatthisyear’sgraduationceremony.”
oh!thisisnewstome,andi’mtemporarilypre-occupiedbythethoughtthatsomeonenotmucholderthanme–okay,maybesixyearsorso,andokay,megasuccessful,butstill–isgoingtopresentmewithmydegree.ifrown,draggingmywaywardattentionbacktothetaskathand.
“good,”iswallownervously.“iha一vesomequestions,mr.grey.”ismoothastraylockofhairbehindmyear.
“ithoughtyoumight,”hesays,deadpan.he’slaughingatme.mycheeksheatattherealization,andisitupandsquaremyshouldersinanattempttolooktallerandmoreintimidating.pressingthestartbuttonontherecorder,itrytolookprofessional.
“you’reveryyoungtoha一veamassedsuchanempire.towhatdoyouoweyoursuccess?”iglanceupathim.hissmileisrueful,buthelooksvaguelydisappointed.
“businessisallaboutpeople,misssteele,andi’mverygoodatjudgingpeople.iknowhowtheytick,whatmakesthemflourish,whatdoesn’t,whatinspiresthem,andhowtoincentivizethem.iemployanexceptionalteam,andirewardthemwell.”hepausesandfixesmewithhisgraystare.“mybeliefistoachievesuccessinanyschemeonehastomakeoneselfmasterofthatscheme,knowitinsideandout,knoweverydetail.iworkhard,veryhardtodothat.imakedecisionsbasedonlogicandfacts.iha一veanaturalgutinstinctthatcanspotandnurtureagoodsolidideaandgoodpeople.thebottomlineis,it’salwaysdowntogoodpeople.”
“maybeyou’rejustlucky.”thisisn’tonkate’slist–buthe’ssoarrogant.hiseyesflaremomentarilyinsurprise.
“idon’tsubscribetoluckorchance,misssteele.theharderiworkthemoreluckiseemtoha一ve.itreallyisallaboutha一vingtherightpeopleonyourteamanddirectingtheir
energiesaccordingly.ithinkitwasharveyfirestonewhosaid‘thegrowthanddevelopmentofpeopleisthehighestcallingofleadership.’”
“yousoundlikeacontrolfreak.”thewordsareoutofmymouthbeforeicanstopthem.
“oh,iexercisecontrolinallthings,misssteele,”hesayswithoutatraceofhumorinhissmile.ilookathim,andheholdsmygazesteadily,impassive.myheartbeatquickens,andmyfaceflushesagain.
whydoesheha一vesuchanunnervingeffectonme?hisoverwhelminggood-looksmaybe?thewayhiseyesblazeatme?thewayhestrokeshisindexfingeragainsthislowerlip?iwishhe’dstopdoingthat.
“besides,immensepowerisacquiredbyassuringyourselfinyoursecretreveriesthatyouwereborntocontrolthings,”hecontinues,hisvoicesoft.
“doyoufeelthatyouha一veimmensepower?”controlfreak.
“iemployoverfortythousandpeople,misssteele.thatgivesmeacertainsenseofresponsibility–power,ifyouwill.ifiweretodecideiwasnolongerinterestedinthetelecommunicationsbusinessandsellup,twentythousandpeoplewouldstruggletomaketheirmortgagepaymentsafteramonthorso.”
mymouthdropsopen.iamstaggeredbyhislackofhumility.
“don’tyouha一veaboardtoanswerto?”iask,disgusted.
“iownmycompany.idon’tha一vetoanswertoaboard.”heraisesaneyebrowatme.iflush.ofcourse,iwouldknowthisifihaddonesomeresearch.butholycrap,he’ssoarrogant.ichangetack.
“anddoyouha一veanyinterestsoutsideyourwork?”
“iha一vevariedinterests,misssteele.”aghostofasmiletoucheshislips.“veryvaried.”andforsomereason,i’mconfoundedandheatedbyhissteadygaze.hiseyesarealightwithsomewickedthought.
“butifyouworksohard,whatdoyoudotochillout?”
“chillout?”hesmiles,revealingperfectwhiteteeth.istopbreathing.hereallyisbeautiful.nooneshouldbethisgood-looking.
“well,to‘chillout’asyouputit–isail,ifly,iindulgeinvariousphysicalpursuits.”heshiftsinhischair.“i’maverywealthyman,misssteele,andiha一veexpensiveandabsorbinghobbies.”
iglancequicklyatkate’squestions,wantingtogetoffthissubject.
“youinvestinmanufacturing.why,specifically?”iask.whydoeshemakemesouncomfortable?
“iliketobuildthings.iliketoknowhowthingswork:whatmakesthingstick,howtoconstructanddeconstruct.andiha一vealoveofships.whatcanisay?”
“thatsoundslikeyourhearttalkingratherthanlogicandfacts.”
hismouthquirksup,andhestaresappraisinglyatme.
“possibly.thoughtherearepeoplewho’dsayidon’tha一veaheart.”
“whywouldtheysaythat?”
“becausetheyknowmewell.”hislipcurlsinawrysmile.
“wouldyourfriendssayyou’reeasytogettoknow?”andiregretthequestionassoonasisayit.it’snotonkate’slist.
“i’maveryprivateperson,misssteele.igoalongwaytoprotectmyprivacy.idon’toftengiveinterviews,”hetrailsoff.
“whydidyouagreetodothisone?”
“becausei’mabenefactoroftheuniversity,andforallintentsandpurposes,icouldn’tgetmisska一vanaghoffmyback.shebadgeredandbadgeredmyprpeople,andiadmirethatkindoftenacity.”
iknowhowtenaciouskatecanbe.that’swhyi’msittingheresquirminguncomfortablyunderhispenetratinggaze,whenishouldbestudyingformyexams.
“youalsoinvestinfarmingtechnologies.whyareyouinterestedinthisarea?”
“wecan’teatmoney,misssteele,andtherearetoomanypeopleonthisplanetwhodon’tha一veenoughtoeat.”
“thatsoundsveryphilanthropic.isitsomethingyoufeelpassionatelyabout?feedingtheworld’spoor?”
heshrugs,verynon-committal.
“it’sshrewdbusiness,”hemurmurs,thoughithinkhe’sbeingdisingenuous.itdoesn’tmakesense–feedingtheworld’spoor?ican’tseethefinancialbenefitsofthis,onlythevirtueoftheideal.iglanceatthenextquestion,confusedbyhisattitude.
“doyouha一veaphilosophy?ifso,whatisit?”
“idon’tha一veaphilosophyassuch.maybeaguidingprinciple–carnegie’s:‘amanwhoacquirestheabilitytotakefullpossessionofhisownmindmaytakepossessionofanythingelsetowhichheisjustlyentitled.’i’mverysingular,driven.ilikecontrol–ofmyselfandthosearoundme.”
“soyouwanttopossessthings?”youareacontrolfreak.
“iwanttodeservetopossessthem,butyes,bottomline,ido.”
“yousoundliketheultimateconsumer.”
“iam.”hesmiles,butthesmiledoesn’ttouchhiseyes.againthisisatoddswithsomeonewhowantstofeedtheworld,soican’thelpthinkingthatwe’retalkingaboutsomethingelse,buti’mabsolutelymystifiedastowhatitis.iswallowhard.thetemperatureintheroomisrisingormaybeit’sjustme.ijustwantthisinterviewtobeover.surelykatehasenoughmaterialnow?iglanceatthenextquestion.
“youwereadopted.howfardoyouthinkthat’sshapedthewayyouare?”oh,thisispersonal.istareathim,hopinghe’snotoffended.hisbrowfurrows.
“iha一venowayofknowing.”
myinterestispiqued.
“howoldwereyouwhenyouwereadopted?”
“that’samatterofpublicrecord,misssteele.”histoneisstern.iflush,again.crap.yesofcourse–ifi’dknowniwasdoingthisinterview,iwouldha一vedonesomeresearch.imoveonquickly.
“you’vehadtosacrificeafamilylifeforyourwork.”
“that’snotaquestion.”he’sterse.
“sorry.”isquirm,andhe’smademefeellikeanerrantchild.itryagain.“ha一veyouhadtosacrificeafamilylifeforyourwork?”
“iha一veafamily.iha一veabrotherandasisterandtwolovingparents.i’mnotinterestedinextendingmyfamilybeyondthat.”
“areyougay,mr.grey?”
heinhalessharply,andicringe,mortified.crap.whydidn’tiemploysomekindoffilterbeforeireadthisstraightout?howcanitellhimi’mjustreadingthequestions?damnkateandhercuriosity!
“noanastasia,i’mnot.”heraiseshiseyebrows,acoolgleaminhiseyes.hedoesnotlookpleased.
“iapologize.it’sum…writtenhere.”it’sthefirsttimehe’ssaidmyname.myheartbeathasaccelerated,andmycheeksareheatingupagain.nervously,ituckmyloosenedhairbehindmyear.
hecockshisheadtooneside.
“thesearen’tyourownquestions?”
theblooddrainsfrommyhead.ohno.
“err…no.kate–misska一vanagh–shecompiledthequestions.”
“areyoucolleaguesonthestudentpaper?”ohcrap.iha一venothingtodowiththestudentpaper.it’sherextra-curricularactivity,notmine.myfaceisaflame.
“no.she’smyroommate.”
herubshischininquietdeliberation,hisgrayeyesappraisingme.
“didyouvolunteertodothisinterview?”heasks,hisvoicedeadlyquiet.
hangon,who’ssupposedtobeinterviewingwhom?hiseyesburnintome,andi’mcompelledtoanswerwiththetruth.
“iwasdrafted.she’snotwell.”myvoiceisweakandapologetic.
“thatexplainsagreatdeal.”
there’saknockatthedoor,andblondenumbertwoenters.
“mr.grey,forgivemeforinterrupting,butyournextmeetingisintwominutes.”
“we’renotfinishedhere,andrea.pleasecancelmynextmeeting.”
andreahesitates,gapingathim.she’sappearslost.heturnshisheadslowlytofaceherandraiseshiseyebrows.sheflushesbrightpink.ohgood.it’snotjustme.
“verywell,mr.grey,”shemutters,thenexits.hefrowns,andturnshisattentionbacktome.
“wherewerewe,misssteele?”
oh,we’rebackto‘misssteele’now.
“pleasedon’tletmekeepyoufromanything.”
“iwanttoknowaboutyou.ithinkthat’sonlyfair.”hisgrayeyesarealightwithcuriosity.doublecrap.where’shegoingwiththis?heplaceshiselbowsonthearmsofthechairandsteepleshisfingersinfrontofhismouth.hismouthisvery…distracting.iswallow.
“there’snotmuchtoknow,”isay,flushingagain.
“whatareyourplansafteryougraduate?”
ishrug,thrownbyhisinterest.cometoseattlewithkate,findaplace,findajob.iha一ven’treallythoughtbeyondmyfinals.
“iha一ven’tmadeanyplans,mr.grey.ijustneedtogetthroughmyfinalexams.”whichishouldbestudyingfornowratherthansittinginyourpalatial,swanky,sterileoffice,feelinguncomfortableunderyourpenetratinggaze.
“werunanexcellentinternshipprogramhere,”hesaysquietly.iraisemyeyebrowsinsurprise.isheofferingmeajob?
“oh.i’llbearthatinmind,”imurmur,completelyconfounded.“thoughi’mnotsurei’dfitinhere.”ohno.i’mmusingoutloudagain.
“whydoyousaythat?”hecockshisheadtooneside,intrigued,ahintofasmileplayingonhislips.
“it’sobvious,isn’tit?”i’muncoordinated,scruffy,andi’mnotblonde.
“nottome,”hemurmurs.hisgazeisintense,allhumorgone,andstrangemusclesdeepinmybellyclenchsuddenly.itearmyeyesawayfromhisscrutinyandstareblindlydownatmyknottedfingers.what’sgoingon?iha一vetogo–now.ileanforwardtoretrievetherecorder.
“wouldyoulikemetoshowyouaround?”heasks.
“i’msureyou’refartoobusy,mr.grey,andidoha一vealongdrive.”
“you’redrivingbacktowsuinvancouver?”hesoundssurprised,anxiouseven.heglancesoutofthewindow.it’sbeguntorain.“well,you’dbetterdrivecarefully.”histoneisstern,authoritative.whyshouldhecare?“didyougeteverythingyouneed?”headds.
“yessir,”ireply,packingtherecorderintomysatchel.hiseyesnarrow,speculatively.
“thankyoufortheinterview,mr.grey.”
“thepleasure’sbeenallmine,”hesays,politeasever.
asirise,hestandsandholdsouthishand.
“untilwemeetagain,misssteele.”anditsoundslikeachallenge,orathreat,i’mnotsurewhich.ifrown.whenwillweevermeetagain?ishakehishandoncemore,astoundedthatthatoddcurrentbetweenusisstillthere.itmustbemynerves.
“mr.grey.”inodathim.movingwithlitheathleticgracetothedoor,heopensitwide.
“justensuringyoumakeitthroughthedoor,misssteele.”hegivesmeasmallsmile.obviously,he’sreferringtomyearlierless-than-elegantentryintohisoffice.iflush.
“that’sveryconsiderate,mr.grey,”isnap,andhissmilewidens.i’mgladyoufindmeentertaining,iglowerinwardly,walkingintothefoyer.i’msurprisedwhenhefollowsmeout.andreaandoliviabothlookup,equallysurprised.
“didyouha一veacoat?”greyasks.
“yes.”olivialeapsupandretrievesmyjacket,whichgreytakesfromherbeforeshecanhandittome.heholdsitupand,feelingridiculouslyself-conscious,ishrugiton.greyplaceshishandsforamomentonmyshoulders.igaspatthecontact.ifhenoticesmyreaction,hegivesnothingaway.hislongindexfingerpressesthebuttonsummoningtheelevator,andwestandwaiting–awkwardlyonmypart,coollyself-possessedonhis.thedoorsopen,andihurryindesperatetoescape.ireallyneedtogetoutofhere.wheniturntolookathim,he’sleaningagainstthedoorwaybesidetheelevatorwithonehandonthewall.hereallyisvery,verygood-looking.it’sdistracting.hisburninggrayeyesgazeatme.
“anastasia,”hesaysasafarewell.
“christian,”ireply.andmercifully,thedoorsclose.
myheartispounding.theelevatorarrivesonthefirstfloor,andiscrambleoutassoonasthedoorsslideopen,stumblingonce,butfortunatelynotsprawlingontotheimmaculatesandstonefloor.iraceforthewideglassdoors,andi’mfreeinthebracing,cleansing,dampairofseattle.raisingmyface,iwelcomethecoolrefreshingrain.iclosemyeyesandtakeadeep,purifyingbreath,tryingtorecoverwhat’sleftofmyequilibrium.
nomanhaseveraffectedmethewaychristiangreyhas,andicannotfathomwhy.isithislooks?hiscivility?wealth?power?idon’tunderstandmyirrationalreaction.ibreatheanenormoussighofrelief.whatinhea一ven’snamewasthatallabout?leaningagainstoneofthesteelpillarsofthebuilding,ivaliantlyattempttocalmdownandgathermythoughts.ishakemyhead.holycrap–whatwasthat?myheartsteadiestoitsregularrhythm,andicanbreathenormallyagain.iheadforthecar.
asilea一vethecitylimitsbehind,ibegintofeelfoolishandembarrassedasireplaytheinterviewinmymind.surely,i’mover-reactingtosomethingthat’simaginary.okay,sohe’sveryattractive,confident,commanding,ateasewithhimself–butontheflipside,he’sarrogant,andforallhisimpeccablemanners,he’sautocraticandcold.well,onthesurface.aninvoluntaryshiverrunsdownmyspine.hemaybearrogant,butthenhehasarighttobe–he’saccomplishedsomuchatsuchayoungage.hedoesn’tsufferfoolsgladly,butwhyshouldhe?again,i’mirritatedthatkatedidn’tgivemeabriefbiography.
whilecruisingalongthei-5,mymindcontinuestowander.i’mtrulyperplexedastowhatmakessomeonesodriventosucceed.someofhisanswersweresocryptic–asifhehadahiddenagenda.andkate’squestions–ugh!theadoptionandaskinghimifhewasgay!ishudder.ican’tbelieveisaidthat.ground,swallowmeupnow!everytimeithinkofthatquestioninthefuture,iwillcringewithembarrassment.damnkatherineka一vanagh!
icheckthespeedometer.i’mdrivingmorecautiouslythaniwouldonanyotheroccasion.andiknowit’sthememoryoftwopenetratinggrayeyesgazingatme,andasternvoicetellingmetodrivecarefully.shakingmyhead,irealizethatgrey’smorelikeamandoublehisage.
forgetit,ana,iscoldmyself.idecidethatallinall,it’sbeenaveryinterestingexperience,butishouldn’tdwellonit.putitbehindyou.ineverha一vetoseehimagain.i’mimmediatelycheeredbythethought.iswitchonthemp3playerandturnthevolumeuploud,sitback,andlistentothumpingindierockmusicasipressdownontheaccelerator.asihitthe1-5,irealizeicandriveasfastasiwant.
weliveinasmallcommunityofduplexapartmentsinvancouver,washington,closetothevancouvercampusofwsu.i’mlucky–kate’sparentsboughttheplaceforher,andipaypeanutsforrent.it’sbeenhomeforfouryearsnow.asipullupoutside,iknowkateisgoingtowantablow-by-blowaccount,andsheistenacious.well,atleastshehasthemini-disc.hopefullyiwon’tha一vetoelaboratemuchbeyondwhatwassaidduringtheinterview.
“ana!you’reback.”katesitsinourlivingarea,surroundedbybooks.she’sclearlybeenstudyingforfinals–thoughshe’sstillinherpinkflannelpajamasdecoratedwithcutelittlerabbits,theonesshereservesfortheaftermathofbreakingupwithboyfriends,forassortedillnesses,andforgeneralmoodydepression.sheboundsuptomeandhugsmehard.
“iwasbeginningtoworry.iexpectedyoubacksooner.”
“oh,ithoughtimadegoodtimeconsideringtheinterviewranover.”iwa一vethemini-discrecorderather.
“ana,thankyousomuchfordoingthis.ioweyou,iknow.howwasit?whatwashelike?”ohno–herewego,thekatherineka一vanaghinquisition.
istruggletoanswerherquestion.whatcanisay?
“i’mgladit’sover,andidon’tha一vetoseehimagain.hewasratherintimidating,youknow.”ishrug.“he’sveryfocused,intenseeven–andyoung.reallyyoung.”
kategazesinnocentlyatme.ifrownather.
“don’tyoulooksoinnocent.whydidn’tyougivemeabiography?hemademefeellikesuchanidiotforskimpingonbasicresearch.”kateclampsahandtohermouth.
“jeez,ana,i’msorry–ididn’tthink.”
ihuff.
“mostlyhewascourteous,formal,slightlystuffy–likehe’soldbeforehistime.hedoesn’ttalklikeamanoftwenty-something.howoldisheanyway?”
“twenty-seven.jeez,ana,i’msorry.ishouldha一vebriefedyou,butiwasinsuchapanic.letmeha一vethemini-disc,andi’llstarttranscribingtheinterview.”
“youlookbetter.didyoueatyoursoup?”iask,keentochangethesubject.
“yes,anditwasdeliciousasusual.i’mfeelingmuchbetter.”shesmilesatmeingratitude.icheckmywatch.
“iha一vetorun.icanstillmakemyshiftatclayton’s.”
“ana,you’llbeexhausted.”
“i’llbefine.i’llseeyoulater.”
i’veworkedatclayton’ssinceistartedatwsu.it’sthelargestindependenthardwarestoreintheportlandarea,andoverthefouryearsi’veworkedhere,i’vecometoknowalittlebitaboutmosteverythingwesell–althoughironically,i’mcrapatanydiy.ilea一veallthattomydad.i’mmuchmoreofacurl-up-with-a-book-in-a-comfy-chair-by-the-firekindofgirl.i’mgladicanmakemyshiftasitgivesmesomethingtofocusonthatisn’tchristiangrey.we’rebusy–it’sthestartofthesummerseason,andfolksareredecoratingtheirhomes.mrs.claytonispleasedtoseeme.
“ana!ithoughtyouweren’tgoingtomakeittoday.”
“myappointmentdidn’ttakeaslongasithought.icandoacoupleofhours.”
“i’mrealpleasedtoseeyou.”
shesendsmetothestoreroomtostartre-stockingshelves,andi’msoonabsorbedinthetask.
wheniarrivehomelater,katherineiswearingheadphonesandworkingonherlaptop.hernoseisstillpink,butshehasherteethintoastory,soshe’sconcentratingandtypingfuriously.i’mthoroughlydrained–exhaustedbythelongdrive,thegruelinginterview,andbybeingrushedoffmyfeetatclayton’s.islumpontothecouch,thinkingabouttheessayiha一vetofinishandallthestudyingiha一ven’tdonetodaybecauseiwasholedupwith…him.
“you’vegotsomegoodstuffhere,ana.welldone.ican’tbelieveyoudidn’ttakehimuponhisoffertoshowyouaround.heobviouslywantedtospendmoretimewithyou.”shegivesmeafleetingquizzicallook.
iflush,andmyheartrateinexplicablyincreases.thatwasn’tthereason,surely?hejustwantedtoshowmearoundsoicouldseethathewaslordofallhesurveyed.irealizei’mbitingmylip,andihopekatedoesn’tnotice.butsheseemsabsorbedinhertranscription.
“ihearwhatyoumeanaboutformal.didyoutakeanynotes?”sheasks.
“um…no,ididn’t.”
“that’sfine.icanstillmakeafinearticlewiththis.shamewedon’tha一vesomeoriginalstills.good-lookingsonofabitch,isn’the?”
iflush.
“isupposeso.”itryhardtosounddisinterested,andithinkisucceed.
“ohcomeon,ana–evenyoucan’tbeimmunetohislooks.”shearchesaperfecteyebrowatme.
crap!idistractherwithflattery,alwaysagoodploy.
“youprobablywouldha一vegotalotmoreoutofhim.”
“idoub一tthat,ana.comeon–hepracticallyofferedyouajob.giventhatifoistedthisonyouatthelastminute,youdidverywell.”sheglancesupatmespeculatively.imakeahastyretreatintothekitchen.
“sowhatdidyoureallythinkofhim?”damn,she’sinquisitive.whycan’tshejustletthisgo?thinkofsomething–quick.
“he’sverydriven,controlling,arrogant–scaryreally,butverycharismatic.icanunderstandthefascination,”iaddtruthfully,asipeerroundthedooratherhopingthiswillshutheruponceandforall.
“you,fascinatedbyaman?that’safirst,”shesnorts.
istartgatheringthemakingsofasandwichsoshecan’tseemyface.
“whydidyouwanttoknowifhewasgay?incidentally,thatwasthemostembarrassingquestion.iwasmortified,andhewaspissedtobeaskedtoo.”iscowlatthememory.
“wheneverhe’sinthesocietypages,heneverhasadate.”
“itwasembarrassing.thewholethingwasembarrassing.i’mgladi’llneverha一vetolayeyesonhimagain.”
“oh,ana,itcan’tha一vebeenthatbad.ithinkhesoundsquitetakenwithyou.”
takenwithme?nowkate’sbeingridiculous.
“wouldyoulikeasandwich?”
“please.”
wetalknomoreofchristiangreythatevening,muchtomyrelief.oncewe’veeaten,i’mabletositatthediningtablewithkateand,whilesheworksonherarticle,iworkonmyessayontessofthed’urbervilles.damn,butthatwomanwasinthewrongplaceatthewrongtimeinthewrongcentury.bythetimeifinish,it’smidnight,andkatehaslongsincegonetobed.imakemywaytomyroom,exhausted,butpleasedthati’veaccomplishedsomuchforamonday.
icurlupinmywhiteironbed,wrappingmymother’squiltaroundme,closemyeyes,andi’minstantlyasleep.thatnightidreamofdarkplaces,bleakwhitecoldfloors,andgrayeyes.
fortherestoftheweek,ithrowmyselfintomystudiesandmyjobatclayton’s.kateisbusytoo,compilingherlasteditionofherstudentmagazinebeforeshehastorelinquishittotheneweditorwhilealsocrammingforherfinals.bywednesday,she’smuchbetter,andinolongerha一vetoendurethesightofherpink-flannel-with-too-many-rabbitspjs.icallmymomingeorgiatocheckonher,butalsososhecanwishmeluckformyfinalexams.sheproceedstotellmeaboutherlatestventureintocandlemaking–mymotherisallaboutnewbusinessventures.fundamentallyshe’sboredandwantssomethingtooccupyhertime,butshehastheattentionspanofagoldfish.it’llbesomethingnewnextweek.sheworriesme.ihopeshehasn’tmortgagedthehousetofinancethislatestscheme.andihopethatbob–herrelativelynewbutmucholderhusband–iskeepinganeyeonhernowthati’mnolongerthere.hedoesseemalotmoregroundedthanhusbandnumberthree.